The Vegas Year

The Fridge is Still Cool

2011-12-20T15:42:00.000-08:00

I bet Green Bay Packers (13-0) to win last Sunday at Kansas City.

I really did.

The money line was Packers -800.

Normally risking 800 to win 100 is a horrible proposition.

But not here.

Nope.

Cause there was no way the Pack could lose this game.

None.

To be honest I didn't expect to actually see a money line offered with the 14 point spread.

And when I did -800 appeared to be reasonable.

Cause the real question is would Green Bay go 19-0. Not can they beat KC on the road in week 15. Have you seen KC?

The only thing to decide was an acceptable dollar amount to wager.

Initially I was going to use my entire sports betting bankroll.

A bankroll I built up through small wagers using consistent units.

A typical unit was 3% of my roll.

Not 100%.

Luckily that little voice went off inside my head and said "Robert, if you lose this you will be OUT of action. No NFL playoffs. No Super Bowl. No NBA. No March Madness. DONE."

I listened to the voice and decided to wager only 75% of my bankroll.

Enough to make it hurt a little but at least I would still have action if disaster struck.

Around an hour before the game started I went online and noticed the odds quickly dropping.

Green Bay down to -650. KC only +450. Terrible sign.

The fix was in.

Lots of money going Chiefs way.

This couldn't have been inspired by Kyle Orton right?

I mean if I liked it at -800, I am loving it at -650.

Right?

The game starts.

Uh oh.

Kyle Orton has shaved his moustache.

That is not supposed to happen.

Kyle Orton needs a moustache.

It's part of who Kyle Orton is.

If Kyle Orton is sans moustache then this needs to appear in the NFL injury report.

There should be fines involved here.

Shame on the NFL for not sharing this information.

I did brag to a few friends during the game that I had bet Green Bay. Told them to look out for KC and my cooling powers.

This wager was clearly win/win.

Either I'd collect a few dollars on the sure thing that couldn't miss.

Or I'd spend 75% of my roll to buy a good story.

The fridge is still cool.

This blog entry has been sponsored by the Green Bay Packers money line.

The Pain One Endures as a Math Person.

2011-08-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

I saw the poster below while checking into the Rio for the World Series of Poker.

You do the math.

So much for buying in bulk.

Live Poker?

2011-08-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

I was in the Midwest over the weekend and excited to learn I was minutes away from a casino that had poker.

Well sort of.

Upon arrival I noticed there were no chips. No cards. There wasn't even a dealer.

10 players were seated around a table. This I can confirm.

However the problem was the table looked exactly like this.

I guess this is the future.

Anyhow what inspired me to write about this experience was a particular hand where I floated a young aggressive player on the flop in hopes of bluffing him on the river.

We both checked the turn and my moment came on 5th street when I fired out a 66% of the pot bet to try and get him to fold.

The young aggressive kid asks me if the ace on the turn helped me.

I sat there in silence.

So what does he do to get a read?

He bets all in.

The way the game works each player must click a second time to "confirm" the action they have selected.

So "all in" doesn't really mean "all in" until you confirm.

This means you can pull back bets after seeing a reaction. You can change your fold to call. You can string bet all night long.

I quickly accepted that this maneuver was part of the strategy. The game allows players to do this. The young kid was just using whatever resources were available to him to try and take me down.

He eventually cancelled his all in to fold.

Then confirmed.

And if I was savvy enough to show my bluff I may have.

I just don't think this is what our founding fathers intended when they legalized poker in the declaration of independence.

So it turns out that electronic computerized poker against other human beings does exist in the USA.

You just have to go live to play it.

My Hobby

2011-07-03T17:18:00.000-07:00

This having too much free time without internet poker in my life is getting way out of hand and complicating matters.

I'm doing too much of the stuff I've always wanted to do. Things I had been putting off for years.

It used to be that whatever I didn't get done on my list each week would just get dragged to the next week.

Now I am suddenly forced into the awkward situation of actually crossing things off the list.

Tasks never intended to be finished are suddenly complete.

My updated bucket list pales in comparison to the original.

What ever happened to sitting around and wasting time?

Notes From The Outside

2011-06-19T13:31:00.001-07:00

Your reluctant hero got himself to one of Southern California's card club establishments for the first time since leaving Vegas almost three years ago.

Live poker is much slower than I had remembered.

The first level took decades.

I graduated from college and attended my 25 year reunion before we hit 50/100.

I put on some weight.

I changed jobs four times.

I lost the weight and then put it back on as muscle.

Then I lost it again.

I had a midlife crisis.

All the while I kept double checking the time on my phone.

At one point I was sitting at the table, bored out of my mind, chastising myself for such tight play.

I then counted my chips and realized we hadn't orbited yet in the tournament.

How was the play?

Surprisingly good. Maybe it should be. It has been eight years since Moneymaker came along.

By this point in time everyone definitely has a strategy. Everyone showed up with a plan.

Something however was missing from tables I remember in Vegas.

Folks on vacation.

Humans taking a break from the pit games.

Gentlemen looking for action and willing to drop some dollars to get it.

This type of player was just not there.

No, to travel to Bell Gardens, California at 4pm to play in a rebuy requires the belief that one knows what they are doing. The belief that one actually has a shot at winning $30,000.

And while it's true that I've been away from the game for awhile, apparently all of the characters are still the same.

When those writers I've hired to edit this blog entry for me get to work, we can have them include descriptions for each type of player I saw at the table. You know. So that you can fully enjoy my experience of having been there.

I do want to comment on how cruel some of the players were to the dealers.

I can't recall ever seeing it go this far at a poker table in Vegas.

Apparently the California card dealers are not as well protected as their Vegas cousins.

There were a few older ones who were decent but the younger dealers were constantly receiving player abuse, which only made them more nervous and make more mistakes.

I really wish I had filmed some of the interactions I witnessed with my camera as these guys displayed perhaps the best argument I've seen to date for legalizing and regulating internet poker.

(Well other than letting adults do adult things in the privacy of their own home).

These guys let everyone know that there are sick cruel demented people who do not know how to treat others in a public setting.

Which is exactly why God invented internet poker.

So I don't have to sit next to these folks in person.

If only the U.S. Congress could see what I saw.

The horror! The horror!

I Can't Help It If I'm Lucky

2011-06-08T16:20:00.001-07:00

Following up on the last post, here was my play:

I took half of my bankroll and put it on Miami for game 3 at+120.

I took the other half and put it on Dallas at +130 for the series.

The fact that Miami won game 3 let me breathe. I showed a profit regardless of what would happen the rest of the way. If somehow Dallas defied history and won the series, I would look like a genius.

Or at least very lucky.

As we know from poker, it can be very easy to confuse the two.

What do the NBA Finals and the 2-3-2 Format Have to do with Your Retirement Plan?

2011-06-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

We are all going to be old soon so let me be brief.

I am not a big fan of the 2-3-2 format used in the NBA Finals. Why switch over from the 2-2-1-1-1 to the 2-3-2 for the final round? The 2-2-1-1-1 is far more intelligent, incredibly more fair, much more reasonable, clearly more likeable, and has better hygiene?* But rather than sit here and talk about how David Stern could make the NBA a better place, lets actually do something for the world by focusing on how to make you money based on the outcome of his NBA finals.

The first step is to get in your car and drive to Vegas if you can make it there before game 3 starts Sunday night. Immediately. Go. You can read the rest of this on the way during rest stops. In fact if you can't get to Vegas in time to bet on the game then there is no point reading the rest of this article. So technically speaking, no one should still be reading. Those who can make it to Vegas should already be in their cars.** And those who cannot should stop reading as well as reading further will only frustrate you when you see how much money you would have won by taking advantage of the incredible value being offered.

Here's the scoop: Since the NBA gas gone to this painful 2-3-2 format, when the series is tied 1-1 the team that has won game 3 has gone on to win the series all 11 times. For those of you playing along at home that's an 11-0 record for the game 3 winner

The leap of faith your financial adviser is asking you to take is to understand that the winner of Maimi at Dallas game 3 Sunday night will go on to win the series. Sure seems possible, plausible, and dare I say believable.

I will not tell you who to pick. We do not want to make lines move.

What I do, want to do, is help you maximize your profit.

If you like Dallas do not take them at -140 in game 3. Grab them at +130 to win the series. This fits nicely in your portfolio along with the +160 to win the series you have from before it started, along with the ridiculous +250 Mavs series line you grabbed after they lost game 1.

If you are a Miami guy bang the Heat at +120 for game 3. I know. Nervous Heat fans are sitting there thinking they don't need to win game 3 to win the series. And I am here to say 11-0. The Heat better win game 3 if they are going to win this series. What a gift to get them at +120 for a game they are going to win if they are going to win the NBA Finals.

To review:

At this moment in time we can get Dallas +130 to win the series. Heat +120 to win game 3. In essence there is no favorite. Only value.

A week from now one of these is going to seem like it was too good to have been true.

But it was.

At this moment in time.***

You're welcome.

*The 2-3-2 format requires players to stay at least 3 nights in the same hotel room.

**I do not endorse the reading of this while driving on the I-15 or any other road that leads to Vegas.

*** As long as the team that wins game 3 continues to go on to win the series.

3.5 Weeks Later

2011-06-03T15:43:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm. I sure wouldn't mind playing me some internet poker this weekend.

What a great way to relax, have some fun and enjoy myself.

Maybe go deep in a tourney and win some money.

Oh sure I could play live and visit one of LA's card clubs.

Or drive a bit further and do some damage in Vegas.

But I gotta admit it sure sounds nice to just stay at home and play.

Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act

2011-05-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

What strikes me as unlawful is pushing through an agenda without proper debate.

Sneaking something into a 2006 port security bill that no one would dare vote against.

Not having a real discussion about the matter.

Where are all the adults at?

On the bright side, it sure is nice to have time back on the weekends.

7 Years of Poker

2011-02-04T17:24:00.000-08:00

So here I am sitting on a decent story of going to Vegas last Summer to play in a bracelet event. I finished day 1 sitting next to Matt Matros which worked out well for me having him to my right. I then had an unexpected day off before returning for day 2. This was due to the 4000+ player field having two "day 1" starting days.

This bonus day off just happened to be my birthday. My friend, the good doctor Blerge magically appeared. If one is forced to face the indignity of spending a birthday in Vegas, Blerge sure ain't a bad person to do it with.

Various debauchery ensued all over that small town in Nevada. Good memories were instantly created.   My birthday would eventually end early that next morning with me finishing up what began as a late night Main Event satellite.

It's not too often I get to play in a second live tournament while still being alive in the first. This also seems like a good time to mention that I am one of those people who believes that if you step on a butterfly in Brooklyn, someone coughs in Forrest Lake.

Well it could actually be a sneeze. Lets just say that it's one of those noises from a human being where the other person in the room doesn't know whether to say "God bless you" or not. You know. Cause sneezes are worthy of blessing and coughs are not.

This is all my roundabout way of sharing that the events of my birthday completely changed the luck I would experience the next morning on day 2 of the bracelet tourney. That's right. The power of someone calling an all in raise with their king queen close to the bubble for a $10,000 seat has that kind of residual effect.

I'm still not sure why he makes that call. We were pretty equal in chips so basically he was risking 10K on king queen. Friends tell me that some call all in with king queen there hoping the other plays has jacks or smaller. Still that's taking the worst of it. And the fact that I could easily have ace king makes the king queen call not so likable to my stomach. Like I may not make that call with ace queen. And he's calling with king queen. Because how can you ever fold king queen?

Despite this late night setback I still had to wake up and play Day 2. Yet clearly I was no longer on the same rush. Suddenly my ace king was losing to ace rag. Suddenly my pairs were watching smaller pairs flop sets. Poker stopped being easy. And my stack fluctuated....like a stack that fluctuates.   How's that for a metaphor?

The highlight of day 2 was my knocking out David Sklansky. I raised preflop with ace king and Sklansky pushed all in from the blinds. Such a fun moment in that there is no way I can be ahead here. He sure ain't making that move with ace jack. On the other hand there is no way I can fold. It was for a small percentage of my chips and more importantly we've got a story at stake.   Sklansky had queens. I flopped an ace. Which only means that at that moment he was running worse than I was.

After dinner I sat with Alex Jacobs at two tables. The first table was tough with him to my left. The second table was easier with him to my right. When they broke our table with around 250 players left I still had hope. At my new table I picked up pocket 7's on the first hand but doubled up a guy who pushed behind me with ace nine. Soon after I picked up ace 10 suited, got the rest of my chips in but could not overcome pocket 6's. And just like that my month long ride of running well was officially over.

I had really wanted to go into detail about many of the hands that took place. Just like the good old days. But right now that's not possible. So I am going the other way with it.

This entry is me ending the story and reclaiming my blog so that I can post again. There have been moments over the past few months where I had something to say but felt I couldn't because I hadn't finished this other story. Well now I have.

In 2010 I did not have enough time to write about poker.

However that's not the real shame.

No, the real shame was I didn't have enough time to play.

100/200

2010-11-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

With my stack in the 12k range I pick up 8,9 suited in early position and raise to 500.

Loose aggressive player to my left makes it 1800.

It gets folded back around to me.

1300 to win 2600 but more importantly the villain began the hand with approximately 10k. We expect him to continue bet the flop at which point he will have committed a decent percent of his stack. So from my seat in the world's largest poker room my implied odds appear to be approximately 1300...to win his stack.

Moments like these are known in poker as a good time to flop a monster.

Flop comes queen, 8, 2.

I check.

He pushes all in.

Wow.

Hmmm.

Damn.

All legitimate reactions.

Later on I spoke to a rocket scientist about this hand and it was his belief that the villain either holds a big pair or is completely bluffing. It's analysis like this that earns guys like that the big bucks.

Why did the villain push all in? Plenty of folks play their monsters this way on the internet. They over bet and hope their bully move subtly taunts you into making a bad call. These players try to get paid off by casting you as the unbelieving table cop in the independent film that doubles as their life.

Me? I think he has ace king. If he really has a monster there's no need to force me out of the hand. This guy doesn't want to bet the flop and risk giving me the chance to raise. So he pushes all in to take away any response on my part. Other than my calling all in for most of my stack. And who likes to do that?

If I am correct that he has ace king then math loudly says I should call. Oh sure I will have to survive the turn and river but there are great benefits if my hand holds. My stack will be up over 20k and have enough chips to start snowballing. I can fulfill my destiny and upset people by playing too many hands. In fact making this call is exactly how I hyped "myself to myself" driving to Vegas. I told myself I would play fearlessly, trust my gut and build up my stack or be done. Well here's the moment big shot poker player. Here's my chance to show everyone how good I am by calling this all in with middle pair after my opponent's actions have done nothing but insist that he has the best hand.

If I am wrong I will needlessly give away most of my chips during level 100/200. If I call and he turns over pocket kings boy will I feel silly. An aura of shame will surround me. I will be forced into drastic life changes. I will obviously have to change my name. Plastic surgery will be a consideration. I probably won't have to fake my death again but minimally I will have to move a few thousand miles away and start a new blog. I will miss playing poker but maybe I can start playing bridge?

I absolutely struggle with the decision.   Do I really want to move again?

If this was the river I think I trust my read and call.

If the question is simply "am I ahead right now?" I would take the chance.

However I can't get past the consideration that if he is bluffing with ace king this villain still has a 25% chance of winning the hand. The universe will still reward his awesome playing style 1 out of every 4 times he does this. Even when I make the correct call. And something in me feels this coming.

I suppose this is where poker becomes so tough mentally. To get oneself ahead in a hand 75%-25% is a dream. It's more than ideal. Yet 25% happens all the time. There are 250 hitters in baseball. People also usually aren't rushing into having an operation that has a 25% fatality rate.

And yet the way gambling works, anytime you can have disaster occur only 25% of the time you jump at the chance.

So if I am ahead I can call and my hand holds up 75% of the time.   Or I am behind, call and probably give away most of my stack which I am lucky and grateful to have accumulated.

It's a 3 day tournament.

I fold.

Villain flashes me a king as he mucks, purposely showing me a card that did not connect. He wants me to believe he didn't have it. That he folded ace king.   So perhaps he did have kings the whole time and was doing the internet over bet discussed above. Or he got his chips in with ace king and got me to fold. King queen would certainly be another option. He could have raised with it preflop. Lots of players do that to find out if the other has ace king. Then he got lucky hitting the queen and tried to make it seem like he was stealing. All 3 scenarios are possible. That's why we have rocket scientists. And hole cams. So we can figure this stuff out.

In life sometimes our orbitofrontal cortex makes decisions for us.

Mine told me to fold.

Even though my ego really wanted to gamble.

50/100

2010-09-20T18:17:00.000-07:00

Guy raises in early position to 300. He's the same human who pushed all in holding ace 8 in the hand I described in my prior entry.

My pocket queens inspire and require an immediate response, so I bump it up to 850.

As I wait for his next move it becomes apparent that this time around he's much stronger. From across the table I can see a vein pulsating in his neck. If he's acting, then this guy has talent. I am fully convinced he has a top 5 hand. I am desperately hoping it is ace king. Unfortunately his aura may also indicate kings or aces. Yes I have queens. However I may need to get out of his way.

He asks the dealer for time, then sits in silence with his arms crossed. I'm not sure what I've looked like when making important decisions in my life, but I cannot confirm that I have ever thought as hard as this guy is thinking right now.

I take in the behavior and decide if he comes back over the top with a reraise, I will fold. I've seen this display of adrenaline at the table before. The guy is nervous because he anticipates he is about to experience action. Not because he is bluffing. I am watching a civilized version of fight or flight.

He apologizes to me for taking so long. I try to help him work through his decision by encouraging him to take as much time as he needs. By now I figure he is going to raise. Any second I expect to hear the magic words "I'm all in." Yet for whatever reason he does not say them. For some reason he just calls. Maybe he is trapping me. Looking ahead, I am not sure what I will do if he checks to me post flop.

The universe bails me out with a queen high flop.

Then, as if things couldn't get any better, the gentleman across from me acts first and pushes all in.

See how EASY poker is?

People saying you need to read books and practice playing the game to get better. Not true at all. All you need to be successful at poker is to flop top set every time.

I call and turn over my cards so the table can see what a luck box I am.

Mr. Ace 8 turns over his hand as well.

Pocket kings.

Well at least he bought himself a good bad beat story to tell everyone back home.

My set holds and my stack grows to somewhere in the 10k range.

Have I mentioned how well I've been running lately?

Random Hand From Level 2

2010-09-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

Guy in early position raises to 150.

Action folds around to me in middle position where I appear to have ace jack.

(How are you ever really sure?)

If you're familiar with any of my poker books then you already know pretty much any response is defensible here.

Folding is acceptable. It's a three day long tournament and all I have is ace jack facing an early position raise. If I were a betting man I'm not sure I would bet I have the best hand at the moment.

Raising is acceptable. I would quickly find out where I stand. Perhaps I can get ace queen to lay down or ace king to shove. Either of these actions by my opponent could benefit my ace jack.

Calling is....well it's probably the worst of the three options.

Lets consider the positives to calling:

-I am in position. I will get to act last throughout the hand. Always a good thing.

-I can get away cheap later on if I don't flop well. 150 chips means very little to me with a slightly over 6k stack.

-I might flop lucky. Not a very good reason to call. But I'd be lying to you if I said I've never thought this way.

Okay. You talked me into it. I'd much rather fold or raise but since you guys play such loose poker I will call and risk 150 chips to see if I can flop ace, jack, jack.

The big blind joins our dance party. Damn. Maybe I should have raised to get him out of the picture.

Remember how I wanted to raise but you wouldn't let me?

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Forget about it.

I'm not sure how it benefits us now for me to blame you the reader for this call.

Even if it was your fault.

The three of us see an ace, rag, rag flop.

I told you I've been running well.

At least that's what I thought until the big blind led out for 300 followed by the early position raiser pushing all in for around 1500 more.

Action returns to me. Suddenly I have absolutely no idea where I stand in this hand.

I guess this is why you don't call raises preflop with ace jack.

Now it wouldn't be a disaster if I call the all in here and double up the early position guy. I'd still be above average in chips and I may actually have the best hand. I am here to accumulate chips and heads up I probably talk myself into making this call.

However when I look to my left I really have no clue at all what the big blind has. And unfortunately he has a healthy stack. What if I call here and he pushes behind me?

While mulling this over I also recall it was the early position guy who raised preflop. He could have ace king or ace queen. Nothing he has done in this hand suggests otherwise. If he has a pocket pair he probably folds to the blinds bet. Instead he raised. With two other players in the hand. He must have an ace.

I chastise myself one last time for calling the raise preflop with ace jack and fold.

The big blind calls the all in.

Whew. I am glad I folded!

I've obviously got mad skills, laying down ace jack on an ace high flop.

Where is ESPN when you need them?

The cards are turned over.

Big Blind has..................................middle pair. Wow.

Early position raiser has.................... ace 8 off. Ouch.

I folded the best hand. The hand that someone thought was good enough to call 150 with preflop, yet not good enough to stick around with after hitting top pair.

What kind of hand is that?

There was a point in time when I wasn't a good enough poker player to lay down top pair.

Have I mentioned lately how good I am?

The Long and Winding Recap

2010-07-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

WSOP Event 54. $1000 No Limit Hold 'em Tournament. 3,844 players entered.

First hand. Human being under the gun raises to 75. Everyone sitting between us folds. I look down at pocket kings.

Most folks probably raise here.

I call.

Mostly to annoy my readers.

You know.

In case I ever get to write about this.

I also want the raiser to bet again on the flop.

Oh sure this sort of greed has gotten me into trouble before. Particularly when said opponent flops a set.

I will give you that.

That I will concede.

You are correct indeed.

All I ask for in return is you to acknowledge the war crimes of your nation and admit that my opponent will not put me on pocket kings later on in the hand.

And as long as we're talking openly here, can we also discuss the elephant in the room?

The fact that the man sitting to my left has raised preflop from first position.

Back when I played poker in Texas in the late 20th century this could only mean one thing:

He has aces.

Have I mentioned this is the first hand of the tournament?

I have?

Then why do I need to play a big pot against him right now with one pair?

Why can't I see the flop and rely on my alleged experience?

Doesn't anyone slow play anymore?

You would have raised?

Okay.

That's fine.

Nothing wrong with raising here.

However at this point I would just like to move on and talk about the rest of the hand.

Can't we move on?

Seriously.

Why can't we get to the flop of the first hand of the tournament without having a complete meltdown?

I know. I get it.

You would have raised and I called.

We all get it.

What can't you let this call go?

Why is it such a big deal that I didn't raise preflop from the blinds with kings?

Why are you doing this?

I just spent 5 nights in Vegas. I've got hours of stories.

If you're going to be this difficult about how I handled the first decision on the first hand we'll never get through them.

Actually you know what? Forget I said anything.

I don't mind waiting.

I don't care if this takes months.

Ask the other readers.

Patience is my virtue.

Unfortunately the way life works, all of you have to suffer through this delay just because a few people don't get it.

Well one in particular.

Okay. Lets try to keep this going.

So I call and the flop comes out king,8,2. All hearts.

I've hit top set but live in a world where I have no flush draw.

I check and let villain bet. He obliges by sliding out 450. More than twice the pot.

We started with 3000 chips. I raise to 1450 total.

He pushes all in.

Time to double up or go to lunch.

I don't think he's flopped the flush.

He must have a heart though right?

Actually if he doesn't have a heart then this gentleman really has heart.

I obviously call. Worse case scenario, I'll have to hit my full house.

He turns over pocket aces, one of which appears to be the ace of hearts.

Wow I'm happy I didn't raise him pre-flop.

Lets take a moment to pause and discuss how good I am.

All of you hacks....pushing all in preflop with your pocket kings and running into aces.

Oh sure it's a great story. But why get all your chips in around 20%?

Why not be like Robert and wait a street to get your chips in when you're ahead 66% to 34%?

That's the difference between good and great players.

Good players run kings into aces. Great players flop sets.

Incredibly my 66% holds and I win the pot and double up on my first hand.

Before I could even stack my new chips a group of young ladies walked over to ask if I was a male model.

An older couple (who looked like the folks that rail Ivey) inquired to see if they could get me any fresh fruit to eat.

The tournament director then tapped me on the shoulder to check if my seat was comfortable enough.

This is what life is like when you're running well.

Cliff Notes Version

2010-07-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

I came in 217th of the 3844 players who entered event 54.

I came in 16th of the 246 players in a main event satellite that awarded 12 seats.

In a parallel universe I am still there playing.

In this one I am content to come home and wait till 2011.

One More Lottery Ticket Please

2010-06-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

I am going to play a WSOP event in the next week.

My loose aggressive character, the maniac who appears to play too many hands is well rehearsed. He's almost too believable. Like an undercover cop who has become what he was impersonating.

I've also been running well lately.

Hopefully it will last another week.

Or two.

Human Zoo Part II

2010-05-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

My wife and I saw another house for rent this past weekend.

Strangely enough when we met the owner outside he warned us that inside the place was a complete mess.

The excuse this time?

Professional slot players.

Human Zoo

2010-05-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

Last month my wife and I drove up into one of the beautiful canyons that surrounds LA to see a house for lease. As we pulled into the driveway the rental agent came over to warn us that inside the place was a mess.

Then with a slight smirk she added:

"Two professional poker players live here."

Just imagine the thrill for my wife and I to be in the presence of professional poker players.

Normally one might have to move to Vegas, or at least visit the Rio during June to experience such variance. And here it was happening to us, just a few miles from the Pacific Ocean.

I can't help it if I'm lucky.

Inside the living room were two desks, each with a computer monitor on top. Both screens displayed a certain popular online poker site. It was a Thursday morning and apparently the gentlemen who lived here were hard at work.

For those who have taken safari rides through African jungles, perhaps you can explain to the other folks reading this the richness of observing bohemian tournament poker specialists in their natural yet evolving E-habitat.

I didn't recognize the first guy but the second gentleman definitely looked familiar. And not only because he looked like a young Eric Bogosian. No, I was sure I had seen this guy before.

Thanks to the World Wide Web ("WWW" as I commonly abbreviate it) I would later figure out that I had unintentionally visited the home of Shane Schleger.

Sorry for the inconvenience dude.

One Lottery Ticket Please Part VI

2009-10-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

The prerequisite reading:

part I part II part III part IV part V

And now presented without further commercial interruption: the final installment of my award winning recap of playing in World Series of Poker Event #51.

PART VI

9:30 PM. I finish level 7 with 6650 chips. 780 players remain. Blinds are at 300/600/75. That's 1650 an orbit. Some nights I might be worried to have so few chips, yet here I feel strangely comfortable. Dare I say healthy? Wealthy? Wise?

Well at least wealthy and wise. I'm not too sure about my health. I'm feeling a sharp pain in my lower back. Am I having internal organ issues or have I just been sitting for too much of the past 24 hours? In these situations you should always ask yourself "What would Eskimo Clark do?"

9:43 PM. I fold the unbeatable king queen from under the gun with 6125 chips. That's how much of a slave to instinct I am. Oh sure she's pretty, but I'm just not feeling it from first position. I know that king queen is strongest hand preflop in poker. It's a monster. Even Rex Reed loves it. But I can't follow through at this moment.

And if you really want to debate this what are my options?

I push all in and hope (pray) that no one wakes up with a hand? I don't like that choice. If I'm gonna make that move I don't need king queen to do it. I can push all in under the gun any time I want with any two cards.

