Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Taking Out The Garbage

We're packing to move.

You know how I hate to brag, but truth be told I just threw out the garbage. This meant a fresh bag for the kitchen, which in turn presented an opportunity for me to bask in a little garbage bag glory.

Long story short, around a year ago I went really LONG on garbage bag futures and bought some ridiculously large box at Costco or Sams Club or whatever mega-store it is that I always shop at and exclusively endorse. The box was huge and a great value.

How big was the box?

Well according to the mega-store manager, there were six figures of garbage bags inside of it. There was a rumor on the check out line that within each of these bags was another bonus garbage bag but I didn't believe that part. I'm not sure why people need to start these rumors. As if six figures of garbage bags isn't enough. Now I gotta be disappointed when I get home and find out that I don't get double the garbage bags?

And until the technology improves for counting these garbage bags, I'm just gonna have to take their word and trust this manager guy. What choice do I have? There are just too many bags for me to count by myself.

I want to thank everyone who've said they'd come by to help me count the bags. At the poker tables it's usually the guys at lower limits. Makes sense since in theory their time is worth less money. I really appreciate all the generosity but I think I'm just gonna wait till the technology catches up to find out.

It seems like just yesterday, standing in the mega-store, making the second biggest decision of my life. I'll never forget my wife's gasp when she first saw the unopened box in the converted airplane hangar. Knowing full well she'd be seeing this same box outside our home for decades to come.

The craziest part was even with her fully aware of the box's arrival to our home, she still fainted when the delivery guys left it in our driveway.

I know the financial analysts have been talking. Saying I've put too much into the garbage bags. Saying that my portfolio is not diversified enough. That BS!

How can I not be diversified enough?

Everyone knows I'm diversified!

I'm voting for Obama.

And lets make one thing clear: I didn't go long with the garbage bags to please anyone else. I didn't do it to satisfy the critics. I didn't do it to gain the attention of my neighbors. I did it for myself. And maybe this blog entry.

What can I say? I like the security. I like possessing something that is finite yet feels infinite. I love having the essential tool for cleanliness.

It's not the broom. And it's not the pan.

But it is still part of the endgame.

Mostly I like knowing that every time I go to the box there will be thousands of garbage bags waiting for me. In case I need. One.

And I'm not aloof. I know my neighbors are angry. Calling me names. People across the street to the South saying that my box of bags obstructs their view of the Stratosphere. People behind me to the North saying my box messes with their experience of the Luxor light. (What the hell is an "experience of the Luxor light" anyway?) People to the East saying they can't see the Wynn anymore. As if that's the reason they can't sell their home. There's a recession people.

And EVERYONE in my zip code saying cell phones don't get the same reception they used to. Ever since that box of garbage bags showed up.

Well too bad for all of them.

If garbage bags have taught me anything at all, it's that you can't please everyone.

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