I mini-raise to 1200 and pretend I have aces. This I sort of like because who doesn't like having aces? The fantasy is fun. But the problem is if I get raised I'm pot committed and definitely trailing whatever hand has raised me. Why voluntarily choose to take the worst of it?

I go out of too many tournaments making moves from under the gun. I plan at some point tonight to pick up a real hand. Or at least apply pressure to the blinds from late position. My preference here is to pay the blinds and give myself some hands in better position to find something I can make some noise with. This option sounds better to me than the under the gun push with king queen. At least that's what my appendix tells me.

9:44 PM. My appendix is right. Same hand. Guy in middle position bets. Big blind raises all in. Guy in middle position calls and turns over kings. Big Blind shows queens. Obviously the appendix is a very important organ, with poker foreshadowing skills only matched by the bladder.

9:49 PM. Two hands later I use my tight image to win a pot. The action is folded around to me in the small blind. I raise 3x the blinds to 1800 which is almost 1/3rd my stack. I'm pot committed. The big blind hems and haws and then folds. My 10,4 takes down the pot. Puts me back up to 6950. And yes I was prepared to call here if he raised me all in.

9:54 PM. 690 players remain. Average is 18137. I have 6350. Funny to think that six hours ago I had over 12k. You know. Tragedy plus time. Other players who are not named Robert keep raising from under the gun and putting pressure on the whole table.

On a recent hand a gentleman who has me covered pushes all in from under the gun. I fold king queen from middle position. The blind calls and turns over King Jack.

Obviously this guy in the blinds has lower standards than I do.

He must be staying over at Circus Circus.

The under the gun player shows his cards.

Queen jack. Double damn.

This guy is probably still pissed off The New Frontier closed down and is sleeping in his car to protest.

My King Queen would be way ahead here. Don't make me get out my poker calculator.

I have that wonderful moment that occurs at the poker table where I feel sorry for myself for folding the best hand.

And then dealer turns over a jack high flop!

Which allows me to have that even better moment at the poker table where I get to feel great about myself for having averted disaster!

I would have lost the hand.

But I didn't!

Why?

Because I folded the best hand!

I'm the man.

I can dodge jack high flops baby!

This doesn't happen overnight.

The skill you are reading about here takes years to develop.

10:05 PM. 680 players remain at the party. Average stack is 18,404. I've got 5075 chips after paying the rent.

10:14 PM. Concerts were held. Passive resistance occurred. Amnesty International got involved. And you know what? It worked! They finally broke my table! I've had that nemesis guy to my left for six hours and now I'm finally free! I might get to play poker again tonight. A new table!

10:15 PM. Like Pete Rose receiving a base on balls, I hustle my way across the room to find my new seat. There are 640 players left. 297 get paid. I started this tournament with 4500 chips. As I sit down for my first hand at this new table I have 4775. I don't want to brag but I think that's what you call winning poker. There's no denying it. I'm up 275 chips in only 10 hours of play. I'm winning 27.5 chips per hour hour. At this pace I should win the tournament by February 2091.

10:17 PM. I'm taking in the sounds and smells of my new table. What a different vibe! It's a bunch of polite nerdy looking guys. Probably earned their tourney buy ins from the tech start ups they were involved in back in the late 90s. My other table was full of dudes who peaked in junior high school. I recognize one tight aggressive pro sitting two seats to my right but otherwise it all looks good. Much less ego going on here.

10:18 PM. Under the gun. I look down at ace 9. It's 1650 a round. I have no image. I push all in. Everyone folds. It's no accident. People get out of your way when you're an Aqua Velva man. Finally the respect I was looking for.

10:20 PM. Very next hand I'm the big blind. Guy in late position raises to 2000. I look down at ace king. Has there been a mistake? Have I accidentally taken the wrong seat?

Ace king? Me? It's looking so beautiful at this moment in time.

Meanwhile I'm the same guy who just pushed with ace 9. How does one play ace king after this occurs? Are there books I can read?

Unfortunately I don't have enough chips to get clever. Come to think of it, maybe I am fortunate. I do recall the last time I had ace king in the blinds it ended poorly.

For the second hand in a row I push all in, satisfied to win the blinds, yet not disturbed by the opportunity to double up. It's gotta happen at some point.

Mostly I'm happy not to have to make a decision with a small stack out of position on the flop. I'm easy like that.

Mr. Position raiser folds and after paying my small blind the next hand I have 8400 chips.

10:29 PM. The last hand of level 8. Guy in early position raises. I look down at ace queen. Where are these cards coming from?

I ride the rush of brainless poker and push all in, again. I'm that guy. Sometimes it's fun to disrespect the game by reducing it to preflop poker.

Calling my all in will cost this other fellow around half his stack. He had around 17k at start of hand. He hems and haws. It's the second time today someone has hemmed and hawed in my presence, which incidentally is an expression I use all the time in my sewing blog "The Denim Year."

I sit in silence. Looking back on it now, I wish I had done me some talking and shown him how comfortable I was. Cause the reality is if he has ace king he would have already called. And if he has a pair, I'm behind and technically want the fold. The only hand I want a call from here is ace jack or worse.

After what felt like hundreds of seconds, he calls and turns over ace queen.

Yawn.

We chop up the blinds and antes.

This sure would have been a nice hand to have had ace king.

I end level 8 with 9400. I'm a rich man.

10:31 PM. We take a half hour break while the poker authorities remove the 25 value chips from play. Our new blinds in level 9 will be 400/800/100. 2100 a round. 590 players remain. Roughly half the players remaining will make the money.

At this point in my life, and by life I mean poker career, I'm not focused on cashing and winning $2733 which is what they're paying places 253 to 297. The $2733 figure is actually misleading. It's really only a $1233 profit since we bought in for $1500.

(Well $1243 profit if you include the turkey sandwich.)

I've driven to Vegas this weekend to come in first place and win $664,426. That's not always the case. When I came out to play in 2006 WSOP my goal was to cash. I needed to achieve that milestone to feel good about my poker career. Rationalize how I was spending my time.

But not now. Not this year. In 2009 I don't need to convince anyone of anything.

All I want is to win six figures so I can buy me some Nikes and stay in town for the Main Event.

The phone lines are open and it looks like we got a caller from NYC.

Hello you're on the air.

Hey Robert. First time, long time. I'm enjoying your recap and got a quick question. Why would you play so tight for the past six hours and fold hands like king queen multiple times if your goal wasn't just to cash? It seems like there have been plenty of opportunities to either double up or go home and you've passed on them.

Good question. Excellent point. I'm especially impressed by your ability to get a phone call into written text format. As for your question I fold some of these hands because I need to get to this point. I need to get myself close to the bubble. Then I can take chances. Now is the time to build my stack and start getting chips. Lots of these players will tighten up to protect their stacks because they really want to make it to day two. They've come this far and they want to make the money. I want to make day three.

11:00 PM. Level 9. I take out a piece of paper before I sit back down and write "Boy would this would be a good time to go on a rush." The 9400 chips sitting in front of me are the most I've had since that ace king versus pocket 5's hand back in level 4. The average is 21211.

My plan is to double up and go to sleep tonight with 20k. Accomplishing this would be pretty amazing. To get myself back on track and suddenly make the struggle of the whole day disappear.

At some point I'm gonna pick up a big pair again.

Right?

Although part of me thinks (knows) that maybe it's better this way.

Maybe not getting too many big hands keeps me out of trouble.

11:03 PM. Early position raise. I fold king jack and feel real good about it.

11:07 PM. I fold king ten from early position. And yes I want a cookie.

11:10 PM. Guy at my table in late position looks at his cards and announces to the table "I fold." However he takes no action in terms of returning his cards to the dealer.

Why do people do this? How does this speed up the game? Do they expect action to continue beyond them without them returning their cards?

Actually the better question here is why does this behavior drive me so nuts?

11:14 PM. I'm under the gun and see pocket tens. I'm 0-1-1 today with this hand. I chopped with the lady to my right at the last table when she had the same hand. And I lost calling an all in from a smaller stack who held pocket jacks.

I'm not going to fold but how do I play it here?

All of the usual under the gun problems exist.

-I push all in and just hope no one has a bigger hand.

-I mini raise but that's sort of silly because I'm not going to fold if it gets raised behind me and mini raising gives the blinds a cheap look at the flop.

-I raise a healthier amount.

How would I play it if I really had aces?

I decide that anything more than 3x the blinds looks like a medium pair. So I slide out 2400. 3x the blinds. That feels right.

A big stack sitting directly to my left in second position raises to 5000.

Like Clay Davis on The Wire I can hear my appendix mutter "Sheeeeeet."

Action gets folded back around to me. What to do?

I don't think he has aces or kings. I think he would have raised more. His mini raise smells like ace king to me. Or perhaps a smaller pair.

With multiple big stacks at my table, I think the purpose of his bet was to give himself room to fold if the wrong player (bigger stack) came over the top of his bet. He wants to make it to day 2.

If my read is right and he has ace king I'm 57% to win this. I can get my remaining 7k in the middle and if my hand holds up there will be over 20k coming my way.

Or I can fold and eat the 2100 loss. Probably bad poker. But I'm mentioning it because I'd still have 7k in front of me and guarantee staying alive.

However if my tens hold up and I win this hand, I will most likely make day 2, hit the money with some chips, and put myself in a position to do some damage.

I trust my read.

Big stack does have ace king.

I got exactly what I wanted.

Right up until the ace, 9, 9 flop.

There's no miracle for me on the turn or river.

Just like that it's over.

At this point everything went black.

There was silence for a few seconds.

Then Journey's Don't Stop Believin' started playing.

One Lottery Ticket Please Part V

2009-09-07T00:52:00.000-07:00

I gotta finish this story at some point. Right?

For my own sanity.

If you're late to the party there's

part 1

part 2.

part 3

part 4

and now part 5 below.

Enjoy.

6:24 PM. The good news is only 1170 of the 2781 players that started the day with us still remain. The bad news is I've only got 1825 chips and 3 hands to push. I fold 2,6 off from 3rd position.

6:26 PM. I fold 3,9 off from 2nd position.

6:29 PM. I throw my 25 ante out for the dealer to grab. This transaction leaves me with 1750 chips. I peak down at my first card and it's an ace. Good enough. I make the executive decision that I'm better off not looking at the second card. Instead I slide my 1750 out there. Much better this way.

I may have looked around the table and shrugged my shoulders. The kind of shrug that says "I got aces here but I'm going to act like I'm just going all in because I'm so low on chips and about to be the big blind, so maybe you'll fold and save yourself 1750 chips."

You know. That shrug. Come on. You know you've seen it.

My subtle Jedi mind trick makes no difference. One gentleman calls. Then so does another. I got action. If you're an optimist, you're excited by the fact that if I'm gonna win the hand, I'm gonna triple up. Who needs to go through all the trouble of winning a hand like this and only doubling ones chips?

Flop is 2,3,4. There's a pot size bet and the other guy is small so he calls all in. First gentleman turns over pocket queens. The other pocket tens. Unfortunately this forces me to look at my second card.

I turn over a 4. And feel strangely good about it. I got 9 outs! Kind of like I'm on a flush draw.

There's two more 4's in the deck, Four 5's for the straight. And three more aces.

And if you know me well you know I always hit my flush draws, mostly just to see the other players reactions.

I don't even need to look at the turn and river. I start counting the chips in the middle. I'll have 5850 after my hand hits.

The earth spins. Across the table I hear the guy with queens gasp. Apparently the dealer turned over another 4 on the river.

People saying I can't suck out anymore.

I still got it.

No matter what they say.

6:35 PM. 1130 players remain. Average chips is 11075. I got 5350 if you're keeping score at home. And the best part is suddenly I feel like a monster stack.

6:42 PM. With blinds at 150/300/25 I raise in middle position to 750 with ace 9 suited. My nemesis from a couple of hours ago (the guy who raised me all in with pocket 5's) calls. So does the big blind. The 3 of us see a king 2,2, flop. I don't continue bet and we check it around.

A second of my suit hits on the turn. I'm ready to start throwing some chips around but before I can act the big blind bets out 1650. I wouldn't mind getting my chips in as the aggressor but I'm not in love with calling off my stack here on the draw. I keep running the math. There's around 2500 out there...but calling 1650 to win 4200 doesn't make no sense on a 4 to 1 dog.

My better option is to raise. However I don't think I have enough chips to get him to fold a king or worse a deuce. And I believe he has something. Doubling up here won't win me the tourney. But getting knocked out will lose it. I fold.

Nemesis calls behind me. I am able to maintain my calm when a diamond doesn't come on the river. They check it down. Nemesis wins with king 10 of diamonds. Damn that guy has my number. Why couldn't we have flopped 3 diamonds? Not even for the chips I'd win. Just for my ego.

6:47 PM. 1060 players left. Unfortunately I'm sitting right next to a monitor showing this statistic so I can't help but to keep looking at it between hands. Because obviously it makes a big difference to my small stack how many players are left.

7:00 PM. I end level 6 with 3900 chips after folding from the small blind. Dinner break. Cards back in the air at 8:30 PM. Blinds will be 200/400/50. That's 1100 a round but at least I'm starting on the button so I'll have the maximum number of looks to make my move.

7:05 PM. I stand on line for a sandwich and use my 10 dollar voucher. People saying this event costs 1500 bucks. According to my accountant it's $1490 baby!

7:09 PM. Much like Felix Unger at the start the Odd Couple I have no where else to go. Unlike Felix Unger I can't return to the home of child hood friend Oscar Madison. If I had planned this trip well I'd be going upstairs to my room at the Rio. But since I'm not staying here I do the next best thing. I walk out to my car in the parking lot, turn on the A.C. and eat dinner.

7:23 PM. I know I've bragged in the past about how I never need to use the bathroom. Well guess what? I gotta go. At least my body is so advanced aerodynamically that it waits until breaks to get the urge.

I take the long walk back across the parking lot to inside the Rio to use the restroom. When we make a movie of this day we'll have me just pee into a cup. Much more memorable.

7:35 PM. I'm back in the car and between the past 24 hours, and the turkey sandwich I just ate, I gotta admit I'm feeling tired. I decide to take a nap. I put my seat back and set the alarm on my phone.

8:15 PM. The alarm goes off on my phone. I think I feel worse than before. Lets play poker!

8:27 PM. Back at my seat. My favorite monitor says there are 975 players remaining of the 2781 that started the day. Average stack is 12835.

8:31 PM. First hand after the break. New guy at our table limps under the gun for 400. What the hell does this mean? Two more people smooth call behind him. Action gets to me on the button. I look down at 5,6 suited. Damn it. I can't fold the Lawrence Taylor.

I am tempted to push but to be honest I'm not feeling it. I look at the guy under the gun and he's looking around the room, as if he's not involved in the hand. I take the safe route and just call. So do both blinds.

Flop comes king, queen, jack. One of my suit. Incredibly it gets checked around.

Turn brings a second of my suit. And the gentleman under the gun bets half the pot.

Damn. I'm in the same spot as that ace, 9 hand before the break. I'm not getting the right odds to chase the flush. And I'm not getting my money in first.

What kills me is I think it's coming. I am convinced another diamond is going to come on the river. That's what intuition tells me. I've seen this hand before. It comes on the river and it's really unfair to the guy sitting across from me with a real hand.

However my way too logical math brain steps in and points out that if it doesn't come, I can't beat any hand. I don't even have enough chips to bluff.

Damn it. I'm getting swift-boated by my math head.

I fold.

8:50 PM. Another hand against that same new player. He opens in early position for 1200. It gets folded to me in late position. I only have 3000 chips left. Ace jack is more than good enough. In fact it's the best hand I can ever remember seeing in my 5 years of playing poker. I shove my chips out there. And stare at him calmly. Whatever happens happens. No need to act strong or weak. He has to call. And hopefully I'm not dominated. As they say in track and field, I'm ready to race.

He folds. For 1800 more.

Huh? What just happened? Sure doesn't make a ton of sense mathematically.

Psychologically I understand it. But not mathematically. Mathematically he's risking an additional 1800 to win 5300. That's almost 3 to 1 odds. And he wasn't a small stack.

I suppose he was playing something he considered to be junk and didn't want to show the table his range of hands. Personally speaking, I think it's good advertising to show the table you play lousy hands. But that's just me.

And last time I checked there were 930 players remaining.

9:01 PM. 870 players left. Average stack is 14384. I got 4400.

9:13 PM. 850 players remain. They're dropping like...things that drop. I pick up queen jack suited in the cut off seat. It's a hand I've had a crush on since high school and I'm excited to raise with it. Unfortunately some bully in middle position gets in my way and moves all in. I fold.

9:18 PM. I got 3 hands till I'm in the blinds. I'm down to 3400 and starting to feel desperate again. I got ace jack that one hand but otherwise it's all 2,9 and 2,7.

9:20 PM. Under the gun I pick up Ten, Jack suited. Gold in this economy. Seriously. Ten Jack suited? Are you kidding me? I love overplaying that hand.

I shove my 3300 out there and feel really good about it. I know I'm exuding confidence. Everyone is looking at me differently. I don't give them eye contact but I can feel them staring. My theme song from that pilot I did for a sitcom that never made it to television starts to play over the sound system. Lets just say that if I get called here it's gonna be because I'm behind. Not because someone dares to challenge my mojo. Who would have the nerve?

A dude in the blinds, the kind of character that Sacha Baron Cohen might play in a movie, looks at his cards and decides to get cute. He shrugs his shoulders at me and asks me how much I bet.

Damn him. Shrugging shoulders is my move! These freaking hacks stealing my act.

I shrug my shoulders right back at him and gesture for the dealer to count.

How in the world could I possibly be expected to ball park such a large stack.

There were at least 6 chips on the table in front of me.

My indiscriminate stack doesn't slow him down. He calls me and turns over king queen. Whew. No problem. No problem at all. We all know my Ten Jack is a coin flip against any over pair. But in this spot against king queen I'm at least a 4 to 1 favorite.

I've never played dungeons and dragons but I suppose this is similar to situations in that game where someone has "hit points."

The only question is how I'm gonna beat him. Will he completely whiff and I'll pair my jack? Will he flop trips and I'll go runner runner for a straight? Or will I hit trips on the river to take out his over pair?

Dealer turns over a queen ten rag flop. Okay. So trips it will be.

I do the math and get excited about the 7500 chips I'm about to watch the dealer shove my way.

Did I mention that that a few hands earlier this same tool called over a reporter from Poker News to give his chip update?

Who does that? Who needs press that badly? This isn't your movie opening buddy. This is a poker tournament.

The universe responds with a ten on the river.

Dude looks across the table at me like he'd never been sucked out on before.

I shrug my shoulders.

To be continued.

One Lottery Ticket Please Part IV

2009-08-24T00:45:00.000-07:00

This is part 4 of my recap of playing in WSOP event 51. I'm unintentionally setting a world's record for longest time to complete a blog entry and would like to apologize to Walter Cronkite and others who have begun reading the first part of this series, but are no longer with us. I promise to have this finished before the 2010 World Series.

If you're the kind of person who checks their email playing internet poker while also watching television, you might want to skip part 1 and head straight to part 2. Whatever you do, don't start with the entry below as you'll feel confused much like a character on LOST jumping all over time.

I know. Now you're gonna start with the entry below because you don't like it when other people tell you what to do. Fine. Do whatever you want.

I was only trying to help.

4:14 PM. I count my chips and look up at the video monitor. The average stack is 6839 and I remind myself how happy I'd be if I had just showed up to the tournament right now. I have close to average chips.

Off the record, I'm having a hard time buying my own mantra. The same mantra I've sold to millions of anxious people at seminars all over the world. And yes, in case you are wondering, I am available for your next corporate function.

Truth be told, I don't remember the next few orbits. From what I've read, the earth continued to rotate. Like a boxer covering up and listening for the bell, I waited for the round to end. We came to the end of level 4 and I got a much needed break. I walked all the ways through the Rio and tried to clear my head. When I reached Summerlin I decided to turn around and head back.

The funny thing is I made money, having begun the last hour with 5175 chips, and finishing level 4 with 6450. In some cultures this would be considered a good thing.

5:21 PM. Twenty minutes into level 5 and I'm seeing no playable hands. To make matters worse, I've got the guy I gave half my stack to sitting to my left and making my life difficult. He's applying pressure and forcing people to make big decisions. He's seeing lots of flops and if I were to enter a hand he'd be in position against me. So unfortunately my cards matter. Look I'm not a hemorrhoid expert, nor am I familiar with the clinical terms used by the medical professionals but this guy is what's known in the business as a pain in the ass.

5:23 PM. The woman to my right with approximately 3 grand in chips pushes all in under the gun. I look down at pocket 10's. I can't fold here, but playing this hand means I'm just hoping that no one behind me wakes up with a better hand. Since I'm going to call if I get raised, I get proactive and push. Everyone behind me folds. She asks me if I have a pair which seems like good news.

Then she turns over her cards and shows pocket 10's for an anti-climatic chop. I'm almost embarrassed by my superego's entitlement. "First real hand in over an hour and I chop the blinds. Unbelievable"

My id says "Yeah but at least she didn't 4 flush me with runner runner."

My ego just can't take it anymore. "Do you realize you're talking to each other like you're two different people?"

My id responds "We're completely different people. I'm not like him or you at all. We are such different people. We are. We are."

At this point the woman to my right looks at me and says "We are...what?"

I sit there silently. My id in particular is especially still.

Very softly, underneath the sounds of chips clicking throughout the room my superego whispers "Dude I think you just said that last part out loud."

My ego whispers back "Oh, so now it's you."

My phone vibrates.

I look down and see a text message sent at 5:26 PM.

From my id.

U WANT TO GO ALL IN NEXT HAND? SCREW THIS SCENE.

Then at 5:27 PM:

THE RIO SUCKS. LETS GO PARTY! WE'RE IN VEGAS MAN! VEGAS!

5:29 PM. From the looks of it we have around 47.4% of the field remaining. I look up at the board and confirm that there are indeed 1319 players left.

5:48 PM. A gentleman in middle position pushes all in. He the kind of guy who plays sub par cards, not because he's loose but rather because he genuinely thinks king jack is a good hand. His stack is half the size of mine. It's a similar situation to the hand I had against our lady friend. I look down in the blinds and see pocket 10's. Here we go again. I call. On this occasion Mr. King Jack has pocket jacks. I double him up. Leaves me with 3600. I've definitely had better Saturday at 5:48 PM experiences than this one.

5:55 PM. Here's some random math for you: For the past hour on approximately 50% of my hands, the first card I've looked at has been an ace. But over and over again the second card has been a rag. Fascinating. Over and over again. And I keep folding them. The best second card I've seen is a 7. Maybe I shouldn't look at the second one? Maybe I should just look at the first and raise? There's gotta be a way to fix this.

5:59 PM. Last hand of level 5. From early position I look down at queen jack suited. I haven't played many hands this hour so I'm hoping my early position mini raise gets respect. And by respect I mean my big stack nemesis folds. He calls. I miss the flop badly. I have less than 3000 chips left and prefer to save them for another spot. My plan will be to push preflop and either win the antes or double up. But I'm done with this hand. Please bet so I can fold sir.

6:03 PM. Level 6. 150/300 and 25 ante. 700 a round and I'm about to pay my blinds. I think I'm still alive, but sources say I am seeing a very bright light.

6:08 PM. Pocket 5's under the gun. According to my plan I'm supposed to push here. What else can you do? My id wants to push. My superego wants to push. Even my ego thinks it's the only play. But the guy making minimum wage who controls my hands comes up up with another idea. He decides to limp. That's right.

Why?

Intuition.

This "guy" tells me that someone behind me is going to raise to isolate me and then we can race. He convinces me that this is what's meant to be. I don't agree but it's just too much trouble to argue with the voices in my head. So I play along and call.

There are a few limpers behind me and then the small blind steps in and makes the move and raises to 1100. Ahhh. I get it. It's perfect. I'm going to push when the action gets back to me. Just like I said I would. But some of the medium stacks caught in the middle behind me will have to fold. Because they don't want the guy in small blind reraising all in behind them. I'm going to win alot more chips this way with all their dead money. Thank you universe for the secret message. And to think I was going to win less money by raising under the gun. What do I know?

And then something completely unexpected happened.

The big blind announces raise.

Gulp.

He shoves out 3200.

Damn.

I've played a few hands of poker over the past 5+ years. That's a raise and a reraise. It's oh so very likely that at least one of them has me 80-20.

Yes I know- I might be getting close to 4 to 1 from the pot. A call wouldn't be a terrible move. However if I wasn't going to take them odds for 25 thousand chips with ace king, I'm not exactly dying to take the worst of it here.

Survival is more important to me.

If I fold I still have 2450 chips. I can still shove on another hand. Specifically one where there isn't a raise AND a reraise in front of me.

6:12 PM. 1950 chips left. No one fades away like I do. My chip stack is a modern art exhibit. Critics are raving over its simplicity.

6:13 PM. I got an agent pitching Rick Moranis on a film I wrote where he plays me getting smaller and smaller in direct proportion to my dwindling chip stack. It's called Honey I Play Weak Passive Poker.

6:14 PM. I'm really trying to go all in. I swear I am. But I've seen 2,7 the past three hands. If only they were suited. Damn it's still so tempting to push with it. According to my right brain, if my left brain can confirm I have two cards dealt to me I should push.

But I don't. I'm stubborn. I got a blog to write and I damn it I need to tell a bad beat story. I need a pair so that I can get beat. I need ace king so that I can lose to ace queen. Come on already. Give me a top 50 hand I can go home with.

6:17 PM. Okay. I'll admit it. I'm sitting here thinking I wish I could go back in time and call that guy's all in with my ace king suited. I'd either have 25 thousand chips. Or I'd have avoided the past two hours of misery. It's SO win win.

And since you brought it up, what does Mr. Pocket 5's do if I push my 10k+ into the middle on the flop? Yeah instead of making my almost pot sized bet what if I led out all in?

Does he call on the 9 high board with his 5's? Maybe he does? Since he was willing to raise all in. And perhaps my pushing all in would stink of desperation?

But maybe he lays it down.

These are the things you wonder about while you're folding and waiting for Rick Moranis' people to call you back.

To be continued.

One Lottery Ticket Please Part III

2009-07-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

This is part 3 of my recap of playing in WSOP event 51. If you're gonna spend your hard earned time reading it, I suggest you start here first. I only offer this advice because I'm looking out for you and concerned with you living your life as well as possible.

3:54 PM. The powers that be break my table. It's a shame too cause I had a pretty good feel for how these guys were playing. And my image was immaculate. Everyone's seen me play tight for 3+ hours. Then go on a rush. If I played more hands now I definitely could have gotten some courtesy folds.

3:56 PM. I walk over to a different section and sit down at my new table. I look around at the chips. Everyone is small. The most is like 6000. Except for seat 1. He has a big stack that's pretty sloppy and because I'm on the other side of the dealer I can't get a good look at it. He has his smaller denomination chips in front too, blocking my view of his larger chips. Shame on me for not pursuing this information more arduously.

4:08 PM. I fold my first 5 hands. Taking it slow. Getting to know the table.
Around 1000 players are eliminated, leaving around 1800 left in the field. The average stack is approximately 7000. I'm very aware of how fortunate I am to have over 12k in chips. It gives me the freedom to make some moves and play some poker. It also gives me the freedom to sit back and fold if I need to.

4:09 PM. It's my big blind at 100/200. There are 5 limpers and the small blind completes. 1400 committed to the pot as I look down at ace king suited.

What to do?

I can go conservative and tap the table. It's not completely absurd. No one would ever put me on ace king later in the hand.

Of course the disadvantage would be when the flop comes out ace, 10, 4 and I'm letting someone with ace, 4 take some chips from me.

Ace King plays well heads up. I don't need to see a flop with 6 other people. I got chips. I say raise. The only question is how much?

In hindsight I wish I made a smaller raise. You know. Something like 800. Or 1000. In that moment I didn't want to raise too small and create what El Guapo might call "a plethora" of callers.

So the guy who controls the voice box in my throat said "Sixteen hundred more."

A complete overbet. I'm satisfied to take down the 1400 out there, and if one of these smaller to mid range stacks wants to repop me with pocket 8's, I'm happy to race.

One advantage of sizing my bet this way (I thought) was it might create the image of a mid pocket pair. Isn't this how lots of your friends play pocket 9's? Pocket 10's? Pocket Jacks?

They're terrified of seeing a flop. So they overbet preflop.

The guy in seat 1, under the gun, with the indiscriminate sized stack calls.

Everyone else folds.

Yuck.

He might have limped with aces.

He might have me out chipped.

Optimistically I might be about to increase my stack to over 25k.

But truth be told, this was the exact kind of situation I was hoping to avoid at this point of the tournament. I wanted to reraise mid stacks. Not play a big hand out of position against the only other guy at the table who can bust me.

The flop comes out 2,4,9. One club. Which happens to be the suit of my ace and king. This isn't an awful flop for me.

As far as I'm concerned my mid pair is probably still the best hand. Unless he's hit a set, or is in fact slow playing aces, I'm in good shape.

If I had pocket jacks I would bet out here. I don't want to check, have him check behind me and see an over card hit on the turn.

There's 4600 out there. If I had only raised 1000 there would be 3400 out there. But unfortunately there's 4600.

I play with my chips and eventually decide to slide out 3750. 5550 of my chips are now out in the middle. Almost half my stack. I think this bet shows I'm potentially pot committed. I ain't talking about a marijuana addiction.

The gentleman in seat 1 takes his time.

He studies the situation.

I sit calmly and stare at the chips in the middle of the table.

Just like I would do with aces.

It's like old times.

I'm waiting for him to fold.

He doesn't.

After a minute or so he declares he's all in.

Wow.

Damn.

All I wanted to do was play conservatively and hold onto my 12k chips until opportunity presented itself and now I'm stuck in this spot.

Come on Robert.

I ask how many chips he has. He tells me he has me covered. That doesn't answer my question. I haven't seen any chips move from his stack so I get the amateur dealer to remove 3750 from his stack and put it in the middle. Let me see how big this move is to him. I'm not posturing. I really have a decision to make.

As an aside, I am disgusted with myself for not knowing exactly how many chips he had. Yes the angle is difficult. I can now see he has his bigger chips to the left back of the stack where I couldn't see them. But whining about it now is just making excuses. It was my job to know beforehand.

Okay. Back to the moment at hand. He has presented me with two huge problems.

1- He can't fold. I can't reraise him and get him off his hand. He's taken that move away from me.

2- I don't think he has air. I do think his hand is ahead of mine right now.

Still, this is tough for me. There are mucho chips sitting in the middle. I'm getting close to 3 to 1 on my money. If he has a pair, I'm close to even money on this call. It may look like a donk call to those of you playing along at home but it has some merit. I'm 25% to win a hand that I'm getting 3 to 1 on. People flip coins all the time. This ain't that different.

Let's get one thing straight. I'd have 25k in chips if I win. How often do I have a 25% chance to have 25k in a WSOP tourney when the average stack is 7k? Yes there's a 75% chance I'm walking out the door. But 25% of the time I'm a monster stack. And unlike years past I can do some damage with a big stack. I'm not here to fold my way to the money. I don't need to cash in this tournament to buy groceries and pay rent. I've come to Vegas to win hundreds of thousands. This could be a step in that direction.

What could he have? Pocket aces? He limped under the gun. And called my raise. Knowing full well I'm probably leading out on the flop.

What if he has a set? A set of 9's? That's the hand I can remember losing to the last two times I've walked out of the WSOP.

Yeah. If he has a set I'll have a hard time forgiving myself. It'll be a long ride back to L.A.

But if he just has a pair?

And the really sick thing here is I think I can suck out on him. I swear. I'm totally convinced he will turn over something like pocket 8's and I will show my hand and he'll gasp as I hit a king on the turn. Then he'll get to tell me how poorly I play.

25% big stack. 75% go home.

If I fold I still have over 6k in chips with blinds at 100/200. I'd be slightly below the average. Folding would mean I'd simply have to start over.

And then I remember my mantra.

If you told me I could have 6000 chips in event 51 at 100/200...I'd take it.

I like my tournament play too much to have a 75% chance of walking out the door.

Wow it's so gross to have given away almost half my stack on this hand.

But I fold.

And the gentlemen who outplayed me in seat 1 turns over pocket 5's.

Wow. What he doesn't know is I'm too big of a donk to fold tens here.

If I had the over pair I'd be up to 25k.

Well on the bright side, at least the flop didn't come out ace king 5.

Then I'd be getting on the freeway for sure.

The woman sitting to my right asks me if he had me beat.

There's no good answer.

I want to say I folded pocket 3's.

That my antenna clearly picked up his pocket 5's and I made the big lay down.

Instead I sit there in silence.

To be continued.

One Lottery Ticket Please Part II

2009-07-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

Friday June 26th.

11:50 PM. I see the lights of Vegas from the 15. Tonight I appreciate my arrival more than usual as I've driven in tandem with some of the worst drivers ever. If these guys are playing in the $1500 WSOP event tomorrow I should absolutely go deep.

I don't know what's happened to driving on the freeway. You're supposed to stay to the right at all times, and only use the left lane for passing. Yet the norm is to do the complete opposite.

So we've got all sorts of donks in the left lane. You know. Because everyone wants to think that they're driving as fast as they possibly can. This slows down traffic and forces all the maniacs to go to the right lane to pass.

The unfortunate result is there's no safe lane for fast nor slow drivers. Everyone suffers. Multiple times, in both lanes, I have to jam on my brake while the car in front of mine comes skidding to a halt.

I really wish police officers would give out tickets to people driving the speed limit in the left lane. And of course to the people passing on the right. Something needs to be done to fix this. If only I had a blog where I could suggest change for the common good by writing about it.

Saturday June 27th

12:25 AM. I arrive at the Rio to register for the tournament and find out it's sold out. Damn. I'm not sure why this possibility didn't occur to me beforehand. The strange thing is I'm told to come back at 9 in the morning because they may release more seats.

I say something logical like "Why can't you sell it to me now? I'm here and I've arrived before the people who will be here at 9 in the morning." The gentleman looks back at me like some clever metaphor I haven't written yet. I leave him and wander aimlessly through the main poker room to take in the atmosphere and consider my options.

I'm frustrated to have come this far and not get in but the bigger problem for me is this completely messes with my plan for the next 12 hours. I really wanted to sleep in till like 11 and be fully refreshed for the tourney. I haven't even checked into my hotel yet. Now I gotta get up at 8 AM to come back over here? I'm cranky just thinking about it.

Is it a better move for me to go play the event at the Venetian? Or sit at cash games all day? Or come back here and play Main Event satellites? I close my eyes, take a deep breath. This must be exactly what it smells like in a fragrant prison.

1:10 AM. I'm standing in line to check in at the Hilton. I got some last minute internet deal for 3 nights, for the price of 1 night at the Rio. I need the 3 nights in case I somehow make it deep. The Hilton feels nostalgic because it was my sports book the last half of the Vegas Year. In fact I drove by our old house before doing the valet. It's still not rented. Hmmm. Maybe I should have stayed there tonight. The hotel clerk talks me into an upgrade for 20 bucks more per night.

2:00 AM. In bed.

3:00 AM. Wide awake.

4:00 AM. Still awake.

8:00 AM. I wake up and notice the time. My mind begins to race. Lots of people want to play WSOP events for the chance to win a bracelet. I'm in the minority who's much more excited by the potential six figure payout.

I'm also intrigued by the 4500 chip starting stack. In years past with the smaller starting chips I've found myself having to commit to one hand and either going broke or doubling up. With 4500 I can actually play some poker. Which convinces me I can get some chips. And have a long weekend. Okay. I'm going to the Rio.

8:30 AM. I give the valet 5 bucks after he brings me the car and he thanks me a little too much. That's my barometer that our economy isn't doing so well. People aren't tipping him 5 bucks.

8:45 AM. As I walk towards the registration booth I hear a guy outside one of the poker annex rooms saying "One seat left in a sit and go for the 1500." I think it cost $175 and was pretty tempting. The plus side is I could win my way in and save $1325 "if it's meant to be." However I was fully prepared to spend the full buy in and if I don't win my way in, I'm basically giving up my chance to get one of these 9 AM seats. I like the structure too much to miss out on this tournament.

8:50 AM. I get in line to register. People are getting seats. This is great!

9:15 AM. The movement stops. We're sold out. Again. Double Damn.

The funny part is that no one goes anywhere. We're all so used to Harrah's misinformation and chaotic mismanagement that none of us believes them when they say the event is sold out. We're collectively calling their bluff. On a side note- I've never seen so many people so anxious to give away 1500 dollars.

9:30 AM. People are losing patience. Voices are raised. The same guys who would be going all in and giving away their stacks in level one want to know for sure if it's sold out. Some of them begin to walk out angrily and mock the rest of us "idiots" for staying in line for an event that is sold out. Apparently this makes them feel better about their choice to leave. This exodus allows me to move up from around 30th in line to around 15th. I think this is what Bob Marley meant by "movement of jah people."

9:40 AM. I haven't lost hope but it does occur to me that I could have to stand in line for two more hours to get a seat. Is that worth it? Will I still play my best? Am I better off not standing in line for two more hours?

Well the one thing we all know is I'm not going to have to be one of these guys who has to ask someone to hold their place in line cause they have to go take a leak.

9:51 AM. A deadhead walks by with one finger in the air saying "I need a miracle. Who's got my extra ticket?"

9:52 AM. I haven't had my coffee yet so that last moment may not have actually happened. It might be me hallucinating.

9:54 AM. The mob is getting angry. Asking to get the tournament director on the phone. I feel nothing. Except tired. Who knew all those years of sleeping out over night for concert tickets in my teens would pay off?

9:55 AM. Harrahs releases 25 seats. By now I'm like 8th in line.

9:58 AM. I get in! Now if I can just show the same patience in the tournament.

9:59 AM. Okay. What to do next? I got two hours. I can go eat breakfast in the Rio. Or I can drive back to the Hilton and take an hour nap. Easy decision.

10:20 AM. My door at the Hilton is open because the cleaning women is inside. As I enter she asks me if this is my room. "No m'am. I just saw the door wide open and figured I could rob it if you didn't ask to see my key."

11:30 AM. I get my wake up call.

11:42 AM. Get out of bed.

11:46 AM. Put back on my lucky outfit.

11:51 AM. Go buy coffee.

12:08 PM. Drive past three billboard signs for Edward M. Bernstein accident/injury attorney. My favorite one is "Enough Said. Call Ed."

12:23 PM. Make it to my table. I have 4425 in chips. Only missed one orbit of blinds. I recognize two of the players to my right from The Vegas Year.
In fact one of them is a guy I first played with back in 2004 on my first WSOP trip out here. You know. Back when I had my cheat sheet listing the top 25 hands.

12:31 PM. Blinds 25/50. I raise it to 125 in early position with ace queen. Middle position calls. Button reraises to 400.

I hate this. I have no clue how he plays.

Is this his one hand per hour?

Or is he playing 50%?

I call in case the flop comes out ace, queen, queen. So does MP.

Flop comes 3 babies. I check. MP checks. Button pot bets.

I think he might be making a move so I raise all in.

Just kidding.

The truth is I use my x-ray vision and see his pocket 9's.

I fold.

12:44 PM. Ace queen again. Thank you universe for again giving me the hand that Doyle says he's lost the most money with. I mini raise to 100. Big blind raises to 250. Nice price and at least I can see a flop with position.

Flop misses me. I fold to the continuation bet. Down to 3700.

12:57 PM. Pocket kings. Decent timing since I'm the guy who raises pre flop, gets reraised and then folds on the flop. I raise to 150 in really late early position, or early middle position. depending on where you grew up.

Small blind calls. He's the only guy at the table wearing sunglasses.

Back when I spent a few years rapping I had the rhyme "Wearing sunglasses...cutting summer school classes." And now for some reason at this moment in time I can't get it out of my head. Two guys at my table are listening to ipods. Who needs an ipod when you got dope rhymes like that?

Flop is jack high and otherwise uneventful. I think for a moment, just in case I have ace king, and bet 250. He calls.

Turn is 9. I think for another moment and bet 400. He calls.

River is rag. Sunglasses plays with his chips and then slides out 750.

I actually appreciate this bet. It would have been scarier for me if he checked, I bet, and he pushed. I can't raise here but I'm also not folding. He's probably betting to steal the pot. Of course he could have two pair and be value betting. But he's wearing sunglasses.

I call and he turns over ace queen for ace high. I'm up to 5150.

I think I might recognize this guy from driving in on the I-15 last night.

1:05 PM. There are two Russian players at my table raising and reraising each other at every opportunity. I stay out of the way. I end level 1 with 5075.

1:19 PM. I'm doing lots of folding. I'd like to be more active but I'm getting nothing playable and them Russians are making it hard. One is seated to my right and the other guy two seats to my left.

1:20 PM. Bored, I look up towards the far end of the room where I can see Pauly sitting up high in the dark rafters looking like the the Judge who owns the Knights in The Natural. Someday I'm gonna tell him my story from 9-9-99 when I hung out with Phish in Vancouver.

1:48 PM. I'm down to 4875. No cards. The Russian gentleman to my right must be an internet player because he never remembers to put out his blinds. Oh and he raises 50% of his hands. I know I can win some chips from him if I reraise but I'd prefer for the universe to give me a bigger hand that I can simply call with and let him do the betting. I don't want to win the first bet. I want to win the flop and turn bets too. Cause I'm greedy.

1:58 PM. I haven't played a hand in level 2 cause I'm the second oldest player at the table. I pick up 4,6 suited in early position and take advantage of my image by limping in. Action gets folded around to the blinds. Obviously I have aces or ace king or something big. Small blind completes. Big blind taps the table.

The three of us see a 5,6,queen flop. Sunglasses is the small blind and he checks. Big blind bets 150 to find out if I'm holding ace king. I smooth call. So does sunglasses. I'd be really happy if I picked up a flush draw on the turn.

My friends in the random math lab do me one better. The turn is a 6. See how life works? I limp from early position with 4,6 and get rewarded with trips. Let that be the lesson here kids. Always play mediocre cards from early position as weakly as possible. That's how you win chips.

Both blinds check. I play with my chips. Everyone gets nervous when the board pairs so who knows what message I'm sending? All I know is it's real hard to get anyone to fold at this table so there's no point slow playing. I bet 400. Sunglasses calls. Big blind folds.

The river is a 7. Sunglasses plays with his chips. And then moves all in.

He he. Again? The two calls and then the river bet?

Come on man.

I ask for a count. It's only 1650. It's not like my tourney life is at stake so this is going to be an easy call. Is there anyway he could have a straight? Probably not. But it is possible he could have a 6 with better kicker. He was the small blind in an unraised pot.

I call and this time he turns over ace 8. I show my trips. He gets up and heads back to the I-15 so that he can swerve in and out of traffic for the next 5 hours.

Yeah. I definitely saw that guy on the road last night.

Level 2 ends a few minutes later and without doing anything too fancy I have 7050 at the first break.

2:30 PM. We get back from break and the WSOP suits announce they're gonna replay God Save the Queen after apparently offending some of our British friends with The Sex Pistols version the day before.

Really?

This is how we're gonna show sensitivity and class?

I'm sitting in a room full of some of the most obnoxious testosterone filled human beings on the planet, there are young girls walking around in their underwear selling products I can't remember and someone's feelings were hurt over a song cover?

Harrah's wants to show more sensitivity?

How about making all the players at my table shower?

Besides this is England we're talking about. We're about to celebrate July 4th. Didn't we fight a war 233 years ago so that we wouldn't have to apologize for playing a rock and roll version of their national anthem?

I'll tell you this: If I ever win a bracelet I'm going to insist on Radiohead's song The National Anthem. By far the best one out there.

Meanwhile the real punchline here is whoever won the next bracelet requested we honor our Iranian friends by playing the National Anthem of Iran. Or as the WSOP guy with the mic called it: "The national anthem of the Islamic Republic of Iran."

This prompted a guy standing near me to ask me "Did they just say Islamic?"

All we were missing was Bruno.

2:55 PM. Still in level 3. Blinds are 75/150. I make it 375 under the gun with pocket 2's and based on the number of hands I've played, I expect a little respect. The guy in second position to my immediate left calls. Everyone else folds. We see an ace high flop with 2 diamonds. I bet 750 into the 975 pot. He calls.

Another ace comes on the turn. This is tough for me. What would I do if I really had an ace? Sometimes I might check as to not lose my customer and induce a bluff. At this table I would probably bet since no one folds. I decide that he won't fold if I bet so I check and see if he has an ace. He checks behind me. I'm ready to fire again on the river.

The dealer turns over a king. My feelings suddenly change. I'm no longer comfortable betting. I wouldn't be shocked to see a hand with a king in it. I check. He checks behind me and turns over king 9 suited. He was chasing the flush draw. Based on what I saw I don't think he folds on the turn if I bet. The real shame is that the river was not the 2 of diamonds.

I say "nice hand." I'm down to 5900.

2:59 PM. Next hand I'm the big blind and call a late position raise to 400 with 10, jack. Only 250 more. The flop comes out king, jack rag. Against other players I'd lead out. Or check raise. But this gentlemen was tight. I believed he had the best hand. I was calling the preflop raise to flop 2,8,9. Not king jack rag.

I'm down to 5500 about to be the small blind.

I remind myself that if I just showed up, and was about to be the small blind and found out that I had 5500 chips: I'd be happy.

If you're just joining us now I've had one big hand today. The pocket kings back in level 1. I've had ace queen and missed twice. I won my chips with 4,6 suited.

3:09 PM. Interesting hand. Two guys limp. Small stack in the big blind raises. Early position guy folds. Big blind doesn't know there's another player in the hand. He thinks he was heads up. So he shows his pocket jacks. However the other player hasn't acted yet.

Here's where I think the other player plays it wrong: he moves all in! The pocket jacks guy has to call.

What I think the other player should have done is smooth called and then pushed all in if any overcards came. And obviously fold on the flop and save his chips if he can't beat jacks. Why get all the chips in now? Why not punish the pocket jacks guy by pushing all in if an ace flops? Even if he doesn't have an ace?

It turns out he didn't. He had king queen. The pocket jacks held, and the big blind doubled up. Here's the best/worst part: the big blind was assessed a penalty! For exposing his cards! This was absurd to me. The "no exposing cards" rule exists for the purpose of not gaining an advantage by showing your cards. This gentlemen was showing his jacks to be polite. And he got punished. So the lesson here kids is, once again, never show your cards when you don't have to.

3:23 PM. Folding.

3:36 PM. Level 4. 100/200. I switch to my lucky card protector and pick up ace 8 of diamonds on the button. Folded around to me, I make the standard 600 bet. Big blind plays back at me all in. I think it was something like 1800. Whatever it was, I was getting 2 to 1 here and couldn't fold to what smelled like a low pair kind of move. He turned over queen jack. An ace came on the flop and I felt good about myself as a human being.

3:38 PM. I pick up ace suited again and raise the next hand from the cutoff. Everyone folds. Two in a row.

3:40 PM. Very next hand. I raise to 600 with pocket jacks. Obviously I'm having one of those rushes Doyle always promised me I'd have. Everyone folds except the big blind.

Flop comes out queen, jack rag. Two spades. Big blind leads out for 1000. I sit there and try to take my time. Then raise to 3000. You know. To show him that I'm not falling for his move. He takes his time. And then moves all in. Wow.

I'm really hoping I'm up against ace queen here. I'd rather not have to fade the straight or flush draw. But what difference does it make what I want? I call. He turns over the ace high flush draw.

For a split second I feel sorry for myself. It's kind of like if I just had top pair, then it's fair for me to lose this race. But for all the trouble it takes to hit a set, somehow it's incomprehensible for me to get outdrawn against it.

I don't. My set somehow holds up. I'm up to 12350 chips.

I've got a little more than double the average stack.

What could possibly go wrong?

To be continued.

One Lottery Ticket Please

2009-06-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

By now I'm sure you're all tired of hearing my publicist explain how I'm waiting till 2011 to get back into the poker scene.

It went a little too far this week when In Touch magazine included me in their "Celebrities Are Just Like Us" segment. These are a few pages in their rag where they give patronizing examples of celebrities doing things that non-celebrities too might find themselves doing.

Usually it's stuff like: "They pick up their kids from school" (Just like us.) And we get to see a movie star parked in front of a school.

Or: "They go shopping for anniversary gifts." (Just like us.) And we see someone who had their TV show canceled in 1997 shopping at the mall.

Obviously you can see why this magazine is so popular.

This particular one said: "They wait until 2011 to play in the World Series of Poker" and there was photo of me wearing sweatpants while getting some coffee in Beverly Hills.

You just can't buy that sort of press.

Well actually you can, if you have a publicist.

Why am I taking the time off from poker? Why wait till 2011 to return?

It's always been a dream of mine to play professional baseball. I'm planning to report to the Chicago White Sox Spring training camp come February. I'm prepared to spend the year riding a bus around the minor leagues.

I'm waiting till 2011 so that I can spend more time with my family in 2009 and 2010.

I want to work on all the projects I've been putting off all these years while I've been working on all the projects.

I've also always wanted to start a boy band. If not now, when? We all know I'm not going to look this young forever.

Although I will admit that as much as I want to learn to hit a curve ball and dance in unison in front of prepubescent kids, I have noticed the World Series of Poker is going on. Right now. As I type these words. These words too.

Damn I'd love to go and play an event. Buy me a lottery ticket. Be a tourist with a mission. Oh sure I might have to sit through hours of traffic to get there on a Friday night. But that part seems like really good practice for folding.

Progress

2009-06-17T23:43:00.000-07:00

When you play online poker there's something real nice about how complete strangers from all over the world will take the time to share their deepest thoughts and feelings with you in the text box. They want to let you know how they feel.

Like today I had a short exchange with one gentleman halfway around the world that ended with him telling me "STFU" which I think means "Safe Trip For Universe."

This is the kind of positive experience the internet provides. Before the internet you'd actually have to travel to another country to hear someone tell you "STFU."

But now in 2009 you can read "STFU" from the comfort of your own home!

Basic Strategy

2009-05-31T00:53:00.000-07:00

Hand after hand the worse cards win. We've all seen it.

Not in the long run of course. In the long run the better cards will win.

Sklansky and others assure us of this.

Just not right now.

It's okay. It's what makes the game good.

Right now in this moment the worse cards are gonna win. You know. The short run.

This means my most important job at the table is not to get upset. Not to take it personally.

I'm pretty sure I know this. But sometimes I forget.

The beats happen. The gutshots hit. Everybody hurts.

Some of us can handle it.

Some of us can't.

It's what makes the game good.

Just Robert being Robert

2009-05-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

I traded for Manny Ramirez this morning in my fantasy baseball league. I wasn't scared off at all by his 50 game suspension for testing positive for performance enhancement drugs. In fact hearing that news is part of what made me want to trade for him. Well that and the fact that my fantasy league is the real deal. Unlike most poser leagues, this one exists entirely in my head.

My team is pretty good this year. If I can get one of my imaginary friends to trade me some relief pitching I just might be able to make a run at the title. But I don't want to get ahead of myself here. Some of the other owners are jerks and truth be told, I haven't even begun negotiations so I don't want to be unrealistic about who I can get.

Sorry Dave

2009-05-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

I'd like to apologize to my friend Dave.

For at least a month now (truthfully much longer) I've been emailing him my bad beats. I want to show him how unfair poker has been to me. Even though I know bad beats happen all the time.

20% wins way too often. 10% occurs. When poker players go to the doctor and are told they have a 5% chance of dying from an operation, they make plans for the funeral.

Heck even 1% happens.

Honestly at this point the only hand worth forwarding to another person is when 0% happens. That's still noteworthy. But runner runner quads taking out flopped quads? Been there. Done that.

I wrote about running bad around a month ago. At that point it had already been going on for a little too long. What can I say? I've been stuck in the mud. But my internal need to show others that it's happening is way too human. And more importantly not beneficial.

Simply put, I gotta stop whining and get back to being the emotional rock that we all know and love. The only thing worse than how I've been running is my having to listen to myself talk about it. And being Dave.

So tonight when my pocket kings go down to king queen off I'm not going to copy and paste the hand.

Well maybe, I might.

But I promise I won't email it to anyone.

Peeing and Poker

2009-04-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

I've never had to pee during a road trip.

Oh sure, when others needed to stop there were a few times where I might have taken advantage. There's 120 hours of footage documenting my driving around the country with a couple of funny guys in 1997 and not once was I the person who asked that we pull over the van to use a rest stop.

(In fact the only time I ever asked to pull over was in upstate NY when the luggage rack turtle shell thing on the roof blew off and flew across the highway. Thank God no one in any of the cars behind us was hurt. Still the fact remains that my asking to stop was related to safety, environmental cleanup and recycling. I did not need to pee.)

Why don't I need to pee as often as the rest of you?

That's a really great question. You are obviously a smart reader.

It's just something I was born with. I sip. I only wet my throat. I don't ever gulp. I have an incredibly malleable bladder. All of these things are true.

There are also some things in life you can't explain. Mysteries that defy all logic and reason. The way an ace flops whenever you have pocket kings.

Readers of this blog may know me as the Red Ants in Nevada House Guy. But to all my friends from the "Who Can Hold It In The Longest?" competitions, I'll always be The Camel.

And I can't sit here and say my bladder hasn't benefited me. It did get me that scholarship to college. Its helped me with multiple career choices. A strong bladder is essential when you are in charge of a room full of people. Occupations like teacher, performer, evangelist, family therapist, community theater director. In all of these fields it helps when your bladder is stronger than those listening to the words coming out of your mouth.

It works that way in competitive sports too. Unless you're Rosie Ruiz. Then you have time to compete and go relieve yourself as often as you wish. This is off topic but something I've always wondered is when Rosie Ruiz cheats at marathons, if she takes the subway to get further along do you think she jumps the turnstile? Or does she pay?

I have so much to be grateful for. Holding in your urine is great for going to movies. Waiting in line for concert tickets. Hanging in Times Square on New Years Eve. And poker. Well maybe not the Times Square example. Many people do find places to relieve themselves there.

But the larger point is that nearly not enough has been written about peeing and poker. Everyone underestimates the importance of bladder control, especially near the end of a level or on the bubble. You can see the pain in your opponents. Their legs are tapping. They need to go.

This is why the last hand before a break is such a great time to go into the tank. Phil Gordon teaches everyone to try to steal these last pots. But what he doesn't mention is that it's not about starting hand selection, position and reading your opponents. It's mostly about who has the strongest bladder.

Where's that chapter?

Which pro is gonna have the guts to tell me when to go to the bathroom and when to keep playing?

Do I have to be the source for everything?

Phil Hellmuth's book isn't on my shelf but from the time I've spent in bookstore poker aisles (usually while my wife is peeing) I recall him recommending something about trying to play like an elephant or a lizard. But not covering what to do when you need to pee.

Kenny Rogers may have come the closest to sharing this information when he sang that we "gotta know when to walk away and know when to run."

There's plenty of misinformation out there. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to people say they're gonna pay their blinds because they wanna play their button. So they play their button and then go to the restroom, completely ignoring the fact that the next 7 hands are free to see.

Why would you give up these free looks?

So your friend Robert is here to set the record straight. I suggest you go to the restroom before your blinds, not afterwards. The move that works best for me is to go to the bathroom after my under the gun fold. Then I try to time my return to the table after the button has passed my big and small blind. I then pay to come in, but the big advantage is that I'm in late position.

I've done no research to back up the math here but it feels like a huge advantage. If I'm playing 2/5 no limit I don't mind sticking 7 bucks in from the cut off seat. It feels much better than spending the same 7 bucks to play from the blinds. In fact, if you let me go the bathroom every orbit when it's my turn to play from the blinds, I'd gladly return and post 7 bucks from the cut off seat. Apparently products like Flomax* help make this a winning strategy.

We can argue later on (by the urinals) if this is +EV but I'd love it because I'd still have the option to raise these hands. It would be like the Mississippi straddle.

*Note to all the people working in the ad department at Flomax who are reading this blog: I agree I'm the ideal poker representative for your product. I look forward to returning to the World Series of Poker wearing an outfit entirely covered with Flomax ads. (Plus the added benefit of using me as your spokesperson is you know for certain that The Camel won't be away from the table in the bathroom when the ESPN cameras come to my table.)

That Old Familiar Feeling

2009-04-05T01:12:00.000-07:00

I can stomach lots of bad beats in a day. In a week. In a life. That poker skill is way more important than people tell you. I'm pretty damn good about controlling my emotions. But I do have a breaking point. Once or twice a year I reach a point where I can no longer take it. Things keep going wrong at the poker table and it feels personal. It seems fixed. Why would my opponent call an all in with that hand on that board? How did he know what was coming next? I curse the Universe. Not out loud of course. But inside I suffer. I perceive a lack of fairness. I seek justice.

Logically it makes no sense. But this isn't about logic. It's not even about money. I'm no longer playing to eat. No now I'm playing for fun. Well in theory I am. But it's not the truth. No the truth is I'm playing for my ego. I'm playing to be right. I'm playing to show myself how good I can be. And that should be enough. Getting in with the best hand should be my joy. Getting all my chips in the middle way ahead of my opponents should be my reward. The runner runner that takes me down shouldn't matter. The 2 outer that comes again should make no difference. But when it happens too often it does. I am ashamed of the universe. How can there be a God? Would God really let someone who played like that win?

I play some more. Tournaments. Cash games. It makes no difference. It happens. It happens again. It keeps happening. It's different. But it's the same. It's too often. How can luck be so consistent? I've seen it go both ways. These streaks defy common sense. Oh I know the answer. Take a few days off. Come back next week and it will all be fine. The money I can win back but not the time. That's the hidden rake. I don't mind paying it when I'm winning. But when I'm losing I notice it more. The money I can win back but that time is gone forever.

I'm Right and You're Wrong

2009-04-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

Trying to discuss limit hold em strategy with poker players is like trying to discuss evolution with monkeys. Or in this case, donkeys.

Poker by Analogy #6,432,069

2009-03-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

Playing suited connectors is a lot like going to a strip club. If you can get in for free and don't have to buy any drinks then it's absolutely great. I like to see "the flop" as much as the next guy. Heck who doesn't like to look?

But if you got dragged out by some friends and already have a bad feeling about being there, then find yourself spending even more money to see "the turn" hoping that something good might happen, well then maybe you should wait until you find yourself a real hand. Or a girlfriend.

2011

2009-02-28T10:50:00.000-08:00

My secret is I'm quietly preparing for the 2011 World Series of Poker.

I'm seeing the game on a new level. I'm finally able to get inside the head of players who play as I did in 2006. I completely understand how they think and my new poker task has become to exploit my own prior strategy. The funny part is sitting there and listening to them criticize my game. They think they are so smart. That's okay. So did I. When I played like they did.

I sneak onto the internet a few nights a week but because my time is so limited I'm forced to play WAY MORE loose aggressive than what I might consider optimal strategy. My goal is to acquire chips or be done with the session. I can't sit around and fold my way to the money. I'm either going to the final table with a big stack or I'm not going at all.

This week I played in a tournament with 1300+ players. I was chip leader with 6 remaining. I then ran into some real hands when I could have folded my way to a 4 figure payout. Everyone mocked me. But that's how I play at the moment.

It's hard for me to feel sorry for myself when I run into real hands after I've been stealing from them for hours. If I hadn't played so aggressively I never would have become the chip leader in the first place. So for me to lose the chips in the same manner was okay. Better for me to get familiar with these situations now. So that I'm ready for 2011.

Over One Billion Served

2009-02-07T12:27:00.000-08:00

I finally hit the one billion mark for poker hands played.

Thank you very much.

Please don't send any gifts.

The knowledge I've gained is my reward.

What have I learned from one billion hands of poker?

That life isn't fair.

The Roaches Know

2009-01-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

Here's something I read today on how roaches obviously understand game theory. Roaches know you've gotta raise with a variety of holdings. That's why they've been around for so long. If roaches only raised when they had good cards they'd be long gone. Like the dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs are great to have at the poker table because they're so predictable and that sort of play will make you extinct. But not the roaches. When you're playing poker against a roach you never know if he's got pocket aces or 3,6 off.

Push Ups

2009-01-12T19:43:00.000-08:00

Raising is difficult to do but good for you. The more I raise, the more chips I acquire. When I raise with mediocre holdings it disturbs everyone at the table. Kind of like I'm breaking the rules.

People tell me how poorly I play but I've got to keep raising because I need to take care of myself. If the object of poker was to lose weight then raising would be like exercising. I gotta get my workout in.

Calling isn't so good for your health. Calling is like when you're hungry and go to a movie and end up eating too much popcorn. Afterwards you feel sick and your body is all confused whether you are hungry or not because you haven't had a real meal but you are full of popcorn and butter and salt. That's exactly what calling is.

Folding is fine too. Absolutely. In any situation. Don't let anyone ever tell you in life that you have to eat the popcorn when you really want dinner. Go eat. Besides the movie will eventually come out on pay per view and the truth is it's probably not as good as everyone says it is unless you were in that first batch of people to see it. You know. Back when there weren't any expectations. But now? With all that hype? There's no way that film can be good.

Getting Back In The Flow

2009-01-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't played nearly enough poker since leaving Las Vegas in August.

How much isn't enough?

-Once at Harrahs Rincon near San Diego in September.

-A second time at the Blerge in Brooklyn in October.

-A third time at some card room in Northern California in December.

And that's it.

I did however get back into the online scene this week after getting a small transfer on Full Tilt from Check Raise Chin.

My first action was Monday night. I stayed within my bankroll like a good human being by entering a $2.25 tournament. There were 436 players and I came in 1st place.

What does this mean?

Now I get to play in $4 dollar tourneys!

What would Larry David do?

2009-01-05T00:29:00.000-08:00

I have 42 poker books book sitting on my shelf and that's not even counting my autographed copy of T.J. Cloutier's Hold 'Em book that my friend Joe borrowed from me back in 2005.

Lets say I were to visit Joe's home and while meeting his baby daughter for the first time I notice T.J.'s book sitting in the living room. Can I just take it back? Or do I have to ask for permission first?

What if I haven't bought his daughter a gift yet? Can I just give her the T.J. Cloutier book? What does Miss Manners say to do here? How about Martha Stewart? From what I've read OJ Simpson says to take the book. That much I know. (Cause I like to read.)

The Pros and the Cons

2009-01-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

One benefit to not gambling for a living anymore is I don't have to worry about finding myself a lucky outfit to wear when I wake up in the morning.

What Have I Written?

2008-08-07T16:43:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor this week. He asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a writer.

"What have you written?" he asked.

"Oh you know." I said.

"The new Grisham Novel."

"A little Stephen King."

"Parts of the bible."

"Oh and I have a poker blog."

There was a lull in the conversation so I asked him who he's operated on.

He listed some names but there was no one worth mentioning.

Taking Out The Garbage

2008-08-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

We're packing to move.

You know how I hate to brag, but truth be told I just threw out the garbage. This meant a fresh bag for the kitchen, which in turn presented an opportunity for me to bask in a little garbage bag glory.

Long story short, around a year ago I went really LONG on garbage bag futures and bought some ridiculously large box at Costco or Sams Club or whatever mega-store it is that I always shop at and exclusively endorse. The box was huge and a great value.

How big was the box?

Well according to the mega-store manager, there were six figures of garbage bags inside of it. There was a rumor on the check out line that within each of these bags was another bonus garbage bag but I didn't believe that part. I'm not sure why people need to start these rumors. As if six figures of garbage bags isn't enough. Now I gotta be disappointed when I get home and find out that I don't get double the garbage bags?

And until the technology improves for counting these garbage bags, I'm just gonna have to take their word and trust this manager guy. What choice do I have? There are just too many bags for me to count by myself.

I want to thank everyone who've said they'd come by to help me count the bags. At the poker tables it's usually the guys at lower limits. Makes sense since in theory their time is worth less money. I really appreciate all the generosity but I think I'm just gonna wait till the technology catches up to find out.

It seems like just yesterday, standing in the mega-store, making the second biggest decision of my life. I'll never forget my wife's gasp when she first saw the unopened box in the converted airplane hangar. Knowing full well she'd be seeing this same box outside our home for decades to come.

The craziest part was even with her fully aware of the box's arrival to our home, she still fainted when the delivery guys left it in our driveway.

I know the financial analysts have been talking. Saying I've put too much into the garbage bags. Saying that my portfolio is not diversified enough. That BS!

How can I not be diversified enough?

Everyone knows I'm diversified!

I'm voting for Obama.

And lets make one thing clear: I didn't go long with the garbage bags to please anyone else. I didn't do it to satisfy the critics. I didn't do it to gain the attention of my neighbors. I did it for myself. And maybe this blog entry.

What can I say? I like the security. I like possessing something that is finite yet feels infinite. I love having the essential tool for cleanliness.

It's not the broom. And it's not the pan.

But it is still part of the endgame.

Mostly I like knowing that every time I go to the box there will be thousands of garbage bags waiting for me. In case I need. One.

And I'm not aloof. I know my neighbors are angry. Calling me names. People across the street to the South saying that my box of bags obstructs their view of the Stratosphere. People behind me to the North saying my box messes with their experience of the Luxor light. (What the hell is an "experience of the Luxor light" anyway?) People to the East saying they can't see the Wynn anymore. As if that's the reason they can't sell their home. There's a recession people.

And EVERYONE in my zip code saying cell phones don't get the same reception they used to. Ever since that box of garbage bags showed up.

Well too bad for all of them.

If garbage bags have taught me anything at all, it's that you can't please everyone.

A Vegas Year is 19 Months Long.

2008-08-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

That's how quickly it happens.

Like watching a runner runner flush...

Boom.

Just like that.

The Vegas Year is over.

There's a theoretical seat open at my figurative table.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to live here. It was a dream come true to jump into the world of Vegas poker. I've watched, seen, and learned so damn much. Writing about it has been a joy as well.

Of course living here has also been difficult at times. To have to win, yet not always win. To feel bad that I'm not working hard enough, then go lose money and feel even worse that I played at all.

And of course dealing with the tilt. The emotions. The great challenge of not letting results matter, when in fact they're all that do matter. Unless the gas station and supermarket start taking your bad beat stories.

I'm excited to relocate. Our next stop is California. Being from NYC I've occasionally had an attitude towards the West Coast. Maybe it's the whole Brooklyn losing the Dodgers to Los Angeles thing. All I know is now after 19 months of living in the desert, California looks to me like the Garden of Eden.

The best part about the way the human mind works is that I'm already fantasizing about coming back to Vegas to play poker for a weekend...

And I haven't even left yet!

I think I wanna stay at the Bellagio.

And then fly back home and out of Vegas 48 hours later!

Leaving is a big part of the fantasy.

That's what I call the happy ending.

1000 Minutes Of Discipline

2008-07-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

I spoke with a friend last night who told me he just retired from poker.

"You're retired?" I asked.

I'd heard him correctly. Said he made the decision to retire based on a recent session. Apparently he went to play at 9:30 PM and then stayed all night long. Played until 2:30 PM the next afternoon.

Afterwards he was upset that he was unable to get up and leave the table. Okay. So perhaps he lacks the "discipline" to walk away from the game.

However he's sure got some "discipline" to sit there and play for 17 hours!

That's all I'm saying.

17 hour session?

The only thing I could do for 17 hours is sleep, and to complete that task I'd probably need a nap somewhere in the middle.

My friend summed up the pros and cons of what may be his last poker session. Ever.

"The good news is I played the entire time on just one buy in! The bad news is I lost it at the end after 17 hours of play. It was $200 hundred bucks!"

"Well at least you got your money's worth" I said.

The Unmet Need

2008-07-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

A guy raises my blind in late position.

Does it make any difference if I told you he had a ponytail?

What range of hands should we put him on?

How about after he says "This table sucks. I can't get no action."

The small blind calls and so do I. Flop comes 10,10, rag. Small blind bets. I get out of the way. Small blind happens to have 10,7 and is about to take down a big pot from the ponytail guy. This results in the ponytail guy yelling at the 10,7 guy for calling his preflop raise with well, 10,7.

It's hard to feel bad for the ponytail guy because we've all just listened to him say that our table sucks because he can't get any action. Well sir you just got some action.

The next orbit the same ponytail guy raises again in late position. This time he starts running his mouth about how no one respects his raises.

We all fold behind him.

At which point he starts complaining that our table is playing too tight.

And he means it.

This guy had a real miserable energy to him. He was the kind of human being you'd go to see a movie with just so you didn't have to talk to him. The kind of person best enjoyed in the dark, while paying attention to a motion picture and eating popcorn.

Motion Sickness

2008-07-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

Poker tables are full of hacks. People making crazy moves. Moves that may or may not actually apply to the given hand. It's kind of like these players have learned how to do the Heimlech maneuver and desperately want to test it out, but no one happens to be choking at the moment.

Imagine you're sitting at a poker table feeling nausea. All of a sudden another player makes a bad read and misinterprets the situation to be that you're choking to death. So they run up behind you, wrap their arms around your chest, and start pumping.

Talk about awkward...

What this other player doesn't understand is that even if the Heimlech maneuver somehow alleviates the nausea on this particular hand, it still doesn't mean it was a positive expected value move in the long run.

Watching people like this play poker can be highly entertaining. Unless you're the person in the hand who got unlucky. Then their play might make you sick.

Most doctors and medical experts say that nausea and choking are two of the symptoms to look out for. If you've experienced either of these discomforts at the poker table, there's a good chance you outplayed your opponent but still got sucked out on.

Which is one of the major reasons why I never play poker on a boat.

Ahhhh Math

2008-07-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

I've been playing lots of HORSE the past couple of days and discovered something scary: I'm up money in the games that involve a low hand (Omaha HL, Stud HL and Razz) and down money in the games that award only a high pot (Hold em and Stud high).

How strange and embarrassing is that?

Especially the hold em part!

Who knew that Texas Hold em was my big leak?

Meanwhile, perhaps not surprisingly, I've fallen madly in love with these low games. My math brain really digs the concept of playable cards. By playable cards, I'm speaking of cards in my hand that I can use to win with at showdown.

I haven't read any Razz books so I'm not sure if I'm stating the obvious (or even correct in this matter) but when playing Razz I prefer to hold something like 4,5,6 than say ace,2,jack. However from what I've witnessed, the same can't be said of my opponents.

I'm sitting with players who'll reraise me if they've got 2 good cards like ace 2,jack. This move is probably residual from Omaha HL where any ace,2 in the hole is potentially the nut low. Now ace,2,jack may have lots of bling, but it's still a drawing hand. A player with ace,2,jack still needs a legitimate low card to replace the jack.

So I've been coming along for the ride anytime I start with 3 cards that I wouldn't mind showing down. I certainly haven't played enough hands to make any sort of grandiose statement but for the moment this strategy has been been working pretty well.

If you're a regular Razz player, what I've written here is probably real remedial. Kind of like it's coming from a first grade teacher.

Yet if you've never played Razz before the last couple of paragraphs might read like calculus.

Which kind of sums up Razz.

It's first grade calculus.

It's first grade because everyone acts like they're 6 years old when they miss their draws. And it's calculus because just like calculus, most of the people sitting there have no idea what they're doing.

Poker By Analogy #523

2008-07-21T12:05:00.001-07:00

Being a poker player is kind of like being the coach of a sports team.

In both activities you don't actually play. You manipulate and behave in certain ways to get those around you to act accordingly.

In both activities you can't will yourself to win. You can't make your hand hold up anymore than you can get your worst athlete to score.

In both activities you're forced to make the best with what you've got. If you're a basketball coach and your team is small, you might choose to play the game at a faster pace. If you're a poker player with suited connectors, you might want to keep the pot smaller preflop.

Play to your strengths.

Avoid your weaknesses.

Like my main man Sun Tzu.

When Life Gives You Pancake Mix, Make Pancakes

2008-07-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

I don't have much experience making pancakes. My pancake days have been limited at best. My participation almost symbolic. Watching me cook pancakes is like watching a politician throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. It's awkward and not worthy of press coverage. Oh sure on occasion I've passed through the kitchen and finished off a batch of pancake mix by doing the "guest pour" but that's the extent of my involvement.

No one has ever asked me to prepare pancakes for them. For some reason I've never been in charge of creating the mixture. I've never woken up and thought today I will make pancakes. Thus when it comes to the home pancake experience, I'm what you might call a role player. I eat. I close the meal. I'm there to finish up all the extra pancakes that come off at the end. The ones that no one else can handle. That's what I do. That's my job. And once in awhile...if I happen to find myself in the kitchen late in the meal...maybe I do the last pour or two. But that's it.

Due to my exceptional meal closing abilities, certain columnists have dubbed me the Mariano Rivera of Pancakes. They still love to talk of the time I spilled the pancake mix all over the kitchen counter in Arizona in 2001. No one forgets that night. And of course I also dropped the spatula in Cleveland back in 1997. It happens. Only two mess ups over all that time is still pretty damn impressive.

Looking back over my pancake career, I may not have poured the batter too often but I was a crowd favorite in the kitchen. The people would start clapping anytime I got near the ladle. In fact if you listen to old bootlegs of my 20th century pours, it's hard to tell if you're standing in my kitchen, or at Soldier Field in Chicago when William "The Refrigerator" Perry came into the game for one of his novelty goal line carries.

Mostly I was loved. Adored by pancake fans who knew I wasn't afraid to have fun out there. Not the people who started liking pancakes once they became popular. I'm talking about the folks who were there in the beginning. The same folks who will still be there eating their pancakes long after ESPN stops showing them. The people who actually appreciate breakfast and not the fad called breakfast.

Sometimes, if there were children around, I would try to pour an "R" in the pan to make them jealous that I could have a pancake in the shape of my first initial. This move can become rather dangerous if there is no additional pancake mix left for the young person to then make their own initial with. I learned this lesson the hard way.

Those of you who've had the pleasure of watching me cook before, you guys probably know to stand back at a safe distance. Everyone else however needs to be real careful. Sometimes food ends up in places it shouldn't and people get hurt in the process. It's one of the reasons I have you sign that waiver on the way in.

My wife is well aware of my cooking history. I'm messy. There are spills and occasional burns. So when I announced yesterday that I was going to make pancakes, you can imagine how surprised I was to immediately receive clearance from her to create the mixture.

She said okay? Did she hear me correctly? I said I was going to make pancakes.

My wife's only request was that I come and get her before I poured. Now sure I could have argued with her that pouring was the only aspect of pancake making that I might be qualified to do. But why ruin a good thing?

Meanwhile look who's getting full control over making the mix?

According to the box the recipe was simple. All I needed was:

2 cups pancake mix
1 cup milk
2 eggs
2 tablespoons oil

So like Joba Chamberlain becoming a starting pitcher, I began to make pancakes.

As a math guy I was all over the the liquid to solid cups things. They want 2 cups mix and 1 cup milk? No problem. The fact that I used different devices to measure each of these cups should calm everyone down.

The 2 eggs part was also pretty straight forward. I raised preflop and everyone folded.

The hand that got me in trouble was the 2 tablespoons of oil. I wasn't thinking and grabbed the extra virgin olive oil instead of using vegetable oil.

What? You want me to think too?

In my defense I've never made pancake mixture before. And all it said was oil.

(If that line of thinking doesn't convince people then I'm just gonna have my lawyer go on and on about how "the oven mitt don't fit." Mitt also happens to rhyme better with acquit than does glove. Talk about a lucky break.)

So that's the bad news. The olive oil did make the pancakes taste funny.

However the good news is that substituting olive oil for vegetable oil only matters if you care about how your pancakes taste.

I sure didn't get much help eating this specific batch of pancakes from my wife. As I sat there chewing endlessly I pictured Marv Albert chiming in with how "we're watching extended Gar-bage Time" in that Marv Albert way where he turns "Garrrrr-Baaggggge" into a French word.

So what did we learn here?

Well I definitely misplayed the recipe.

Olive oil instead of vegetable oil?

Embarrassing. I should know better. It's the kind of donkey mistake that results in getting flamed all over the message boards. The pancake blogger community can be tough like that.

Me? I'm trying to stay above the fray. I'm hoping that I've grown from the experience and that I won't make the same mistake next time.

Bluffing Onstage.

2008-07-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

One trick I've learned in show business is to perform prepared material in such a way that the audience assumes I'm improvising. On their part it's a reasonable assumption since if I'd actually prepared material, it should be tight. So if I'm standing onstage and it looks like I'm thinking about what to say next, it's fair to assume that I'm making it up as I go along.

This technique (accidentally) worked for me this past week. I was messing around onstage rapping with two percussion players. My rhymes were all prepared but I took my time and did them so slowly, so randomly, so patiently, that it seemed like I was making the entire thing up in that moment. The pauses weren't planned. They were unintentional. They were due to my not remembering all of my rhymes. But the audience ate it up.

The audience's reaction is proof that life is all about expectations. If this same audience had expected a tightly memorized rap, then I would have failed. But to a group of people that thought I was making up rhymes on the spot, I looked like a rapping genius.

The bluffing part was amusing post show. I was chatting with some folks and well aware of just how sloppy my performance was. But these members of the audience would hear nothing of it. They were too impressed with how I had just spit out 5 minutes of clever rhymes off the top of my head. I told them the lines were prepared but they didn't believe me.

What they don't understand is that if I could improvise rhymes that well, I'd be the world's greatest rapper. Not some guy who's pausing every 4 to 8 sentences because he's trying to remember what obscure reference comes next.

Ace 10 is Whack

2008-07-11T02:28:00.000-07:00

Most times I have no plan. I don't go into the casino thinking "I'm going to raise 40% of the hands" or "I'm going to fold all night." My style of play is dictated by what I see at the table and I react accordingly. That's what it says in my pamphlet. I'm happy to play lots of hands, I'm happy to fold. It's all based on what's going on in the moment.

Going to the Rio for an evening session, I fully expected to see chaos. It's what goes on in that room. I was prepared to play tighter than normal. At 2/5 it costs 7 dollars to see 10 hands. Thinking of it this way helps me chill out and play tighter. There's no need to force action to happen.

I came up with an experiment. Sit back and play real tight and fold for 3 orbits. It will only cost 21 dollars for 30 hands. At some point I'll pick up a hand and raise it up. In the meantime I'll fold all those crappy jack,2 hands and move on.

So what happens in real life? The very first hand I see gets raised to $35.
3 people call in front of me. I look down in the blinds at 8,9 suited. Welcome to 2.5 at the Rio.

I call because I have implied odds and by implied odds I mean a blog. The best part about calling is I immediately exceed my $21 budget before I've even seen a flop. Who knew I was this cool? People* trying to put a $21 dollar cap on me and I'm calling $35 dollar bets with 8,9 suited.

* People = Me.

I think I used to have discipline. At some point. Maybe.

Who we kidding? If Steve Wynn called me up and said Robert, it's Steve, I know you're at home but early position just raised to 35 and I'm looking at 3 callers, do you want 8,9 suited? I'd say "Who is this person pretending to be Steve Wynn and why do you keep calling my phone? " But you know a large part of me also wants to go down there and see a flop. I've got a sweet spot for 8,9 suited. What can I say?

And obviously I'm getting older, because I only called with it here. Back when I was younger I would have raised with the 8,9 suited. No question about it.

The flop came out King, king, queen. Not necessarily an ideal flop against 4 players. Then again any time the board pairs things get fun. I check. The preflop raiser, a lady with around 2 grand in front of her leads out for $50 into the $175 that sits between us. Everyone folds to me.

I give serious thought to raising here. I believe she has a big hand, but if that big hand is not ace king, or pocket queens, then she has to be nervous. I think a raise is in order. She can't call me without a king. I start playing with my chips.

Then another voice kicks in. The voice reminds me that ace, king is clearly within her range of starting hands. The voice mentions that I've only bought in for $500, so my raising here to say $150 would be committing 30% of my stack on a bluff on the first hand of the night against a player I have no read on. On an evening where I really wanted to let the game just come to me.

I go back and forth. She has the best hand. Will she fold to a raise? I called with 8,9 suited hoping to flop a miracle. Not trying to outplay an unknown opponent. I muck. And my opponent shows pocket aces.

Wow. I could have stolen it with a raise. Maybe. Probably. Who knows? It's the Rio in July. Anything is possible.

Is she one of those players who says "I can't lay this down" and calls? She has all those chips in front of her. She's doing something right.

The saddest part is this hand was the highlight of my night.

According to my publicist the spin is that we're all proud that I thought about raising. That I almost made the right move. Oh sure I lacked the courage to follow up on it. But my thinking about it means that I'm almost becoming an actual real poker player.

Give me another 10-15 years of living in Vegas and I'll have this whole "playing cards for a living" thing down. I swear to you. That's all the time I need.

Wow I can't believe I just wrote that last paragraph. I sure hope my wife doesn't read this blog. Now that would be really awkward.

So where were we? Oh yeah. The hand I could have maybe won. If I had raised. But I didn't.

I even managed to get sucked out on in a hand that I wasn't involved in. That's how powerful I am. I fold ace 10 off in early position behind an under the gun raiser and then watch an ace flop. I perk up to follow the rest of the hand. I have to know if I would have had the best hand. So that I can know whether or not to feel bad about myself.

As the hand goes on we will learn that the dude who raised in early position, in front of me, did so with ace 9 and got me to fold ace 10! How dare he! Who said to fold ace 10 off? That hand is gold!

We will also learn that the same lady who is up two grand and just won with the pocket aces has called this ace 9 guy with her queen 2. She flops middle pair on the ace, queen rag board. A blank comes on the turn. They both check.

A 2 comes on the river and the ace guy bets and she doesn't raise, she politely calls and her two pair takes down the pot. It was awesome. I would have lost with my ace 10 to her queen 2. And I would have gone completely and utterly on tilt. Absolutely positively.

Who knows what kind of bender I'd have gone on? The whole thing would have ended up with me doing public service announcements regarding safety and starting hands in poker.

Something like:

I always hear people saying ace 10 is fun and how much they love ace 10. Well certain hands aren't fun. Certain hands break up families. Certain hands are gateway drugs to trouble. Ace 10 is one of those hands. Certain hands lead you down the wrong path. That's why you fold ace 10 preflop.

Groundhog Day 1d

2008-07-07T01:14:00.000-07:00

I was eliminated on day 1d of the 2007 WSOP Main Event when I slowplayed pocket queens and a gentleman with pocket 9's flopped a set.

What I want to type is "and I let a gentleman with pocket 9's flop a set." The implication being that when I didn't raise preflop, I allowed him to make his hand.

I probably lose a decent amount of chips on a 9 high board with queens no matter how I play it but part of me thinks I could have prevented the 9 from flopping if I raised preflop. You understand correctly. I am saying that if I raised then the 9 does not come out.

Why? Because the universe rewards me for playing correctly. And the 9 that flopped was punishment for my slow playing.

Makes perfect sense. The universe hates people who slow play. Everyone knows that.

It's way more honorable to raise and lose.

So what happens Sunday night?

In the very same room?

On day 1d of the 2008 Main Event?

I slow play pocket queens in a 2.5 cash game and lose a big pot when my opponent hits a set of 9's.

Have I learned absolutely nothing at all?

Is The Vegas Year stuck on loop?

For me to sit down in that very same room where so much good and so much bad has happened, and replay the same hand that knocked me out one year ago, bordered somewhere between cruelty and hilarity. I'm sure it was funny, just not for me. No for me it was awful. I was not happy.

It also revealed a huge hole in my game. Slow playing queens in early position. With aces I would have repopped it. With queens I hid in the dark and ran into his set.

It may have been my destiny to play these hands this way. Everyone knows that Nostradamas said something about "beware of the queens on day 1d." I always thought it was a metaphor for war or something. Little did I know that by "queens" Nostradamas meant "pocket queens" and when he says "day 1d" he's talking about "day 1d of the Main Event." It seems so obvious now that Nostradamas was talking about the World Series of Poker. My bad for not noticing this sooner.

What are my thoughts on doing it again on day 1d in 2009?

I know. I don't want to jinx it either. It's like talking about a no hitter, but if somehow I can Threepeat (TM Pat Riley?) and pick up pocket queens and run into a set of 9's on day 1d then I'm planning on starting a cult. There will be a bus waiting in the parking lot at the Rio.

I was just browsing through some compounds on Craigslist and there's plenty of reasonable stuff all over Texas. We can gather up our weapons. It doesn't have to be Texas. I'm open to suggestions as to where we live in this great country. The bus can go anywhere we want it to. I'm not one of those cult leaders who has to boss everyone around to feel good about himself. At least I won't be until the space ship comes down.

So yeah. If I wanted to grow as a poker player I might try to learn something from these hands. If I wanted to get better I might analyze what exactly happened. But I see no point in wasting my precious time experiencing with the idea of self growth when deflecting the blame towards others is so much easier. It's the American way.

With this in mind:

I'd like to blame the Universe for the humiliation and shame I felt as I was walking down the hallway and out of the Rio.

I'd like to blame the Harrahs corporation for their negligence in this matter. Specifically the Rio for not using a random number generator in their poker room. You guys are making millions of dollars hosting this event. Rent one if you have to! If the American Public* starts seeing this specific queens vs 9's hand too often on the ESPN television, it could be a huge setback for poker.

*American Public = The people that Phil Hellmuth refers to.

(This is a modern day footnote. You put it right under the paragraph because in a paperless world you never know how far you're gonna have to scroll to get to the bottom of the page.)

(Not to mention everyone's short attention span.)

(So I hereby declare that starting right now all footnotes are to be moved to directly below the reference. It'll make for easier reading. See? I got some good ideas. My talents would be wasted running a cult. I need to go into English. Or grammar. Or whatever field it is that covers footnotes. I'm sure there's a word for it. But I can't do everything for you guys.)

Can you imagine if we come back to the Rio in November for the WSOP Main Event final table and all 9 of the bust out hands are queens vs 9's flopping a set?

If you were sitting at that table, at what point do you start laying down your queens preflop? After 3 guys have gone out with them? 4? Seriously.

What do you do if the other player shows you a 9 preflop? And you look down at queens? What then? What does Sklansky say to do in this spot?

Imagine if the first 7 players have gone out with the queens. You're heads up for the bracelet, the 9 million dollars, and you look down at queens.

Can you really push here? Or is it an automatic fold?

All I know is you do not call with them.

So the bad news is I donked off my stack with an overpair to a set. I was that guy.

The good news is at least an ace didn't come out on the flop!

I have to acknowledge this right? I've been saying how an ace always flops when I have queens. So I will admit it was a big thrill for me not to see an ace this time.

In fact those few moments, from the time the dealer revealed the 9 high flop, up to the point when my opponent turned over his pocket 9's, that memory, those 25 to 30 seconds were some real good times indeed.

Extremists

2008-07-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get stuck check calling against extremely aggressive opponents. Raising scares them away so I'll let them bet my made hands for me. Of course the detriment to this style of play is when one of these guys sucks out on me. Then I get to internally steam that I let them hang around. But that's the risk involved in trying to maximize profit, since most times your opponent won't be drawing dead.

In my most recent session I defended with 9,10 suited from my big blind against the raise of an extremist. A third player called as well. I hadn't bet or raised many hands, so I didn't raise when the extremist led out with a bet on a 4,9,9 flop. The third opponent called behind me as well.

6 comes on the turn. Extremist bets again. I call.

Guy behind me pushes all in!

Extremist calls!

Damn.

I have the extremist covered. I mostly have to decide if I have a better hand than the gentleman who pushed behind me. He has me covered. The board has two to a flush so (it's not likely but) part of me hopes he's chasing that. The reality is I'm scared of facing trips with a better kicker. Yet he's also the kind of guy who limps into every pot, so he could turn over any two cards here.

I call.

The good news?

He's got 7,9!

My 10 kicker plays at showdown and I win the side pot!

The bad news?

Turns out the extremist had pocket 6's and hit the third 6 on the turn. He wins the main pot. If I raise on the flop he folds but I made the decision not to raise there because I wanted him to keep firing bullets. I wanted to keep him in the hand. The fact that he hit a two outer doesn't change that.

"Long term Robert" understands the risk involved in slow playing.

"Short term Robert" wants to fire his head coach.

Big Fish Eats The Little One

2008-07-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

“If you’re losing you probably don’t bet your hands as well as your opponents”
-Barry Greenstein

Every once in awhile I come across a special player. A poker artist. A person who has a deeper understanding of the game than the rest of us. A player who bets his hands better than everyone else.

It's kind of like how I feel when I'm playing HORSE with a bunch of 1st graders who are just learning to play poker and read and write. I run over that game. They don't know what hit them. Heck they're not even sure what beats what.

I mean I'd probably run over that game. If it existed. I don't actually know if 1st graders play poker. In Nevada it might be legal to play poker with 1st graders as long as you do it outside of the Las Vegas area. I can't call this a fact. But the way the laws work here it sure seems possible.

The only catch is you need have a gun with you in order to play poker with 1st graders. I'm not positive why this is part of the law but the gun might be necessary in case the 1st graders try to cheat or rob you.

This could be true. It's well known that children can be mean to each other. And the word on the street is they apparently don't know what beats what at poker. So how in the world do you expect them to push the pot to the right player?

What was your question again?

So yeah that's what happens at poker. The big fish eats the little one. Then a bigger fish comes along and check raises the big fish.

This past weekend I sat with a great poker player. A young kid who played super aggressive. Raised too much preflop. No one approved.

At first glance he appeared completely out of control. Every second or third hand he'd raise it up 6x the big blind. Then he'd fire bullets on every street until everyone folded. Then he'd show his bluff and we'd move on to the next hand.

No one wanted to play back at him without a made hand so he controlled the table.

And somehow someway the couple of times that he gets all in, he's got the nuts. Of course he does. That's why he's so good.

He was awesome at bet sizing. Putting players into tough spots with some hard decisions. Forcing them to commit their stack, without he committing his.

And he showed so many bluffs I stopped looking down at the table. I didn't want to see his cards anymore. I wanted to be able to pretend that once in awhile he had ace king. Even if he didn't.

His actions convinced me it would be reasonable to call him down with ace high on the river because usually it was the best hand. It wasn't, of course, the one time I tried it. No that time he had the goods. Good for him for earning that river call from me. Credit absolutely goes to all of his advertising on prior hands. He couldn't possibly have had a lower credit rating at our table. The guy showed 5 high, multiple times. As you can see I was a huge fan.

The common strategy against a player like this is usually to tighten up and wait for big hands to play big pots against him. However I went the other way with it and played many hands against him when I was in position. There seemed to be lots of impending (dare I say implied) value knowing that he was gonna fire out a pot sized bet no matter what came on the flop.

This passive strategy worked for me a couple of times. I called him from late position and then let him bet the hands for me post flop.

Quite often players who play this loose aggressive style end up giving their chips away but this guy was the real deal. He had a real strong ability for sensing when to shut down and when to turn on the pressure.

It was tough to win his chips but he was a pleasure to play with and learn from.

Not Here

2008-06-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

I raise in late position at the Venetian. The small blind was about to complete the blind but my raise apparently changes things for him. He stares at my bet, considers the additional cost(s) involved to remain in this hand, and chooses to fold. As he's throwing his cards into the muck he looks at me and says "Thank you. You saved me a dollar."

"You're welcome" I reply.

"Now I can go and buy a hot dog" he says.

"Not here" says the dealer.

I'm looking forward to telling this story over and over again by the pool when my wife and I complete our destiny and make our way to Florida for "The Boca Raton Year" TM.

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas (Part III)

2008-06-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

Who can forget the time the Venetian poker room forced me to show my hole cards to take down a pot even though everyone else at the table had folded? My left brain still regrets (and my right brain still resents) that I followed their ruling. I was the last man standing. Who were they going to award the pot to if I had refused to turn over my hand? The guy who folded and didn't show before me?

Well the comedy writers who script my poker sessions at the Venetian must be running out of ideas. Because I was back in their poker room this week and had another glorious experience where my cards were shown to the table in a spot where I thought I had the right to muck.

My opponent and I were all in on the flop but neither of us revealed our hands. My opponent then hits the runner runner boat on the turn and river and shows down his cards joyfully. I can't beat him, so I throw my cards into the muck. Sounds normal right? The hand is over and the dealer pushes him the pot. This sequence happens all the time in poker.

However at this point something strange happens. My opponent asks the dealer what I had and without any hesitation whatsoever, the dealer reaches into the muck turns over my cards and shows them to the table.

This really happened.

What right does this guy have to see my hand? What right does the dealer have to show it? This isn't a tournament. This isn't a hand history on the internet. This is a live cash poker game. Since when can a dealer go reaching into the muck and turn over dead hands?

If the Venetian is going to make us show our cards at showdown, then why not do it on the flop when we initially got all in? (Like in a tournament.) It's silly to make me show at the end after I've given up on the hand. By mucking I'm giving up my right to win the pot but in exchange I'm gaining the right to privacy. That's how it works in poker. That's how it had worked in every single live cash hand I've played over the past 18 months. Except at the Venetian.

Lets even pretend for a moment that at showdown he's gonna slow roll me. So lets say he's still hits the full house but asks me to show my cards first. Now imagine if I do the thing where I just muck and concede the pot. In this circumstance no one would dare turn over my mucked cards. It would be accepted that I had given up on the pot. He'd be the winner. I'd be the loser.
Just because he showed his cards first, doesn't mean he's suddenly earned the right to see my cards.

In fact the only concern (specific to the Venetian) is over whether the winner has to show. I believe the answer should still be a resounding "no" but as per my previous Venetian post, this is exactly the kind of situation where the Venetian made me show. The only reason I could see for demanding to see cards here would be if I was concerned regarding collusion. But since the guy asking to see my cards is the same guy I lost the pot to, I don't think collusion applies here.)

Now I can admit that my anger here was mostly tilt from having just lost the big pot but I definitely felt violated. The winning player asking to see my cards disturbed me, but the dealer immediately turning them over disturbed me even more.

Can this really be the way poker is played at the Venetian?

It makes me wanna go sign up for some 2/5 with Andy Kaufman this weekend and ask to see my opponent's mucked cards every single time someone folds at showdown. It's gonna be awesome. Hope you get stuck at my table.

Meanwhile the way life works, as I was walking out of the casino I noticed the woman pictured below. She must have been really sickened by what had happened to me.

Why else would she be puking into this garbage by the escalators?

She must be a poker purist! She knows they'd never pull my cards out of the muck after I've lost a hand at the Bellagio so that a guy who has won the same pot could see them.

In fact this woman's dedication to the way the game should be played makes me think she'd make a good poker wife for some of you single poker guys out there who are reading this.

If only there was a way to get in touch with her.

Maybe a Craigslist personal ad?

YOU: puking into the garbage the other night at the Venetian.

ME: Watching you puke and in awe of how much you respect the game.

Savvy readers might also notice that I stood far enough back to give her some space. That's because I have manners.

- I don't ask to see other players cards in the muck.

- And I stand at least 15 feet back when people are puking into garbage cans.

I think we call these qualities being raised right.

Vegas Fact #14

2008-06-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

I saw Eric Seidel and John Juanda walking out of the George Michael concert Saturday night at the MGM Grand.

Damn.

Those guys must really love their wives.

Two Hours of Poker From June 2008.

2008-06-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

1:12 AM. I pick up pocket 10's and raise preflop. My opponent calls in position. Flop comes ace king queen. According to sources who were there, I didn't even bother making the continuation bet. Instead I apparently used double reverse psychology and held my cards out over the muck. My opponent bet and I let them go. I wasn't bluffing. No string fold from me. That's because when I hold my cards out over the muck, I'm usually gonna drop them.

Oh sure every once in awhile I make this same move when I flop a set. You know. Just so it doesn't become a tell. The last thing I need is for word to get out all over the poker community that whenever Robert holds his cards out over the muck it means he's going to fold. That would make playing against me too easy.

For those of you keeping score at home my opponent showed king queen.

1:18 AM. I call preflop with 5's but fold to a bet and a call on an ace high flop. The third 5 comes on the turn. How come anytime my cards are mucked, and then I see I would have hit a bigger hand, all sorts of betting fireworks ensue? How does this happen every time?

To quote Mr. Seinfeld, "Why is that?"

Like if I fold 4,7 and the flop comes out 7,7,7 there will be a raise and reraise before I can even open up Outlook to find the time to feel bad for myself.

Oh I still will. I'll schedule a meeting to punish myself for folding there. And then as soon as I get the reminder for my meeting, the turn and river will go runner runner 8's and some guy shows down pocket 8's at the end for bigger quads.

And then my superego will go out and rent a megaphone, just so he can walk around the house for the next 4 weeks screaming:

"See? That's why you fold 4,7 preflop!"

Truth be told my superego is wasting his time. My Id has already forgotten about this quads hand 30 seconds later when I pick up suited connectors. For him life is good again. My Id doesn't need chips to have a party. Oh sure he might need some dip, but he certainly doesn't need chips.

1:39 AM. I bump it up with pocket queens and get two callers. No one cares that I haven't raised a hand in 27 minutes. I ask for the floor to see if I can get insurance on one or more aces flopping but they don't want to take my action.

So what happens? Flop comes ace, ace, 6. Too bad for me. You know back when I was playing at Binions in the 1950's, Benny absolutely would have taken my bet on whether or not an ace flopped. And if Benny wasn't around I'm sure Johnny Moss or Nick The Greek would have laid me odds. But not these days. Not with these corporations posing as casinos.

Meanwhile I hope this whole "anytime I have queens there will be an ace on the flop" thing doesn't come off as me whining. If anything I'm bragging. I'm just like the kid in the Sixth Sense except instead of seeing dead people, I make aces flop when I hold queens in cash games. It's my magic trick. I might even go on tour with it if my Red Ant speaking gigs start to dry up.

So me and my queens check the flop. We're out of position. It's also what I'd do if I had ace king here. And both players are hip to my thinking because they check behind me. They've missed as well. After the dealer delivers the turn I bet $25 and they both fold. But this isn't me making any kind of move on them. I have the best hand. These guys aren't folding an ace here.

1:51 AM. Folded around to me on the button. I look down at ace rag. I don't love this spot. I'd prefer something like jack,9 here. That's how I roll. But what are my options? No one has entered the hand so I can't fold my button with an ace. I can't limp either. It's an obvious raise. And even though it'll look like a position raise, I think I probably have the best hand. I raise 5x the blind and they both call.

Flop comes out ace high. Small blind bets, big blind raises. I fold. They get all in. One guy has ace jack. The other a set. They both had me beat. Preflop too.

My inner child wants to throw a tantrum and say something like if I can't win when I raise and flop top pair then what hands am I supposed to win with?

As if I'm supposed to win! That's a good one.

1:58 AM. Three inexperienced players sit down. I'm in a pot with two of them and flop top pair top kicker. Before I can bet, one of these guys has the nerve to lead out from the blinds for 25. Other guy calls. I have position and want to raise but I decide to proceed with caution and just call. I want to see what happens on the turn. The board pairs the middle card and the blind fires another 25. His friend raises it to 50. I was scared before but now I'm terrified. So I lay down my top pair top kicker because one of them has to have trips.

Right?

The guy in the blinds goes all in. Other guy folds and shows top pair! Heck of a play by him raising to 50. Got me to fold. The guy in the blinds helps to maintain my sanity by showing me his trips. Thank you sir. I knew there was a reason for me to fold here.

Reviewing the hand- if I could have gotten him to fold on the flop when I had the best hand then I could have won the pot. But if he calls my flop raise then I'd just have lost more money.

If I raised to $75 or $100 would they both have folded? Or would they both have called? I'm not so sure I can trust these guys to fold. Which is why I'm playing with them in the first place.

2:01 AM. I limp with ace suited under the gun. Flop is beautiful. Ace high with two of my suit. Nice. I got the whole top pair thing going so I'm present, legitimate and in the moment. But people are also saying I've got the nut flush draw so clearly I've got a future and a 401K plan. I think we call this the best of both worlds. It almost feels like Omaha.

The adrenaline kicks in. The high that comes from knowing your chips are about to go into the middle. Going all in on the river and winning this hand would get me even. I took a break and stretched my legs. The past 4 hours of frustration were suddenly erased.

2:13 AM. Back at the table I go on a rush. Win with queen jack and king rag on consecutive hands from the blinds. Yes. On some nights, my winning two pots in a row can be considered a rush.

2:15 AM. Our table breaks. Unfortunately.

2:49 AM. 30 minutes at a new table and I've played pretty tight thus far. What can I say? I'm appreciating having chips again. On this hand I flop a clubs draw on an ace, king, jack board. My opponent bets small. The kind of bet that looks scared. I call. Turn is a second ace. He bets again. Still small.

Now despite my chasing a flush, I'm not terrified of the board having paired because I don't think he has ace king or ace jack. If he has an ace then it looks like he's scared of his kicker. I call again.

The river is the lovely and talented 3 of clubs. I hit my flush. He acts first and pauses before he bets. I watch him think. He eventually puts 5 chips out there. Only 25 bucks. Huh. This is somehow completely different than his two previous bets. Those felt weak. This feels like a value bet.

I could swear he's acting like he has the best hand. I'm suddenly nervous. Could he really have hit a bigger flush? Maybe my read was way off thinking he had an ace. Maybe his small bets on the flop and turn were semi-bluffs? He sure looks like he wants the call. My raising him is now out of the question, but of course so is folding. So I do what I have to do and call his value bet. And he turns over...

Ace 3 for the boat.

3:01 AM. Guy raises preflop in early position and announces he's has pocket kings. I call from the button with ace king and no longer trust his words after he checks a rag flop. He bets the turn and I call. Then comes his Oscar moment. After an ace comes out on the river, he grimaces and then bets. I call. We chop. Yes he had ace king too.

Damn it Robert. I told you to bet the flop!

But you don't listen.

3:04 AM. Highly entertaining hand. A good example of the kind of play you see in Vegas during the WSOP. Solid player raises from the button and gets 2 callers. Solid player bets 20 on ace high flop and both players call.

This causes the solid player to make faces. If this guy's face could talk it might say something like "I don't understand what the two of you could possibly be calling me with here because I have ace king!"

The two callers check the turn and the solid player makes another confused face and then checks behind them. I guess he assumes that someone must have two pair. The river comes and puts 3 spades out there.

One of the callers bets out 100 from the blinds. The second caller calls! Solid player freaks out. Can't figure out what to do here with his ace king. He's still got top pair top kicker but like I said, there are 3 spades out there.

Solid player asks out loud "You both got spades?"

After a few moments of silence the solid player folds.

But shows us all his ace king because he's a solid player.

Player who bet the $100 on the river shows ace 3. He has a pair of aces, 3 kicker.

Second player who called the $100 shows ace king and takes down the pot.

It's not always like this in the Vegas poker rooms.

But sometimes during the month of June it is.

3:14 AM. Under the gun I look down at the ace of spades. I decide that I don't need to see the second card. It'll only discourage me. I limp in. If it gets raised I can look and see what I've got.

It doesn't get raised behind me and the flop is king, 9, 2 with two of a suit. I check and an active player bets 10. Second guy who may be on tilt calls. I look down at my other card and see it's a king. I call too. I'd raise against some players but against these guys I don't wanna lose my customers. I want them to fire again on the turn. Then I can raise.

Turn comes. It's a harmless rag in that it doesn't pair the board but it does set up double flush draws. So the future might be dangerous but for the moment I'm still alright. The same active player bets, this time $20. Second player pushes all in for less than $100. I think I'm ahead of him so I reraise all in behind him. It's the first player in the hand who I'm slightly concerned about. Since we all limped in preflop he could have king,9.

He doesn't insta-call. That's good news.

He asks for a count of my chips. That's bad news.

He makes the call. Uh oh. I could be in some trouble.

Dealer turns over an unmemorable river and no one wants to show their cards. So I do. Lets win or go home. Here's my ace king.

Active guy to my left looks disgusted and shakes his head. Then shows us his king jack.

Second player shows king jack as well. Wow. I somehow win the pot.

I didn't outplay anyone. All I did was sit at a table and play with people who have even lower standards than I do for putting in their chips. That's what it often comes down to. Playing with people who make poorer decisions than you do.

My play was real borderline here, shoving with top pair top kicker against two opponents. That's how people lose their stacks each and every day. On this hand, against these players, it worked. I guess times are hard you get people calling all ins with top pair, jack kicker.

If that's not proof of a recession I don't know what is.

If It Ain't Good Enough To Raise With....

2008-06-17T14:11:00.000-07:00

I played an entire session yesterday without calling a single bet. I forced myself to either raise or fold every time it was my turn to act.

Wow that was difficult.

An additional problem arose when one of my opponents figured out what I was doing, adjusted his game and started raising me back. This turned into a whole 'nother game within a game for the two of us.

But for most everyone else at the table my raise or fold persona worked. I was often playing their cards much more than my own. Especially since I couldn't do any of my "Hey I got a piece of the flop let me call a couple of small bets routine." I had to make a decision one way or the other.

I played fewer hands than I normally would from the blinds. I just didn't feel as comfortable raising from there.

Damn it was powerful to raise with medium or bottom pair and watch opponents fold top pair lousy kicker.

It also seemed worthy to raise, get reraised, and throw my hand into the muck. Rather than call and find out the same truth a street or two later.

In the long run I obviously need to call sometimes when playing poker. When I picked up queen 10 suited on the button yesterday I really just wanted to see the flop. However I raised and my opponent quickly moved all in and I had to muck. This would have been a great time for me to disregard this strategy and see the flop. But I was committed to raising or folding, so I raised.

The way I also dealt with not being able to call was for me to vary my raise sizes. Sometimes the small raise was me buying another card in a spot where I'd normally call. Other times I was hiding a big hand and mixing it up.

Overall, quite the fun experience.

Just Like It's Not Supposed To Happen.

2008-06-16T02:31:00.000-07:00

I played a little too much poker this past week and at some point I finally cracked. I went over to the neighborhood where tilt resides. You don't want to park there. People will steal your car. Your esteem. Your soul.

What got me so upset and messed up my psyche?

Expectations.

I was silly enough to expect my big hands to win. I thought that perhaps the long term math might want to hook me up in the short term. Didn't happen.

The most startling observation was my picking up pocket queens 6 times and incredibly, almost unbelievably, all 6 times an ace flopped. I want to go to the Hilton sports book and place a prop bet on what the flop will look like the next time I pick up queens.

To add to my paranoia I could not connect anytime I had ace king.

Poker gets real hard when I can't win either side of the race.

The most insulting moment?

That would be watching pocket kings go down to a miserable older gentleman who was abusive towards the dealers and waitresses. Boy did I want to take his chips. The money would have been nice but it would have been even more satisfying to get him to leave the table.

At least there was some irony in that he called my push on the flop with ace jack off and he himself was a jack off. I appreciated the symmetry of this coincidence despite having to sit there and watch an ace come out on the turn.

Using "The Power of Negative Thinking" TM I was able to crack my own pocket aces twice. The first time my opponent flopped a set. This happens. The second occurrence however was much more impressive as a small stack called and beat me with king 8 off. I wish he hadn't turned over his cards preflop because as soon as I saw the king 8, I knew I was in trouble.

Oh sure I won some pots. That's because sometimes I too had the worse starting hand. This type of hand I can win. Twice this week I won big pots with my ace queen versus some suckers ace king. Finally got my money in good. And by good I mean bad. The new good.

It's such a cruel game.

We live in a cruel world.

Maybe that's why poker is so popular on this planet.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

2008-06-15T01:37:00.000-07:00

Midway through a tournament.

I fold in middle position and the guy to my left raises the big blind. The big blind also happens to be a big stack and raises him back. My neighbor folds and the big stack warns him not to try and steal his blinds again.

Well there goes the neighborhood.

My neighbor looks insulted and says he had a real hand. A pocket pair. He then explains to the big stack, and anyone else who will listen, that he didn't want to commit half of his chips to a race. I believe him. Now if only I could get him to cut his lawn once in awhile.

But why does he need to convince us all that he had a real hand?

I think my neighbor is protecting his ego. He doesn't want to be perceived as the kind of person who steals blinds, even though this image might actually get him paid off on big hands. For some reason this guy wants us to know that he only commits his chips when he really has it.

From then on out, anytime it was folded around to us in the blinds, I would raise. My cards did not matter. All that mattered was that he didn't wake up with a monster.

One time he folded and showed me ace 9.

Another time he folded and showed pocket 3's.

His image was gold. He raised my big blind from under the gun and I folded ace queen. Instantly. I'm not kidding when I say pocket kings would be a tough call against this guy.

If Mr. Rogers was alive and playing poker, he and I would be fighting over who gets to be this guy's neighbor.

A Limit Poker Confession

2008-06-12T02:09:00.000-07:00

When they reraise me on the flop with bottom pair.

And then hit trips on the turn.

Sometimes it feels personal.

It's Good To Be The Razor

2008-06-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

Two solid nights for me on that series of tubes we call the internet.

Monday night I won a Pot Limit Omaha 8/B rebuy tournament. My opponents did not understand tournament strategy and allowed me to steal way too often. They were the kinds of players who'd only call a big bet if they held the nuts. I picked up so many pots that when they'd eventually take a stand, it was kind of like they were gambling against me with their own chips.

Tuesday night I entered the same Omaha tournament to see if I could win back to back. And as if Omaha wasn't going to be enough action, I also entered a hold em tourney taking place at the same time.

In Monday night's Omaha event I never rebought but Tuesday night I bought in for a Negreanu-like 10 times! This includes my first buy in and a double add on at the first break. That's 7 rebuys if you're counting at home. I had to come in 4th place just to make back my initial investment.

I was the chip leader going into the final table and playing like a complete and utter maniac. The kind of style that can win tournaments but also might make you go broke real fast at a cash game.

As fate would have it, I got into trouble with 4 players remaining and went out when a player shooting for the low, backed into a runner runner high. This finish got me my money back. And not much more.

I was so focused on winning the Omaha tournament that I hardly noticed the no limit window up near the top right corner of my monitor. And truth be told, once I was eliminated from Omaha I just wanted to go to bed. So I pretended I was Phil Ivey and raised 3 to 4 hands every orbit. I'd continue bet every flop, not minding at all if someone played back at me. Usually I'd reraise them. With sleep so close I was more than happy to race.

So of course what happens? The players kept folding to my raises. And the couple of times I hit something big, they chose to play back at me. Ahhh fate. You can sure be funny sometimes.

I was also playing some ridiculous starting hands which I think scared them more. After one particularly embarrassing (losing) hand I almost typed in the chat box "I am trying to lose my chips" but this seemed like too good of an experiment for me to "out" myself. For I knew it was good practice for me to keep playing like this.

The universe seems to reward players who play this style. Loose aggressive gets you paid off on your good hands. You just need to get lucky every once in awhile when you're behind. Which is most of the time. But it's also not that hard to play against players who fold 90% of the time. I can respect a raise from that kind of player. I know how much nerve it's taking him to finally take some action and make a stand.

And of course the key to my success was my not fearing getting knocked out. It would be hard to play this crazy if the money mattered. But down here I'm real comfortable being the table bully. Anytime I thought I could get another player to fold if I bet, I would bet. And when it didn't work, the free advertising that came with showing my cards was worth every chip.

My opponents knew I was giving them chances to double up. But I can be scary to play against if your goal is to make the money. Which is how most of them played. If you are trying to win the tournament, like I am, then you want me at your table. If you are trying to cash, I'm a nightmare.

Once this snowball got rolling down hill, my stack got out of control and no one wanted a piece of me. When I had 70k and the next closest player had only 20k. Three years ago I'd have played too loose weak and lost the stack. Two years ago I'd have played too tight aggressive and let the field catch up. Last night I was able to remain a chip leader for the entire tournament. (I can't say for sure I was always in the lead but I was certainly never in any trouble. As Hellmuth likes to say "I was never all-in.")

It was one of my better tournament experiences. I've won more money but to have a wire to wire experience like this was incredibly empowering.

Playing lots of Omaha was also helpful for my hold em game. There's such faith in Omaha. I love that in Omaha you can be behind (as in not have a made hand) yet often be the favorite to win a particular hand due to having so many draws with outs. I was able to take some of that gamble over to hold em and play my hands strongly even when they weren't made yet.

For me, this kind of confidence at poker comes and goes.

This week it's here.

Pot Odds Getting Better

2008-06-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

I saw super unleaded this week for $4.31 a gallon. Regular unleaded was $4.11.

Gas prices keep rising but the 20 cent vig remains the same.

Three Card Suckout King

2008-06-08T12:54:00.000-07:00

I played poker this weekend with a guy who wouldn't bet enough to protect his hand when he was ahead, and wasn't afraid to call off his entire stack when he was behind. It was the best of both worlds.

He talked to the table like he was teaching us all how to play the game for the first time. He understood ABC poker but not too much strategy or thinking beyond that. He was an ideal opponent.

People often ask me about poker tells. Well this guy was a living and breathing poker tell. The more he told me about poker, the more he was telling me what I needed to know, if you can TELL what I'm saying.

His ego needed him to be the table expert. The grand master. He lives in a world where ace king always beats queen jack no matter what comes on the flop. I sat and listened to his teachings and waited patiently to out flop him. Eventually. Letting one long game be one long game.

That's when we'd get our chips in. I just had to be able to beat top pair. Then I'd bet. He'd raise. I'd push and he'd call because he has top pair.

This is a benefit to raising and playing too many hands. I can get a guy like this to call me down with top pair because he's seen me showdown some pretty bad hands.

Destiny finally occurred on an ace,2,5 flop. I had top two with my ace 5 suited. The money went into the middle and when we turned over our cards I expected him to have ace queen. Maybe Ace Ten. But ace jack? I did not expect that. Shows you what I know.

He sees my ace 5 and utters "nice call preflop" in that sarcastic tone that makes The Vegas Year all worth it. If I wanted to reciprocate I'd mention how his mini raises were backfiring on him. But why would I do that?

The dealer is taking his time and not revealing the turn and river. This gives this guy a little more time to berate me. Two things are possible:

1-He's really embarrassed by his call and taking it out on me

or (and even better)

2- He actually thinks I made an error seeing the cheap flop here.

This seems to be tale he's desperately trying to sell the universe. To whatever cosmic jury it is that decides our fate. His whining is a last ditch effort to convince the random number generator we call reality, that he deserves to win this hand, since he was ahead, preflop.

At least that's what I'm hearing.

The dealer turns over the turn and he misses. I'm still ahead and not buying his argument at all. From where I sit I'm the huge favorite. I was a huge favorite when we got the chips in. But my opponent thinks otherwise. He turns me into Marcia Clark. He's Johnny Cochran. And the glove doesn't fit.

The jury foreman, or "dealer" as I like to call him, delivers a jack on the river. I lose to a bigger two pair. Some might say ouch but I can't properly wallow in self pity because he's still yapping.

This is a pet peeve of mine. You can't win the pot AND complain afterwards. If you lose the pot I'll listen to you all night long. It's the cost of doing business. But people who win pots and still need to complain? I've got some issues with these folks.

But of course I don't argue with the guy. I don't mention percentages or how either of us played the hand. In fact I only spoke to him once. At some point during his monologue I looked over at him and asked "Are you trying to get me to play tighter?"

To which he responds "You couldn't play tighter if you tried."

The irony is not lost on me here. I'm actually playing very tight. Post flop. But he can't see that part. All he remembers is my starting hands. Not what the board looks like at the point when the bets occur.

So I sit back, relax and wait for the next opportunity to do it again. Find myself another 4 to 1 spot to get my chips in good and see what happens.

It came around 30 minutes later. I raised preflop with ace 10 suited and the same guy calls me with ace jack. Flop is ace 10 rag. Of course it is.

I bet my two pair. He raises. I push. He calls. With his ace jack again.

History repeats itself.

We turn over our cards. He sees my hand and that's when he says it to me.

"You are the Three Card Suckout King."

As if we put all the money in the middle and THEN I hit my card.

Hey I don't want to brag but look at me piling up the nicknames. Most parts of the World already know me as the Red Ants in Nevada House guy. My expertise in that field has been well documented. In fact I've had much less time to write this blog with my busy schedule touring around the country giving lectures on that topic.

Now that this whole "Three Card Suckout King" image is taking off maybe I can get back to focusing on poker. Order some business cards. Maybe get my people to look into buying WWW.THREECARDSUCKOUTKING.COM.

So I'm 84% to win this hand when the money goes in on the flop. A queen comes off on the turn. Not the best card pour moi but I'm still 77% to win. And then a king comes on the river. I think we call that the Lizard King. The Three Card Suckout King has been out-sucked. Or re-sucked.

All I know is it definitely involves the word suck.

So this guy overplayed his ace jack twice. Which was exactly what I wanted. He called off his entire stack with ace jack and won as a huge underdog.

Twice.

I picture this gentleman going upstairs to his hotel room and thinking how he outplayed me. Thinking that I got what I deserved for playing such bad starting hands. Then I picture him watching Dane Cook and laughing hysterically for hours.

Super Unleaded For All My Friends!

2008-06-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know too much about cars. Oh sure I like to use the word viscosity as much as the next guy. I know there are rumors I spend all day coming up with new rhymes for the word. And while this may or may not be true, this sure seems like a good time to come clean and admit that I have no idea what viscosity actually means. Yet my auto-ignorance hasn't stopped me me from auto-experimentation.

There was a point in time when I tried putting super unleaded gasoline into my car. I will absolutely testify under oath, with the same viscosity (and trustworthiness) of a Vegas Fact, that my car positively went further with a tank full of super unleaded. I did get more miles per gallon. More miles per tank. This was back in the day when gas cost $1.20 a gallon. Yes super unleaded was more expensive. But it definitely did something super.

Back then if super unleaded cost $1.20, regular unleaded cost around $1 per gallon. So it was rather easy to compute that super unleaded cost 20% more per gallon. One could then run the numbers to see if using super unleaded actually delivered 20% more miles per tank. You know. Check the EV to see if this extra mileage was worth the extra cost.

Cut to yesterday: I'm standing at a gas pump coming back from a road trip. Staring up at the numbers I had a mild epiphany.

The difference between paying $4 or $4.20 per gallon is not nearly the same as the difference between paying $1 or $1.20 a gallon. On 4 bucks, paying an extra 20 cents per gallon is only a 5% increase. Not 20%. Thus at these prices, it's not that much more expensive to use super unleaded. Math isn't telling me to put regular unleaded into my car. Habit is.

It might be time to switch to super unleaded. Something inside my brain thinks gas prices should rise proportionally. If super cost 20% more back in the day, then it should cost 20% more now.

Shouldn't it?

This lack of proportional pricing makes me wonder what the true price of gas really is. It looks like they're raising the price too much at the bottom end. And not enough at the top end. This doesn't make any sense to me. Seems like you'd want to raise the percent just as much on the top end buyers.

And then I'm reminded that I live in a country where citizens were rewarded with a $25,000 tax break for buying a Hummer.

And no tax break for buying a Hybrid.

Hmmm.

Well using this logic, maybe the whole thing does make perfect cents.

No Expectations, No Disappointments

2008-05-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week while holding 7,8 suited I flopped a straight flush draw at the Venetian. A gentleman who raised preflop to create the $75 pot that sits between us all, pushes the rest of his stack in. It's only $65 more. This is what I call a good situation. Playing this hand is the reason I've left my home during the week at some strange hour to come down to the Strip.

My ego would love to raise here. Who doesn't? It builds self esteem. Saying the word "raise" is good for the soul. But tonight I gotta show patience because I need another player, preferably someone with chips, to hang around in case I hit my draw. The last thing I want is to isolate the all in guy with my 8 high.

The human being with sunglasses to my left fulfills my unmet need and calls the $60. Thank you sir. A raise would have been fine but I'll take the call. If he wasn't wearing sunglasses I might guess he was on a draw. Unable to see his eyes, I attempt to confuse him and check the turn in the dark!

(How can he possibly handle my check in the dark while wearing sunglasses? I must be thinking on at least two levels here.)

A rag comes out and he checks behind me.

For those of you keeping score at home there's still no side pot to play for. Just the main pot that one of us is going to have to showdown to win against the all in guy.

I miss again on the river and am done with the hand. I have 8 high. I check and get ready to muck. The player to my left bets 75. I fold.

And then here comes the punchline. The guy to my left smiles and shows me his bluff! He bet $75 on the river with 8 high. Meanwhile the entire pot still goes to the all in guy who reveals pocket queens.

Now some of you might be wondering why this fellow to my left bet $75 with 8 high to get me to fold. It's an excellent question.

Why would the guy to my left bet $75 on the river with 8 high when he is only getting called if he is beat?

Yep. Still an excellent question.

Even in italics.

What can I say?

Uh....these are the players I play with?

When we make the film The Vegas Year, we'll have me raise him on the river with my 8 high and watch him lay down and lose the pointless $75 he just chose to bet.

Okay. I'll try to defend him. Maybe it wasn't pointless. What if the all in guy doesn't have queens? Maybe he has 3,5 off suit and the guy to my left just made the best play possible by getting me to fold my 8 high so that he won't have to chop the pot.

Maybe.

Who am I kidding? This type of play can only mean one thing. The WSOP poker tournament has come to town. It starts today at the Rio. The first event is underway as I type this. There are already fresh 2008 World Series of Poker bad beat stories going around!

I'm a different player than last year and a much different player than two years ago. I've become more right brained at the poker table. Logic is still there. But now I'm not embarrassed to call with a mediocre hand. I'm not scared to trust my read. I'm not worried about looking stupid at the table.

My ego is bigger. My expectations are smaller. Two years ago I needed to cash in a tournament to prove to myself that I knew what I was doing. I don't feel that pressure anymore. Whether or not I cash in a tournament won't decide how good or bad I am at poker. My being better at this game doesn't mean that I always win. Heck it doesn't even mean I always play well.

But according to our Zen coach Phil Jackson, a lack of expectations is a good thing.

"No expectations, no disappointments. "

That's what Phil said before the Lakers went into Utah a few weeks ago.

His words make even more sense in poker.

I can't expect things to happen.

I can only make the best decision for myself at that moment in time.

There is no should.

I'm a positive person but I can't expect anything specific to happen at the poker table.

Except of course, the unexpected.

Here's a Recipe For Fun.

2008-05-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

People are always asking me how to have fun in Las Vegas. As if I have all the answers. Yet once in awhile I come through. Once in awhile I'm the guy with the club passes.* Sometimes it's good to know Robert. Like right now for instance. Cause I just came up with a new game and since we hang out like this on the internet, I'm gonna share it with you. First. Before I tell anyone else.

This game is appropriate for The Vegas Year because you can bet on it! I'm sure many readers will be relieved to read that fact. Hey you know how Bob Dylan said the answer is blowing in the wind? Well if by "answer" he meant "distinct floral breeze" then Bob may very well have been singing about my new game.

Friend, the answer is the cologned oxygen permeating throughout the casino entrances of the MGM, Venetian, Caesars.

You see where I'm going with all this?

My idea for big Summer fun is a prop bet where we go into these casinos and take a big whiff. Just really get to know the smell by each entrance. Then we blind fold each other and drive around town to see if each of us can tell what casino we're in just by using our nose.

Imagine the tension after you drive me to MGM and I get it right. Picture your frayed nerves as we pull into Caesars self parking and I bluff by walking you the exact number of steps it takes to get into the Venetian. All while my assistants are spraying Polo and Aramis in the air just a few feet ahead of us.

If this doesn't sound like fun, just add a zero to whatever amount we are playing for. If this still doesn't sound like fun, just add another zero!

And if this still doesn't sound like fun then maybe Las Vegas isn't really the city for you.

* club passes happens to be a really bad example of a way I can come through for you.

Flashback to September 13, 2006

2008-05-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

Playing poker this week I bet in middle position with ace king suited. The big blind, a very tight player, raised me to 45. I called. In some ways this hand is similar to the Hot Grinder on Grinder Action hand that I'm going to announce the results of in a highly anticipated November blog entry.

The big difference is this time I've got the ace king and my opponent has the pocket pair. My opponent has played SO TIGHT that I'm slightly concerned he could have aces or kings. So it wouldn't have been absolutely crazy to muck ace king to his raise here. Not in terms of how many hands this guy plays an hour.

However I'm in position. I also happen to write a poker blog so of course I'm gonna call. Otherwise what are we going to talk about? You don't want me to start sharing personal stuff.

Flop comes ace king jack. They say we fear the thing that has already happened to us. Well holding ace king and seeing an ace king jack flop has already happened to me. Kind of like a character on Lost going into flashback mode, my mind cuts to a Borgata Open event I played back on September 13, 2006.

It was a Wednesday. Definitely a Wednesday.

This was the most expensive tournament I had ever paid cash to enter. 173 of us put up 5k each. 1st place was 285k. 2nd was 150k. Looking back on it now, it seems insane. Despite the potential payday this was clearly way too large of a percent of my bankroll to spend on any one tournament.

But there I was. 11 o'clock on a Wednesday morning and I'm sitting in Atlantic City with way too many familiar faces. Truth be told I'd have gotten a much better value on my money to have actually spent an additional 5k and played in their 10k main event.

The Main event was a WPT event and would be televised so there were lots of satellite winners in there. A much weaker field. This non-televised 5k event was mostly for pros. Every table had 6 or 7 recognizable faces. Barry Greenstein. John Phan, Gavin Smith, Hasan Habib. Sitting at my table to my right were Kathy Liebert, Chad Brown and Allan Kessler. Later on Erik Lindgren was moved over. It was fun to get a real hand on his first big blind, raise it up and get the stare.

Early on in this tournament I picked up ace king. I'm talking level 1 early. I bet and was raised by a guy in middle position who immediately warns me he has a big hand.

Well so do I.

I call and the flop comes ace, king, jack.

Looks good right?

I think we started with 15k in chips- whatever the amount was I would lose one-third of my stack on this hand because my opponent had pocket jacks. I was grateful it wasn't more. However he nickeled and dimed me with 2k bets on the turn and river and I paid him off. Would the pros around me have gotten away cheaper? Or would they have lost more? Both seem possible. For me, this was an acceptable loss with top two pair.

This whole sequence flashed before me this week when the ace king jack flop came out at the Venetian. I flopped top two pair yet felt fear.

I felt the Borgata.

This Borgata Open story almost has a happy ending. After the dinner break we were down to 5 tables. Around 40 something players remained when I picked up pocket queens. I bet and was raised by a guy with pocket kings. I called. I got incredibly lucky when a queen flopped and got the rest of my chips in. I got even more incredibly unlucky when a king came on the turn to knock me out. Oh dear.

I still have the complimentary Borgata baseball hat they gave all of us that day. You know. The one that cost me 5 grand. Oh sure I have a few Kangols sitting around the house but this Borgata cap is still by far the most expensive chapeau in my closet.

Internet Poker

2008-05-21T02:11:00.000-07:00

The birds are still chirping outside my home 24/7.

Could you imagine how embarrassed I'd be if I walked into my living room and saw that I've accidentally been playing a CD of nature sounds on my stereo system for the past few months?

That somehow I hit "repeat" and that's why it plays all day and all night?

Not sure I could handle that.

I don't think I even own a stereo system but it doesn't matter.

I'm not going into the living room.

Not gonna take the chance that there's a CD of birds chirping.

I'm just going to sit here at the computer, stare outside the window at the birds in the trees that I know are there, and play internet poker.

Outplayed

2008-05-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon at Mandalay Bay.

I raise it preflop to 12 with a red ace and a red queen. A guy who calls down big bets with bottom pair defends from the blinds. Flop comes ace high along with the 3 and 8 of spades. I bet 15. He raises to 30. I call in position.

The turn brings the third spade. Despite having just raised the flop, he checks to me. A check by me here would be fine to keep the pot small but I bet 20 because I think I'm ahead and want to charge him something to see the river. He calls.

The river is the 4th spade. Now he bets out 25.

My mind begins to race.

1- From what I've seen over the past 45 minutes I don't think he's a good enough player to make a move here. Against a better player I'd be real suspicious the person was betting out because it's the only way they could win the pot. But not with this guy. He's been a calling station and from what I've seen he only plays his own two cards. Which leads me to point #2...

2- Even if he doesn't have a flush I wouldn't be shocked to suddenly be trailing something like two pair. For all I know he might not notice the flush out there. That's how he's been playing. Which leads me to point #3...

3- I have no spades. Just top pair on a four flush board.

Yep. I think I'm beat and want to fold. I don't want to give 25 bucks away. It's not even the money. It's the being right. I tell myself that I'm better than that. Being able to fold top pair when you're beat is what makes a good player. Pot odds don't matter if I'm drawing dead so to speak.

Then to clinch my decision, this guy hears me mumble to myself and asks the dealer if I just said I was all in.

Okay. I've seen enough. Lets move on. I toss my cards into the muck.

Because what can feel worse than throwing 25 bucks away when I know I'm beat?

Well I'll tell you what can feel worse than throwing 25 bucks away when I know I'm beat......It's throwing my cards into the muck and then watching my opponent turn over two red kings.

Ouch.

As I sit here at home I CAN'T BELIEVE I folded. Simply because there was too much money in the middle. Math says I don't have to win this hand too often for a call to be correct here. I've put in around 60 bucks. So if there's around 120 in the middle and he bets 25 on the river, I'm calling 25 to win 145. I can call and be wrong 5 out of 6 times here and still make money over time!

Did I think there was a 16% chance he was bluffing?

Absolutely.

Yet in the moment I was so focused on making a good fold that I didn't think the math through enough. I went with my read and not the math. Yes my read was wrong but in hindsight I'm way more embarrassed by the mathematical error.

To fold here was short term thinking. To save 25 bucks.

One long game thinking says a call here is correct if I can be wrong 84% of the time.

Self criticism aside, good for him! He was clearly not the best player at the table but on this particular hand he completely outplayed me.

Nice hand sir!

The Hammer

2008-05-16T03:04:00.000-07:00

The worst starting hand at a full Texas Hold 'Em table is 2,7 off suit.

How bad is the 2,7?

It's so bad that when playing against multiple opponents you're better off holding something like 2,3 or 2,4. Connected hands with greater potential for hitting a straight and taking down a big pot.

When you play the 2,7 and go to showdown you're relying on hitting trips or two pair to win a big pot. And even when you connect you may not be ahead. Thus winning with the 2,7 is clearly a difficult proposition.

What all this means is when you do eventually take down a pot with 2,7, it's definitely time to celebrate. Your reward for winning with this hand is not just monetary. No, the real joy is getting to see the reaction afterwards on the faces of your opponents.

You played what hand?

So when I picked up 2,7 tonight I completed the small blind to see the flop. The universe must have an incredible sense of humor, because the dealer turned over king, 2, 2 to give me trips. With my 7 kicker and an entire family seeing this unraised flop there's a small chance I may not have the best trips. But that's just fear and common sense talking. The reality is I ain't going anywhere. I've got trips and I'm gonna trap someone. I check. Everyone checks behind me.

An 8 comes on the turn. I said I was going to trap someone so I check again. This time I found a customer. A mildly aggressive player to my left bets 25. Button calls. I call too. I think I'm way ahead. I want them to bet the river. I'll also admit that deep down I'm rooting for a 7 to come. Just so I can stop taunting myself with the idea that maybe the guy on the button has ace 2.

The dealer turns over the river.

The bad news is it's not a 7.

The good news is it's a 2.

I got me some quads with the hammer. It's almost unfair.

I check to let the aggressive guy bet again. He obliges and bets out $25 more. Button calls again and the action is back to me.

Obviously I'm raising - but how much? How do I raise without it seeming clear-cut that I have quads? It feels impossible.

What if I had a king? I suppose I could make the fancy move and raise to try to get another player with a king to lay his hand down. Try to convince him with my bet that I have quads. So I don't have to split the pot with either of them.

How much would I have bet to do that?

An all in might do it.

However, if I really held a king, how could I know for sure that neither of them had quads? If I raise with a king here and get reraised (significantly), I'd probably have to throw my boat away.

So without a good read, or enough alcohol, I can't raise without quads in this spot.

(Although I suppose against some players I could raise if I had completely missed...but that's another discussion for another day.)

My opponents both have around 300 in front of them on the table and I have them covered. I decide against the all in move. I think that scares them away. And I want to get paid.

After a few seconds I push out $100 total. A raise of $75.

The dealer knows I have quads. Penn and Teller know I have quads. However much to my delight neither of the players at my table know I have quads. They both call with their king full house.

I turn over my 2,7 which inspires the guy to my left throws his cards at the dealer.

Damn. Who knew they'd both call? Well besides Teller.

More importantly- does this mean that either of them may have called me if I pushed all in?

I think it's a strong maybe.

I know I shouldn't complain. I hit quads with 2,7 and got both players to pay me off. Life is good.

But boy am I curious to go back in time and push all in.

Not even for the money.

Just to see what would have happened.

Because it sure looked afterwards like both these guys thought they held the nuts.

And I think I gave them way too much credit by thinking they could get away from it.

Flopping Flushes

2008-05-14T17:51:00.000-07:00

1:41 AM. I leave the house to go play poker. This is probably the latest hour that I've decided to begin a poker session. I mean the earliest.

2:02 AM. Seated at the Venetian.

2:07 AM. I'm next to a Phil Hellmuth wannabe who won't stop talking about how great he is. What makes this extra amusing is we're sitting at 1/2 no limit. He's already told me twice that I'm not one of the best 3 players at the table.

2:08 AM. I raise preflop with suited connectors and make a continuation bet on a king high flop. Everyone folds and Hellmuth tells me I shouldn't bet so quickly because it's obvious I have a big hand. I thank him for the useful tip and muck my cards. Of course it was tempting to show the 6 high. But then he'd be winning the battle of misinformation. Better for him to keep telling me how bad my game is.

3:28 AM. I've been bleeding for the past 80 minutes. Hellmuth is long gone. There's one really loose player who is singlehandedly making this table a worthwhile place to be. I'm showing decent discipline but still losing chips. Down to 107 from my initial 200 buy in.

3:31 AM. Minus 30 with ace queen. Down to 77.

3:33 AM. I raise someone's straddle with ace 10 with the intention of pushing all in on the flop. Everyone folds and my stack inches its way up to 90 dollars. The highlight of this hand was before the straddler folds or calls he looks at me and tells me that I can't get a read on him because he hasn't looked at his cards yet.

Hilarious! Of course my thinking is:

"Why do I need a read on you?

I'm the one who raised.

Lets just wait until you raise me before we start worrying about what my read on you is."

3:37 AM. I win a pot with king 10 on a scary looking king,7,7,9,9 board.

3:39 AM. Bingo. I call 15 bucks preflop with ace 4 suited against two loose players and flop a flush. First guy bets 35. Second guy raises to 100 something. I call all in. First guy folds. The first guy was probably done with the hand once he got called but obviously the raise to 100+ killed any further action. (If I may be greedy for a moment). This hand pumps me up to $302.

3:48 AM. Down to 268. Tough hand. I call 15 bucks four ways with pocket 4's. Guy makes a small bet on a double heart flop. I call. He makes another small bet on the turn and every instinct says flush draw. I want to raise so badly. And someday I will. However these days I find myself playing with players who are so bad I don't need to take this kind of chance. So I fold my 4's and tap the table and tell him nice hand. My kindness is rewarded as he shows his cards. The ace and 5 of hearts for the nut flush draw. So I could have won the pot if I survived an ace, 5, or heart on the river. But that almost feels like too much of a hero call here.

4:01 AM. Up to 550 after I call 15 preflop with 8,10 suited and flop 5,6,7 with two of my suit. A freaking dream. Random guy bets 30. Loose aggressive nemesis bets 60. I smooth call. First guy folds. My flush comes on the turn. Nemesis checks. I push all in for 186. He thinks. He calls. I win. After the hand he says he flopped a straight. Some say he needs to bet more to get rid of me on the flop. Then again I'm not so sure I'm going to fold here with both straight and flush draws. It's the whole reason I'm playing suited (almost) connectors.

4:08 AM. Loose kid buys in again and I call his raise preflop with 4,5 suited. Flop comes king,king,8. For some reason- I laugh to myself. Could be the hour. Could be my hand. I don't know why but I'm cracking up. I notice him notice me laugh. I check. He checks behind me. I can't remember what came on the turn but I bet and he folded. See how easy poker is? You just have to laugh at the flop.

4:11 AM. I fold king queen from the small blind to a raise because the night grew deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression. If you're gonna play the game, you gotta learn to play it right.

4:26 AM. The hand of the night. A grinder type has come to my table. We've been chatting a little bit and I have a decent sense of how he plays. He's seated to my left. It's my big blind. He looks as his cards under the gun and limps in. He tells me he's been playing since noon and this is his last hand of the night. We both have over 500 dollars on the table.

No one raises and I check my jack 8 suited from the big blind. Flop is three clubs. My suit. I've hit another flush. It's just my night. I check. Grinder guy to my left bets 40. Everyone else folds. I call.

Turn is a rag. I check. Grinder starts playing with his chips. This is so freaking exciting. How much will he bet? And how much will I reraise him? My big fear is he has a big club. I can get away from this hand if another club comes on the river. But right now I'm feeling pretty darn good.

He takes 30 seconds or so. And then checks.

River is another non club. The board has not paired. I'm good.

The only question now is how much money can I get out of him? If I thought he'd call a bet for 200 bucks then I'd absolutely do it. But there's not that much out there so I push out 85 bucks. A pot sized bet. Feels reasonable.

He insta-calls and I turn over the jack high flush.

And my grinder friend?

He turns over queen 9 suited for a higher flush.

WOW.

I thanked him for not going beserk with the betting. I could have really gotten hurt here. He felt the same way and thanked me back. He said he wouldn't have called an all in from me on the river. He pointed out that I wouldn't have called a big bet either. Although to be honest, I'm really not sure what I would have done. I did not put him on a higher flopped flush. So it would have been real hard to get away from this hand. Real hard. Even if my flush was only jack high. Hey I play suited connectors all the time so a jack high flush sometimes looks like a monster to me.

He then got up and left the table. Apologized to me for the hit and run. But I had no problem with it. You can stay as long or short as you want at the poker table. That's the beauty of it.

4:41 AM. I play for two more orbits and then leave. Damn I'm happy I didn't give away my stack on that hand. Losing 127 bucks with a jack high flopped flush was an acceptable loss.

One long game.

If You're Gonna Complain You Gotta Show

2008-05-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

I called a preflop raise Sunday night with ace 10 suited. Flop came out ace, 10, 2 and I bet. My opponent raised. I pushed all in. My opponent called. I was hoping he had something like ace king or ace queen. He could have a flush draw. Worse case scenario was a set of 2's.

I decided to show my cards. Show the whole table I had top two pair. Nothing to hide here. My opponent however showed nothing so it looked like he was on a draw. Thus I was relieved to see the flush card miss on the turn.

The river was great news. Another 10 to fill up my boat. My opponent mucked his cards and as the dealer pushed me the pot, this guy started to complain about how I had just sucked out on him and his set of 2's.

You know - that same set he didn't show.

Then he made a face and gave me the "nice catch" line.

I didn't respond.

I just couldn't muster up the energy to pretend along with him.

I was ahead the whole time and didn't need to hit the 10 on the river to pass him. Yet this guy really wanted me to think I got lucky. It was his way of protecting his ego. It's all he would talk about the rest of the night. Every time I beat him in a pot he'd go on and on about how lucky I was. Even in hands where I never improved post flop! He was just embarrassing himself.

But sticking with this initial hand, here's the thing I want to say to the guy:

If you're gonna complain about getting sucked out on then you actually need to show me the set of 2's. I can't give you the empathy you deserve if you don't show me your cards. Of course I wanna feel sorry for you. I'm a sensitive guy. But you're not giving me the chance to when you muck your cards and don't show anyone.

Around an hour later he told me he wasn't angry with me.

Thanks man. Thanks alot.

Thanks for not being angry with me for having the best hand.

On the flop, turn and river.

Playing The Rush

2008-05-11T04:17:00.000-07:00

11:33 PM. Saturday night at the Venetian. I raise the first hand with my old friend queen 10 suited but give up after an ace flops and a player has the nerve to bet out in front of me. He's in the blinds and it feels like a middle pair testing the waters. Heads up I could play back at him and see how much he really likes his hand but with players still to act behind me, a fold here feels absolutely and utterly perfect.

11:49 PM. I'm up 45 after taking down a pot with pocket jacks. The hand everyone hates to play. Me? I'm not a pocket jacks hater. I'd be happy to sit in a poker game where I always held pocket jacks. The key of course would be that everyone at the table didn't know that I always had pocket jacks.

Meanwhile look who just invented a game. It's called "Pocket Jacks."

The way you play "Pocket Jacks" is the big blind always gets dealt pocket jacks. And everyone at the table KNOWS the big blind has the jacks. So if you raise the big blind preflop, basically you are saying you can compete with pocket jacks.

11:51 PM. I fold 6,8 suited to an early position raiser, mostly because his stack is so darn small. You could say his stack size protected him from me, or cost him money, depending on how you look at it. Because if he has a few hundred in front of him I'd call.

11:55 PM. Minus 15 with ace jack suited.

12:01 AM. Win 50ish pot with ace king.

12:07 AM. Miss with ace 7 suited.

12:14 AM. Seat 1 has been a bully. He's the big blind when I have the button and the last two orbits when I've raised my button, he's reraised me preflop. The first time I raised to 15 with ace 4 suited and he repopped me to 45. I hated the idea of flopping an ace and still not knowing if I was ahead so I chose to fold this first one. But now that I'm seeing just how loose aggressive he is, that ace 4 suited is looking more and more playable. I'm gonna take a stand against him soon.

12:18 AM. Down 60 bucks and feeling some tilt after calling a small stack's all in on a 7,7,7 flop with pocket 4's. Obviously I hoped he had over cards. Turn was an 8. River an 8. He looks across the table at me and I get to say the awesome sentence "I'm playing the board." He shows his pocket aces.

12:32 AM. I limp on button and the aggressive big blind raises again and makes it 15. I smooth call in position with jack, 9 off. Flop comes jack high and he fires out a $35 bet. It's the moment of truth. It's what I've been waiting for. His style of play dictates that I cannot lay my hand down. His style of play makes me excited to reraise him here. His style of play means that if he has a real hand he deserves my money. His style of play has earned him action.

I raise. Make it 100. He doesn't look happy.

What's funny is when I had the ace 4 suited hand and he reraised me, I had the feeling inside of "Hey buddy, I wasn't just making a move on the button. I actually have a real hand. And your reraise makes me feel like you don't believe me."

And on this hand I can definitely feel him having the exact same energy in reverse. Sure he plays too aggressively, but this time he has really flopped something and hates that he has to fold it.

He wants me to know he has a real hand.

When he mucks and I'm pretty sure I see him flash ace 6 for bottom pair.

12:34 AM. Playing the rush part 2. I'm in there the very next hand from the cutoff seat with king 9 off. I flop a king, bet and get two callers. I bet the turn. Two callers. The river is the 9 of diamonds. It completes the flush. Now normally I might check behind them on the river. Yet my antennae tells me they weren't chasing the flush and that their calls were more of the "I'm going to call you down with my middle pair" variety.

So me and my two pair actually make a value bet. It feels so silly. I think it was 20 bucks. This bet usually would mean that I've hit the flush and am just trying to squeeze some money out of it. However my bet could also be a missed flush draw. A total bluff where I'm betting because it's the only way I can win the pot.

But one thing is certain: You wouldn't expect a value bet from two pair here.

The first player folds. The second player however doesn't want to muck.

Then an amazing thing happens.

A third player who is not involved in the hand talks the guy in the hand into calling me! She actually tells him that she thinks my bet is fishy. She doesn't buy that I have the flush! Wow.

Can I remind you that she's NOT IN THE HAND?

Good for her and her reading abilities.

But bad for her and her table etiquette.

Come on people. We can't have this behavior at the poker table. I would have had a real hard time keeping my mouth shut if I was bluffing here and she talked him into calling.

The punchline came after the hand when she told the guy who listened to her "Well at least it didn't cost you too much money."

12:37 AM. Playing the rush part 3. I've won two in a row so I can't fold now. This time I play 4,5 suited and the flop comes out 2,3,6. Just like Doyle said it would.

Everyone checks and I bet. My thinking is I've just won 2 pots in a row. Please let it look like I'm playing too loose. Please let it look like I'm stealing.

Disaster ensues when everyone folds. I can't believe I made such a donk play by betting the nuts!

Yet that's exactly why I did it. Because if you were sitting there with a hand like pocket 7's you might think that you were good.

If I hadn't played a hand in awhile then I absolutely can't bet out here. But having won 2 in a row it seemed like a decent anti-move at the time. Oh well.

Reviewing the hand: I got lucky to hit the straight. I got unlucky that no one else had a real hand. But I didn't give them a chance to hit a hand either by betting the flop. So today, at this moment in time, at this table, this was a bad play by me.

12:39 AM. Playing the rush part 4. Minus 30 with 7,8 suited. I call 10 bucks pre flop and then 20 more on a 6,9,jack flop. Somehow I miss on the turn and don't complete the straight. Same dude bets 50 and I believe him. I consider raising but I don't he think he'll lay down top pair or an overpair here. I guess this was the time to have flopped a straight. Not the last hand. I fold. The rush is over. If this hand was against a grinder, there's a decent chance I raise on the flop or turn.

1:03 AM. Button raises my big blind to 15 and I call with queen, 9 suited. Flop comes 9 high with a flush draw. Of course it does. How does this hand never lose? He bets 20. I say raise. He folds. Everyone starts complimenting me. As if I outplayed him. But I think I didn't. I had the best hand and let him get away. I could have smooth called and given him the chance to bet again on the turn. (Of course if an ace comes out on the turn and he passes me, I'd have a much different opinion of how I played the hand.)

1:17 AM. I'm up around 150 after I play ace,2 suited on the button, and see an ace, 10,6 flop. I bet twice and get called down by a guy with king jack trying to gutshot the queen. How wonderful to have someone call your bets on the flop and turn trying to hit their gutshot.

Usually the only time I get to know people are chasing gutshots is when they hit and show their cards. All of the times they're missing their gutshots they usually fold at the end and I don't get to see their cards. But this guy showed the king jack.

When I win money on a hand like this it makes me wonder why I ever bother to try to out play people.

Playing against a guy like this is so much easier.

1:26 AM. Up 142 about to play blinds.

1:29 AM. Major table turnover. I'm now a big stack.

1:42 AM. I limp with aces. Unfortunately there's no action behind me and we see the flop 8 handed. I laugh thinking about what the math must be for me here with aces against 7 opponents. Flop comes 3,4,10 with 2 spades. Dude bets out 20. Guy to my right calls. My first instinct is to fold but I call too. I want to see the turn.
3 players also call behind me!

Turn is the queen of hearts. Puts double flush draws out there. The dude who bet 20 on the flop checks the queen. Guy to my right checks. They're giving me an opening. I bet $45. Gotta charge folks to draw here and just as important- I need to find out if I have the best hand. Everyone folds except for the guy to my right who announces he's all in. That's the bad news. The good news is his remaining chips are less than my $45 bet so there's no decision for me to make.
I show my aces. He shows 5,6 of hearts for what is now a straight flush draw. Whew. I'm just grateful he didn't raise on the flop. Sitting to his direct left, I wouldn't have been able to call if he had pushed in after the first dude bet 20 on the flop. 5,6 suited misses on the river and I take down the pot with my aces. You know. Because aces never lose.

2:02 AM. I call 10 bucks preflop with 4,7 suited against a tight player. Flop comes 2,4,5 and tight player leads out for 25. I think he could have ace king, ace queen kind of hand so I make the call here to see what happens on the turn. We both have big stacks. Even if he has a real big pair I could get lucky hit two pair or trips. But I'm mostly curious to see if he fires another bet on the turn. I'm not sure he has the courage to do that with just ace king.

The only thing that comes in the way of me and my plan is a 3rd player in the hand to my left who has also called the 25 dollar flop bet behind me.

Hmmmm.

Now that he's called I think a raise may have worked better for me here. Makes it much harder for him to call. And I'd find out real quickly what the tight player has.

Poker tragedy occurs when a 3 comes out on the turn. Now Mr. Ace king has a straight. Why can't I have 4,6 right now instead of 4,7? I fold.

Further "horror on the felt" is revealed when we go to showdown and I see that the guy to my left had pocket 5's. He didn't raise on the flop with his set of 5's! Thus I can't agree with him that the 3 on the turn was a bad beat. If he raises and it comes out then yes that's awful. But his not raising (and then still calling down when the board had the 4 card straight) removes all the empathy I might usually offer this human being.

By the way. For your amusement. The betting on the river was...

Guy with set of 5's bets 25.

Guy with ace king for bottom straight raises to 75.

Guy with set calls.

I told you I wished I had a 6.

Let me also say that this kind of river betting is EXACTLY why I'm playing 4,7 suited in the first place.

2:06 AM. What do the poker books say you should do when you are holding ace king and an ace gets exposed preflop? How much value is lost? That's what happened to me on this hand. I still flopped a king and took down the pot. But seeing that exposed ace definitely made me feel weaker preflop.

2:08 AM. I'm holding ace king on an intriguing and dangerous flop. King, queen, 9. Top pair top kicker ain't so impressive here. When I bet and got two callers I wasn't exactly psyched. Incredibly one of these callers was a guy with ace 10. Similar to the hand where I held top pair with my ace and the guy tried to gut shot me with his king jack. Only this time it works out for him when a jack comes on the turn.

Note to the Universe- I'm supposed to lose this hand to someone with jack,10. Not ace, 10. Please correct this in the future. Thanks.

2:13 AM. Table becomes shorthanded and I stopped taking notes.

Vegas Fact #13

2008-05-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

When everyone folds their cards at a Texas hold em table, the players in the blinds have the option to chop. This means they can take their money back and not play the hand. The benefit is the button moves on and the blinds were able to get past being one of the forced bets without having lost any money.

Thus most players love to chop in this situation. What they'll tell you is that by chopping you are saving rake. I don't buy into this argument because I expect to pay rake. It's the cost of doing business. If I can win money from the player next to me in a heads up situation, that's a good thing. I don't mind paying 4 bucks rake in a heads up pot because it means that I've won a pot worth at least $40.

That said, I still usually chop to be polite. Even though I really like playing heads up and using my edge in short handed situations against most weekend warriors.

Of course there are some players out there who are smarter than me. They don't worry about being polite. These guys never chop. They insist on playing each hand out. Their attitude is we're not here to chop. We're here to play poker. So lets play poker!

I'm cool with both these groups. However there is a third group, a sect of human beings who peek at their cards first before deciding whether or not to chop. I have a problem with this group because they're not really chopping. They're folding and getting their money back because they didn't like their hole cards.

Luckily for me the universe punishes these people with unlucky Vegas Fact #13:

Vegas Fact #13
If a player in the blinds refuses to chop (after previously chopping other hands) he will go on to lose the hand to whatever random two cards the other player (who was willing to chop) is holding. Every time.

Hot Grinder On Grinder Action 2

2008-05-08T03:44:00.001-07:00

Some human beings have asked for the result of a hand I wrote about almost two weeks ago in the post Hot Grinder On Grinder Action!.

I thought it was best to not share the ending because in poker we're not results oriented. It makes no difference how the cards turned out on this particular hand. It's about the choices each player made. Who hits or misses is irrelevant. The sample is too small. Over the long run the winners and losers will be determined by how well we play our hands, not what card the dealer turns over this one time.

That said, I understand it's very important to some of you to know.

I know each of these poker hands has their fan club full of believers. The pocket 10's folks will be excited if it holds up. And the ace king suited crowd can't stop taking about all their outs.

Where do I come in? Well I want to give the people, specifically these results oriented human beings what they want. That's what I'm here for. So I've decided to take a page out of the Harrahs playbook and announce the result of this ace king suited versus pocket 10's hand sometime in November after the final table of the WSOP main event.

It'll give us all something to look forward to.

Am I Better Off Than 4 Years Ago?

2008-05-07T03:24:00.000-07:00

The IRS is sending 130 million U.S. families tax rebate checks. I think my wife and I are getting $600. This means our government is borrowing 78 billion dollars from China to ensure that every family has one buy in for 2/5 no limit.

Prophet Does Not Ensure Profit.

2008-05-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Early Monday Morning. My first live poker in a week so I take it easy with some 1/2 no limit at the Venetian.

12:39 AM. I'm seated and buy in for $200. Multiple players have over $600 in front of them. What could possibly go wrong?

12:40 AM. Very first hand I raise to 10 with ace jack suited. Get two callers and three of us see a queen,8,2 rainbow flop. I bet 20. With my ace queen. Or king queen. Or whatever it was that I have.

The big blind calls. He's one of the guys with $600 in front of him. Turn is another queen. He checks. Sometimes I fire another bullet here. This wasn't one of those times.

If I had a larger stack I'd bet again. But with only 170 on the table I gotta wonder how much I want to commit here.

I don't have much of a read on this guy. He looks tight and his flop call probably means he's hit and I'm unlikely to put another cent in. One could argue his 600 dollar stack implies he's doing something right. Okay. I respect his flop call and check behind him.

River misses and I expect him to bet so I can fold. I've given up. It's what my check on the turn meant. But he checks to me.

Lets say he has middle pair.

What size bet wins me this pot?

There's around 70 out there. I'm tempted to bet 45 but I can't get past my read, which is when he called me on the flop, it didn't look like he was on a draw. It looked like the call of someone who hit.

So I think the turn and the river haven't really changed too much. I think he's still calling. Unless I can put enough pressure on him.

What if I over bet 75? That's how some players might bet trip queens here since a smaller bet just screams value. Like if I bet 25 you'd think I'm probably getting called.

Or am I? Funny how in some poker games a $25 bet is more likely to get you a fold than $75.

In reality, I checked behind him. He turns over ace 2 and takes the pot with his pair of 2's. Oh dear.

Could I have taken it down by betting the turn or river?

Absolutely.

Maybe.

Who knows for sure?

All I know is that if I bet and win the pot I feel great. And if I bet and he calls me down I feel stupid for giving away more money. That second queen coming out on the turn sure didn't help my argument. It made it seem less likely that I could also have one. And if he's putting me on ace king, he knows his hand is good the entire time.

Besides my lack of read, the other reason I shut down here was I still have 170 chips in front of me. 85% of my starting stack. I don't want to bluff off more chips in the first hand. 30 bucks is an acceptable loss for betting the flop, getting to the river and having my ace jack suited miss completely. I don't need to try to outplay an unknown big stack on my first hand. Especially when he could be the one actually holding a queen.

Can't we just move on?

Why do we have to keep discussing this first hand?

Why are you guys being so difficult today?

12:43 AM. Minus 4 with 8,9 suited. I called the straddle. Turns out it was an acceptable move because no one ever raised when they straddled at this table. This fact would continue to amaze me over the next 4 hours. I often found myself calling the 4 bucks with anything playable because there was gonna be a larger (unraised) pot to compete for post flop.

12:47 AM. Minus 15 with Jack,8 suited. I had to. There were 4 callers in front of me.

12:49 AM. I fold king 3 off from the big blind after an early position raise to 15. I only mention this fold because of the king, 9, 3 flop that followed. And if that didn't get my attention, it sure did when the preflop raiser bet out 25 and the other player called.

I could have been someone. I could have been a contender. Or at least a guy holding two pair on a king, 9, 3 flop at the Venetian. There's the Vegas postcard I've been waiting to see.

Preflop raiser has ace king. Looks like I'd be doubling up here.

And then math happens.

A 9 comes on the turn. Pairs the board. And counterfeits what would have been my hand.

Ahhhhhh....

I get it...

So that's why you fold king 3 preflop!

(Someday I'd like to discuss how embarrassing it is to watch your hypothetical opponent suck out on your hypothetical two pair while you are are in the middle of NOT hypothetically feeling sorry for yourself).

1:06 AM. A new dealer comes to the table which only reminds me of one thing: the fact that that I haven't won a single pot yet. As the old dealer gets up to leave I wonder what Martha Stewart says about tipping in these situations.

1:10 AM. I miss with pocket 7's but it's still a solid investment. People are completely overplaying top pair. I just need one hand where I can beat top pair and I will double up.

1:14 AM. I call a raise in late position with king 10 suited. Flop comes king high and preflop raiser bets 25. I want to raise. I want to call. Most of all, I don't want to fold. But I'm staring at this guy and my read says ace king. So I fold. He shows me a king and despite not seeing his second card I feel good about the hand. I don't think he raised preflop with king 9 or worse.

1:19 AM. I flop an open ended straight draw but have to fold after the wrong dude leads out with an overbet. By the "wrong dude" I mean "not the preflop raiser." If it had been the preflop raiser I would have reraised. But not against this random guy who saw this particular flop and knew he must end the hand now.

We fold and he shows his set.

Logic knows it's been a couple of good folds for me. This should feel better than it does. I'm proud I haven't lost more money. Yet it's also disappointing to keep having the second best hand.

1:24 AM. I have jack 4 suited in the big blind and hit two pair on a jack, 9, 4 flop. It's the king 3 hand all over again. Except this time I didn't fold preflop.
I check and an overly aggressive player who I've been waiting to trap bets. I smooth call because he will fold at the first sign of aggression, but seems to keep firing away otherwise. I want him to bluff off more on the turn. However when the board pairs 9's on the turn, he checks behind me.

ARGH.

This passive move can only mean one thing. He has a 9. I check the river. He value bets 20 bucks and I call to see his 9,7. Mainly so I can write about it. You readers need to know he had a 9. And not ace jack or something. If he has ace jack then I'm the fish. But if he has 9,7 I can sit here and think well at least he had to get lucky to beat me.

Meanwhile guess who feels sorry for himself that he still hasn't won a single hand thus far? I'll give you one hint. He has a blog.

1:26 AM. I win my first pot of the night reraising in late position. Ahh. So that's what it takes to win a pot. I forgot. I just have to get everyone to fold! Hey it's forgivable I didn't remember. I haven't played live poker in a week.

1:29 AM. I win a pot when my queen jack hits top pair. The guy to my right pays me off on the turn and river with God knows what. He's amazing. You haven't heard me mention him yet but let the record state he's bought in for 600 dollars in the first 50 minutes I've sat at the table. And he was here when I got here. So it could be more.

His game is phenomenal to watch. He goes down in flames with bottom pair. Calling the whole way too.

How nice to finally win one from him. I was starting to think there must be a larger cosmic reason I'm sitting at this table tonight. It can't be to make money.

1:31 AM. Minus 16 with ace suited. This was an iffy preflop call but I was mostly trying to play the rush.

1:38 AM. Interesting play by the same guy who called me down with ace 2 in the opening hand. He bets $20 on the turn. The board is 10 high and I'm sitting with only 70 dollars left. I raise it to 45. 25 more.

This bet is stronger than an all in. My small raise screams value. Screams "please call me." I'm trying so damn hard to squeeze another 25 bucks out of him. Yet we both know it's really a 50 dollar bet because my remaining 25 is going in the middle regardless of what comes on the river.

So I kind of expect him to fold here. Or raise back all in.

Yet after some deliberation my opponent calls.

Here's what's really strange: He has top pair. He's not on a draw. So he's either trailing or beating me. But it's not like he's hoping to improve by drawing a specific card on the river.

The river brings out another rag. I throw my final $25 in the middle and incredibly my opponent pauses.

He shows me his 10 for top pair and then folds for the final 25 bucks!!!!!

Completely shocked me.

How does he not call 25 to win over 100 bucks with top pair? When the board hasn't paired? When there's no flush out there? And after he's just paid 45 bucks on the turn!?!?!

It's so suspicious it almost feels like he's dumping me chips. In case I didn't have him beat. Who knows? Maybe I'm starring in the stage version of ESPN's Tilt.

Meanwhile I guess we finally have our answer from the first hand. I should have bet 25 on the river. Apparently that makes him fold.

That's what's so great about poker. That the same guy who called me with bottom pair on the flop of the opening hand, now folds top pair on the river of this hand. It's such a "depends" game.

1:44 AM. I limp with pocket aces. No one raises and we see an 8,9,9 double suited flop. Aces on amazing that way! How do aces make the board pair every time? And if that's not bad enough lets make sure we put the flush and straight draws out there too. If I had raised preflop from early position this would have been a nightmare flop. I'd bet, get raised and have to fold. But since I didn't raise preflop, I made a pot size bet and everyone folded. I guess it was believable that I had a 9.

1:54 AM. I'm at 149 after paying blinds. I've played way more hands than normal tonight. There hasn't been much preflop raising so it's real easy to see cheap flops. Maybe too easy.

1:58 AM. I flop top pair queen with my king, queen. I bet and get called by a non believer with ace, ten. Then I lose this hand when an ace comes on the turn. Cause that's how I roll.

2:01 AM. The guy to my right (who keeps buying in) has bought in twice more. He's now in for at least one grand. That's amazing for 1/2.

2:16 AM. Mr. 1k loses another buy in and finally leaves. He was a real treat to play with. I'll give him credit- at least he had a great attitude. Played like he was just learning the game and seemed to be able to afford his lessons. I can't tell you how many times he showed his bottom pair at showdown. Too bad he's gone. He will be missed.

2:28 AM. I'm not connecting with anything so I've tightened up. Down to 105. I just folded ace suited to a button raise and my opponent showed me kings.

2:38 AM. I raise in late position with ace queen. Get called by the blind. Flop is ace, jack, jack. I bet. He calls. I shut down. He has a jack. I'm relieved to say I only lost $25 on this hand.

It used to be real hard to get away from this kind of hand. Ace queen heads up on an ace, jack, jack flop. Especially when you only have 100 bucks in front of you and you've raised preflop.

At other points in my poker life I'd have made that call.

Just so I could complain about how unlucky I was.

These days I fold.

Because I've learned that complaining is free.

2:41 AM. Another hand, another lay down. I raise to 10 with ace 9 suited. Dude goes all in for 50. I usually talk myself into this call. Knowing that I can gamble AND have a stop loss of only 50 bucks usually feels too good to resist.

But here's the thing I can't ignore. My opponent is really trying to tell me to fold. And I don't think it's false bravado. Lots of guys like to buddy up with you at the table. They play ABC poker. They think the best hand should always win. They want everyone to fold when they raise with aces. They DON'T want action. Action means you don't believe them. They want respect. This is one of those guys.

So I review the situation and decide that I don't need to spend 40 bucks for the excitement and thrill of seeing if I can randomly flop a flush draw or hit trip 9's to win the 60 bucks that's out there. I fold and he shows ace king.

Another good fold that doesn't feel so good.

But what really doesn't feel good is running into better hands over and over again.

2:43 AM. I fold ace 5 which wouldn't be noteworthy if not for the ace, ace, 5 flop that followed. In case I didn't notice my full house, the universe added another ace on the turn.

Mucked quads for seat 9.

What happens next? Oh just a bet and raise from a couple of "minor full houses" on the river. How dare they! A lady leads out the betting with her pocket 2's. A man in late position raises her with his 5.

Oh and the guy in seat 9 grits his teeth and stares at the muck.

Who?

You know.

The guy with the blog.

2:50 AM. Table has tightened up tremendously. How tight? On this hand there were two early limpers. I raise to 8 and everyone folds. That's too tight.

2:54 AM. Am I playing too many hands? Or not enough? You decide. This time I fold 7,8 preflop and watch 4,5,6 come out. This combined with that recent ace, 5 hand are way worse for my health than all the red meat I eat.

3:01 AM. Down to 63. How did that happen? Waiting for the hand to double me up or send me home.

3:06 AM. New dealer. What's the GRE word for when a dealer sits down, deals for 30 minutes and then gets up without your having won a single hand?

3:14 AM. Up to 54 dollars. That's right. I'm up to 54 dollars. It was even worse for a few minutes. Jealous?

3:21 AM. Early position raiser makes it 10 bucks. I look down at pocket 9's in the blinds and throw my remaining stack out there as fast as I can. He's gotta call 40 more bucks to win 60.

He asks me if I have a pair. I say "Yes and I want you to call with your ace king."

And then for some reason I added "And fast!"

Not sure why I added the fast part. Maybe I was doing psychological testing.

Does someone telling you that they want you to call fast make you want to call or fold?

Looking back on the hand I misplayed with my table banter. Why? Because he's sitting there with ace jack suited. And by my telling him I wanted to race ace king, I was telling him his hand was good enough to race with. I gave away some folding equity. Like if I could have convinced him that I held ace king or ace queen he may have folded without the race. But once I convinced him I actually held a pocket pair he had to call.

Of course the reason I told him I wanted the call was that I embraced the small edge my pair held versus his cards.

After my hand somehow held up, I was back up over 100 bucks.

3:29 AM. Up to 135. I check raise on the flop with a flush draw and take down a pot with 3,7 suited on 6,8,10 board. It was against the same guy from the ace jack vs pocket 9's hand. I mention this because I think this is part of why he folds here. No one likes to double the same player up twice. Especially a tight small stack like myself.

3:32 AM. Minus 10 trying to flop a set with pocket 3's. Raiser shows aces afterwards. Everyone did exactly what they were supposed to do, except for reality not putting out a 3 on the flop.

3:37 AM. 169 after paying blinds.

3:39 AM. Ugly. I can't seem to win a pot against the player to my left. This time it gets folded around to me on my button. Lots of players will raise here with any two cards. I have ace 3 suited. Somewhat of a real hand and make it 10 preflop. My nemesis calls from small blind. Big blind folds.

Flop comes 2,3,8. Seems like a great flop for me. I actually have middle pair. If he doesn't have an 8, all should be good. He checks. I bet 15. He calls.

Turn is a jack. He checks. I want to keep the pot small so I check behind him. Lets see what happens on the river.

6 comes out. He bets 20. I call. Expecting to see an 8.

And he shows pocket jacks. He hit a set on the turn!

See how easy poker is.

For him.

I told you I can't beat this guy.

This was another one of those hands where I was just grateful not to have lost more money.

3:53 AM. I hit top pair king with my king 9 suited from the big blind and lose to a guy playing king jack off from early position. For me this has been the evening of second best hand. Losing this type of pot feels like a mistake even though it's not necessarily a mistake. Much closer to a mishap. Or perhaps we can call this loss the cost of doing business.

3:59 AM. Down to 91. I hit top pair and a straight draw with my queen jack on a queen, 10, 9 dreamy flop. I bet the pot and get 3 callers! Heck if I knew they'd come along I'd have put it all in.

The turn is a 10 and one of the blinds fires out a small bet. I'm trailing trips but I come along with everyone and call.

The river is a Jack. Yuck. I've upgraded to two pair but obviously I'm more concerned with the 4 card straight that's now out there.

And we're four handed. Which means I don't have the best hand anymore.

That's what you call a rough turn and river.

And I'm starting to sound like a broken record....(I mean a music file skipping).... but this was just another hand that I could have gotten all my money in on the flop and then not have had it hold up. There's something in the air tonight.

4:20 AM. We're short handed. I just hit top pair jacks with king jack and lost to ace jack. I lost money but at least my antennae is still working. I got away cheaply again for a headsup pot at this hour of the morning. (And with this little money on the table.) In so many ways it would be easier for me to just go all in here and lose so I could go home.

4:32 AM. Still here.

4:41 AM. About to pay blinds. I have 50 dollars on the table. To have played these hands over the past 4 hours and only lost 150 bucks feels pretty good for tonight. I gave myself lots of chances to win some big pots. I got away from many hands without too much damage.

In fact some say I won 50 bucks tonight. Since it appeared that my destiny was to leave this table with no chips remaining.

I was definitely rusty in terms of my aggression. Overall I called more than I should have. I've got to get back to raising more hands preflop. But it felt like a pretty good session in terms of my reading the other players.

NH Donk

2008-05-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

I've been sick this week so I've only played a little internet poker.

It's certainly fair to say that my poker IQ and poker confidence are way higher than in 2004, 2005, 2006.. The years I mostly played on the internet.

Back then you could call me a donk and I'd at least think about it. I'd review the hand and wonder if maybe I had played it poorly. It was a reasonable possibility. I was a novice and had so much to learn.

But going back online now with all of my experience, it's just so damn pleasurable to get called out for being a poor player. I know I've had more success than most of the players I'm playing against.

Yet these comments always come. And usually from the worst player at the table.

From the player who doesn't think beyond their own two cards. From the player who thinks the best hand preflop has to be the best hand post flop. From the player who doesn't understand math. From the player who doesn't understand how stack sizes effect decisions.

From the player who doesn't understand poker.

If I've learned anything at all from internet poker it would be that the time to be most scared is when you are playing poorly and no one calls you a donk.

If they ain't calling you a donk, you might be sitting with good players.

Good players don't call anyone a donk. Good players don't want you to change the way you are playing. Good players don't want to upset you and risk your leaving the table.

When I watch a player take a bad beat and write "NH" I know that's a dangerous player.

When I watch a player take a bad beat and write "NH DONK" I know that's a player I want to play pots against.

Beware. It's when they're taking your money silently, that I'd be most fearful.

These are the players you want to avoid. If I stay at a table where players are quietly taking my money and acting real polite about it, then I surely deserve the moniker Donk.

But when a bunch of amoeba call me donk?

Well then I need to stay at this table and fulfill their expectations!

And Such Small Portions!

2008-04-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

This past weekend. I'm sitting backstage at a comedy show waiting to go on. The opening act is a very funny comedian. Yet a member of the audience is giving him a hard time and heckling him.

Why was this audience member heckling this comedian?

Because the comedian onstage was not the headliner!

Typical human behavior. A person comes to see a specific headliner. So why show any patience whatsoever with the opening act? Unfortunately this type of ignorant behavior occurs on all levels of show business.

I recall Steve Martin saying he did the same material when he was an opening act as when he was the headliner. And of course people ignored him and talked through his entire set when he was the opening act. Probably the same people who would later love him as the headliner. It's all in their perception.

But the key piece of information to my story, is that this heckler has never actually seen this headliner perform. So it's not like he's waiting impatiently for Wayne Newton to come on out. He's waiting impatiently for an act he's never seen before. Me.

Yes I'm the person this audience member supposedly wants to see. Yet this audience member couldn't identify me in a police lineup. He doesn't know any of my material. He's never seen my show before. The only thing this gentleman knows is that this opening act is not the comedian he has paid money to see.

If I had snuck out onstage and performed as my own opening act this audience member would have given me a hard time. Because I'd be an opening act. His criticism would have nothing to do with my ability and everything to do with my status.

This kind of shallow greedy behavior has become way too pervasive in our megastore driven society. No one has the time to actually listen to anything new anymore.

It's as if we need Starbucks to tell us what is good art.

Vegas Fact #12

2008-04-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

Vegas Fact #12
There are slot machine tournaments and human beings compete in them.

I've seen it with my own two eyes.

And here I thought it was still exciting enough to just play slots. You know. Hit a jackpot and win some money. I didn't realize that slot players have taken their game to the next level. I had no idea just how competitive the whole slots scene has become.

Who knew?

It's not enough to just beat the slot machine anymore. Now you must also defeat all the other slot players in the casino. It's a Schwarzengger film and it's personal.

( "He had to go for a spin.")

What's next? Keno tournaments?

Why not have a scratch off lottery ticket tournament?

Walking by this slot machine tournament felt similar to the first time I heard about Civil War reenactments.

In both cases I was hit with an immediate fascination. People really do that? Wow.

I'll be big enough to say I never took the time to consider what a slot machine tournament might look like. The idea of it seemed boring. How interesting could it be to watch someone press a button?

But now that I've seen one I will admit I was completely wrong. I have seen the light. Slot tournaments are quite the sight to see. I'm a huge fan.

Rows and rows of people speed pressing a button.

Speed is the key. Time is limited. Thus we aren't just watching someone hit a button mindlessly. No sirree. This is someone focused on getting as many spins as possible!

And the only move in any of their arsenals is to press that damn button. As fast as they can. Over and over.

According to Sklansky's Slot Machine Tournament Basic Strategy book there's nothing you ever need to be doing in a slot machine tournament other than pressing the button.

Most players follow his strategy so you can imagine the non-stop action. Everyone pressing as fast as they can with an intensity normally reserved for participating in a speed walking race. (That is a speed walking race with a cash prize.)

Watching these people play slots was kind of like watching a drunk person wait for the elevator. You know they're gonna keep pushing that button. Cause the 'vator ain't here yet.

You think poker tournaments have variance? Try spending a year on the World Slot Tour.

The great ones shine through. The true champions.

The people born to do this.

The gifted ones.

The people who press buttons faster than the rest of us.

Hot Grinder On Grinder Action!

2008-04-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

Thursday night at the Venetian.

Loose guy raises in early position to $15.

I have $162 in front of me and reraise to $45 from middle position with pocket 10's.

Grinder guy in the blinds takes a little while and then smooth calls my $45.

Early position raiser folds. It wasn't worth it to him to spend 30 bucks to win at least $105 plus whatever amount I continue bet on the flop.

Interesting.

(Yet it was worth it to him initially to spend 15 bucks to win just $3.)

I guess I like to gamble more than he does.

Why does any of this matter? Well because I expected to play this hand against the loose early position raiser. Not the big blind grinder guy. The big blind is a regular at the Venetian.

How regular?

I've seen him every single time I've played there.

If I recognize him, he must recognize me. We're both too good to play many hands against each other. In all my hours at the Venetian I've probably played 2 or 3 pots against this guy. Mostly we're both sitting there looking to get involved with crazy tourists. But now suddenly, we're heads up.

His smooth call here is interesting. I think it freaked out the early position raiser. As if a smooth call must mean that the big blind has aces. Since it seemed like he was begging for action from the early position guy.

I however did not put him on a big pair. I put him on ace king.

I think he wants to see a flop. If no ace or king comes he can fold, and if one comes out he can make a decision.

By smooth calling preflop he's giving himself some room to still fold (preflop) if the early position raiser comes back over the top and I follow by pushing all in.

In other words, this isn't a hand that the big blind wants to push all in with. He wants to see a flop first. He's being careful. At least that's my take.

So when the flop comes out queen,6,3 with two diamonds I still feel pretty good. Sure the overcard wasn't what I was hoping for, but if I put the guy on ace king, I'm still good.

He's too good of a player to have called 45 bucks out of position preflop with ace queen. King queen. Anything with a queen.

He looks at me. I look back. He checks.

I only have 117 bucks left. There's a little over 100 in the middle. I suppose I could have bet 80 or something but with such a small stack remaining, I just threw it all in the middle.

Now keep in mind this is the first hand I've raised preflop in the past 30 minutes.

As far as I'm concerned I have pocket aces.

And I know that he knows that.

Still, he takes a moment and asks for a count.

Oops.

What could he be calling me with here?

If he has ace king off I'm a 3 to 1 favorite and he's too good a player to call with just overcards.

But call he does.

He tells me he's on a draw.

And for me it's the worst one possible. Ace King of diamonds.

Oh dear.

So my read was sort of right. He did have the Ace King. The problem for me is that combined with his flush draw, he's actually a 54.44 to 45.56% favorite.

This coming on the heels of my being a 53.71 to 45.92% favorite preflop.

Things change quickly around here.

Regardless of what comes out on the turn and river, I think we both did what we had to do. Like if we saw each other's hands on the flop, neither of us would fold.

We're both getting almost 2 to 1 in a hand that in poker speak is basically a coinflip. (If it were an election it would be a huge difference. And in reality it is a huge difference- 54-46% edges are the way they build casinos.)

Yet folding would be incorrect for either of us. Thus all we can both do is get our chips in the middle and have the audacity to hope.

This hand stood out to me because it's not too often you get to see two grinders racing like this.

Yet we both made correct reads.

Well almost.

The Opening Hour of April 24th

2008-04-24T03:48:00.000-07:00

12:42 AM. I raise preflop with 5,7 suited. Flop comes jack,7,2. I bet 15. A guy who sounds like Gus Hansen calls. Turn is another jack. Gus tells me that if I bet he's going to call. So now I gotta bet. I push out 35 bucks and he folds. Gus shows me a 7 and asks me to show the bluff. I turn over a 7. He nods and says he had kicker problems.

Who doesn't these days?

12:44 AM. The very next hand there's a couple of limpers in front of me. I look down in middle position at pocket queens and raise to 20.

Guy in the blinds with a small stack reraises to 40ish. This is great. If a bunch of them call maybe I can push all in, create some dead money and get heads up against the small stack. He only has like 20 more.

But before I can execute this move, the gentleman sitting under the gun raises.

According to Gus, this under the gun guy has been sleeping at the table.

Literally.

And Gus keeps making jokes about him.

So now this same guy who was just sleeping, sticks a stack out there. $102 to be exact.

Damn.

Can I fold my pocket queens?

He plays one hand per hour. Yes. He has to have me beat.

The emotions kick in. Denial, anger, a certain self righteousness. Could be what Dave Matthews has been singing about all these years.

"I had queens when he had aces." That's what I'll tell everyone later on. And this story will only cost me a couple hundred bucks.

Or you know what? Maybe I'll get lucky.

You see it every time. Here comes the suck out.

This style of poker is so popular in fact that some say I have him trapped. Free will is an illusion. My opponent has no choice but to lose his entire stack to me right now, just because he picked up pocket aces at the wrong time. Sources say I've got this guy exactly where I want him.

However, mathematically speaking, it's not looking good. I try for one moment to convince myself that he could have ace king. I'm beating that hand. But that fantasy doesn't last too long.

Meanwhile Gus Hansen just can't keep his mouth shut. As I'm sitting there shuffling chips he tells his neighbor "It's the first hand this guy has played in an hour." It's terrible table etiquette. Gus should keep his mouth shut.

But that's what finalizes it. I cannot go further with this hand. Not with knowledge that the raiser plays one hand per hour. I fold my queens.

(And maybe this is what Gus wanted. Maybe Gus is frustrated with this guy for playing so tight. Maybe Gus doesn't want to see me pay him off. So much goes on at these tables for people emotionally.)

The beauty is I still get to see the hand play out. See if I would have won.

The guy in the blinds has pocket 6's. The gentleman under the gun has pocket kings. Look at him getting frisky and opening up his starting hand selection.

Gus said it had to be aces. What does he know about poker? I mean besides saving me $200.

Flop shows a queen in the window. I hit my set. Wow. But before I can feel sorry for myself I see a king behind that queen. And a jack as well. All clubs. I was not going to win this hand.

I think this is what Hellmuth means when he says he can dodge bullets.

So can I.

With a little help from Gus.

12:53 AM. Gus complains that the table is too tight. I offer to straddle along with him if he'll remind me. He reminds me and so there I am with jack 9 off seeing a flop. If I hadn't straddled I probably would have folded it under the gun. But now, because of Gus, I get to see a Jack, 10, 8 flop.

In Denmark they call that "top pair with an open ended straight draw."

No slow playing. I lead out for 15. Guy raises me to like 60. I come over the top and as soon as he doesn't insta-call I feel really good about this moment in time.

The longer he takes the more I think he's gotta lay it down. But then he calls all in.

Even though you don't gotta show your cards I do. He doesn't.

The universe rewards my openness with a 7 on the turn for the straight.

12:57 AM. Gus straddles for 4 bucks. It gets folded around. I have 3,7 in the small blind. I fold. Big blind folds too. Gus gets a walk on his straddle and wins 3 bucks. Then shows us his 2,3 off. I say "You had me." I mumble something about how his hand was good because "I only had fractions." Gus doesn't laugh but I'm sure this was just an English thing. His non-laughter couldn't have been because my joke sucked.

12:58 AM. Table is shorthanded. Everyone folds to me on the button. I have pocket 5's. Gus is the big blind. He tells me to fold so that he can chop. I tell him I have a real hand and bet 4x the big blind. I need to play a big pot with him at some point tonight. And so I wanna mix it up with him whenever I can in position. He calls my raise without looking at his cards. He also checks the flop in the dark. He asks me if I wanna bet in the dark. I say "No. I'd like to see the flop."

Flop is jack,8,9. I should bet. But I also took that pot from him earlier with the 5,7. He's seems like he could be a good enough player to raise me here to see how much I like my hand on this scary board. He talks alot and has been naming people's hands. He's good but just bored and playing too many pots. I check.

He bets when a 7 comes on the turn. I fold and show him my pocket 5's. My message is I raised preflop because I had to. I had pocket 5's. It wasn't like I was just using my position. I'm also showing him that I didn't continue bet on the flop when my hand might no longer be the best.

I'm showing him a tight aggressive image.

1:09 AM. Next orbit. Same exact situation. It gets folded around to me again on the button. This time I have queen,5 off. How to play this one is a classic "Depends" situation. I raise here because I want to keep this guy off guard. He thinks I'm tight. But at some point he will play back at me. So I need to keep the pressure on him.

He does his routine again and calls blind. Checks in the dark.

Flop is ace, 2,4. I have queen high and a gutshot straight draw. This time I bet the flop and represent the ace. Gus agonizes over my bet and then folds his king, queen suited face up. Chastises himself for not repopping it preflop.

1:15 AM. I raise. Gus calls me in position. Flop comes queen, jack, 6. I check. He checks behind me. 10 comes on the turn. I bet 15. Gus folds and tells me my ace king is good. I wanna ask him why he didn't bet the flop and take it away if he can put me on ace king. But I keep my mouth shut and don't show my cards. Gus tells me I never show. I tell him I've showed him a few. Which is true. Usually I show none.

1:22 AM. I limp with jack 9 from the cutoff. I've raised the last few times in position so perhaps this adds some sort of variety to my game. At least I know Gus is paying attention. Maybe this will look to him like I'm slowplaying a monster. The button sitting in between Gus and I raises to 12. Gus calls from small blind. I call from cutoff. Flop is ace, 9, 4. Gus acts first and checks. Sure I have a piece, but more importantly, what did the button raise with preflop? If it's a hand that does not contain an ace, how can he call if I bet?

So I use my position and fire out 20 bucks. If I get called I'm done with the hand. And maybe I'll get lucky and hit trips or two pair on the turn.

One thing is for sure. The button is tight. He can't call this bet without an ace. If he had something like pocket 10's preflop then now he will fold.

I was right. He folds. I get excited.

And then remember that Gus is still in the hand. Damn.

Forgot about him. If he raises me I've probably gotta fold. I feel vulnerable. Gus talks for a little bit. I look at him occasionally but say nothing. Gus folds. My image is gold here. I'm playing somewhat loose but still pegged by Gus as tight.

I can't wait till someday when people think I'm a loose player so that I can go back to just playing tight again.

Way better for my blood pressure.

1:39 AM I raise to 12 preflop with ace king and get two callers. A tight player and Gus. I put the tight player on a medium to small pocket pair. Gus? I have no idea what he has. Flop comes king,10, 8 and tight guy leads out for 20. I just wanna get rid of Gus here. He has position on me. So I miniraise to 40. Gus folds. This bet hides whether I'm already there or on a draw. If I get reraised then maybe he flopped a set. Tight guy just calls.

Turn is a 5. Tight guy checks.

I try to rationalize the check. If I check here I can just call him down on the river.

But the problem is that I'm probably ahead. He's probably on a draw or got a weaker king. Either way I can't let him see the river and potentially out draw me for free. I have to bet this hand right now. Later on I can check the river if I'm still feeling scared.

So I bet 50. I thought it was a pretty small underbet and would definitely get called. Especially after he put in 40 on the flop. But he must have assumed it was a pure value bet and that I was slow playing a monster because he quickly folded.

After which Gus looks over at me and asks if I had ace king.

I told you he was good.

Live Poker Coverage

2008-04-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

I played two live poker sessions at the Venetian.

Here's the final 62 minutes of the second session.

12:51 AM. I limp under the gun with ace jack suited. No one raises and we see an ace high flop with one of my suit. Conservative looking gentleman bets 10. I call. Everyone else folds. Same gentleman bets 20 on a second suited but otherwise harmless looking turn. I raise to 60. Happy to take it down. Mostly trying to find out where I'm at.

From the looks of this guy I'm waiting for his reraise. But he doesn't. He just calls. Huh. I thought he'd raise or fold. What hand calls?

A weak ace? A runner draw?

He didn't raise preflop so I think my ace has the best kicker unless he has two pair.

But I'm sort of lost in the hand. I comfort myself by thinking of my raise to 60 on the turn as potentially also being my river bet.

Like if I had called the 20 on the turn, it would have been reasonable for either of us to bet 40 more on the end.

Only I'm doing it on the turn when he still might be drawing.

Someday when I'm good at poker I'll value bet another 75 bucks on the end.
Like Phil Ivey.

But for tonight, against a player I have no read on, I checked it down, showed my cards and watched the dealer push me the pot.

12:58 AM. Ace 8 suited. I flop an ace and bet 10. One caller. Turn gives a 3 card flush, but not my suit. I check and the somewhat aggressive player checks behind me. I'm real suspicious of this check. This guy had been betting most of the time. Taking shots at pots. Like it almost seems more likely for him to bet when he doesn't have it, than when he does.

What's so interesting to me here is that if he bets this turn I don't believe him and probably call. Yet his checking it terrifies me.

So I check again on the river and this time he bets 50 into a 25 pot. Easy fold. I don't mind being bluffed out of such a small pot. But I don't think he was bluffing.

1:05 AM. I call from the blinds with queen 9 off and lead out for 10 bucks on a 9,8,2 flop. Two players call. Turn is a 10. In 2004 I'd have checked and called. In 2008 I bet 20 dollars. Both players call me again.

River is a jack. I have a straight. I bet 40. One guy folds. One calls.

A somewhat decent example of aggression confusing and disguising my showdown hand. The bets on the flop and turn made it impossible to know where I was at.

Was I semi-bluffing a straight draw when I bet on the flop?

Or did I connect with it and pair up?

This is huge because if I initially connected on the flop (which my bet certainly represented) then I might not have the straight by the end. Which is why I think I still was called on the river. Because of the flop and turn bets. A dude with the bottom end of the straight or two pair can't exactly lay down there.

Yet if I had played the flop and turn more passively and waited till the end to bet, it's way less likely that anyone calls.

1:17 AM I overbet preflop and raise to 20 with king queen suited. I think I genuinely forgot that I was sitting at 1/2 and was in habit from 2/5. Who knows?

I can't say I was in love with this situation when I actually got called by another conservative player. What hand could he call a 20 dollar bet with preflop?

Things looked slightly better when the flop came queen high.

I under bet 22 bucks. Opponent calls. I hope he doesn't have ace queen.

Turn was a damn pretty card. A second heart giving me a flush draw along with my top pair. He checks to me. So many options. I can bet again. Small or big bets both make some sense here. I could also check behind him, show some weakness and hope he leads out with a bet on the river. But that's old school Robert. New school Robert wants to bet as often as he can to create confusion.

I push out a $45 bet into the 70 something dollar pot. Lets find out if he has ace queen. He folds and I immediately wished I bet less. Or checked.

Then again maybe he wasn't putting another cent into the pot. And of course if I get outdrawn then I'm on here writing about how poorly I play.

1:26 AM. I'm proud of this hand. Six limpers. I'm on the button. I look down at two crap cards and fold. It's so easy to call and hope to get lucky. But calling felt horrible. Weak. Dirty. Shameful. I almost raised to take advantage of my position but that also seemed unnecessary. Forcing the action. Rather than letting the good situations come to me. So I folded. And it felt great.

1:38 AM. I raise preflop with jack 9 suited and get 4 callers. So far so good. But then the big blind pushes all in for 70 bucks. I'd love to call. Some nights I talk myself into gambling, but unfortunately I can't call here with 4 people to act behind me. If I knew NONE of them was going to reraise then I might. But I'm not crazy enough to stick 70 bucks out there when I'll have to fold to a reraise behind me.

1:44 AM. Two limpers, then an aggressive guy in middle position raises to 15. I call with 5,8 suited on the button which I'm hoping will entice the others to call. Two of them do and four of us see an 8 high flop. Preflop raiser bets $20. It's tempting to raise him here. He's probably got two big cards. I'm probably ahead. Then again even aggressive players get real hands sometimes. I use my position and smooth call. The two players fold behind me. Lets see how he bets the turn.

Turn is a beautiful card. A second small spade. I still have my top pair but now I've also got a flush draw going.

If he checks I can't wait to bet.

If he bets I can't wait to raise.

But then he does something I wasn't counting on. He acts first and goes all in.

Damn. So much for my raise.

Huh.

I hate calling all ins, much less with 5,8 for top pair, 5 kicker.

There's a good chance I'm about to give this man a couple of hundred bucks. Everything he has done has screamed big pair. But he's staring me down. He's acting too strong. If he was a tighter player I might still fold. But his loose aggressive style has hooked me in. I think he has ace king. If he's got a real hand, he deserves my money.

I call. I'm trusting my read and if I'm wrong and he does have that big pair, at least I've got some flush outs on the end.

The river comes. It's red. I miss my flush. The only good news is it's small.

I'm waiting to see his hand and then he says the magic words.

"You got me."

I show my 5,8.

He mucks and says he had king queen of spades for the bigger flush draw.

Whew.

I guess I got lucky, not to get lucky, and hit my draw.

1:53 AM. I fold ten, jack to a 15 dollar preflop raise and then watch the dealer turn over a king, queen, 9 flop. Betting ensues. Chips fly. Two players go all in.

By showdown my folded hand was still the best.

Usually I am able to laugh it off but tonight it put me on tilt. Pissed me off.

Not playing that hand made me feel like I lost money. Even though I know I made the correct long term decision.

And so I did the one thing I do best at poker.

I left the table.

I Challenge Doyle to Play Me Atari 2600 Football

2008-04-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

Since Patrik is into making challenges, here is one for him. I read where he has taken up golf. So, I challenge him to play for $100,000 a hole at Bali Hai Golf Club, any time from now until the end of August. Surely a twenty-seven-year-old ex-professional tennis player from Finland can beat a seventy-four-year-old guy with an artificial shoulder and who has to use a crutch to walk. What do you say, Patrik? -
-Doyle Brunson

I would like Doyle to know that I accept his challenge (not that I had much of a choice, I would be the laughing stock of the poker world if I backed down from this challenge) and if I have until August to practice and improve, hopefully I can make a big dent in Todd's inheritance. Seeing Todd cringe when I win millions is going to be worth just as much as the money.
-Patrik Antonius

Breakfast Of Champions

2008-04-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

My wife and I went late night to one of those 24 hour restaurants that you find off the strip. The kind that's always serving breakfast. With video poker machines by the entrance.

Hey you know what disappoints me about this blog?

Not nearly enough video poker machine stories!

I want to read about the Vegas guy who takes out a 20 bill to play some video poker while he and his wife wait to be seated at the diner.

Tell me that he hits quads to go up 3 bills right as the hostess seats his wife.

Even if it's a lie. Tell me anyway. Tell me how he loses it back and has to sneak in another 20 while his wife orders the meal without him.

Heck it might even be the third or fourth 20 by the time the food comes out but he can't leave the machine now! Not now! Now he's on fire! Just hit a straight flush to go up 600!

Tell me how he misses the entire meal, but still sits up 400 bucks while his wife waits in the car in the parking lot.

Tell me how he takes her home immediately after losing the rest of the money back.

And then after he drops her off he goes back to the restaurant with a fresh 20.

Where's this guy's blog?

Shouldn't this be the kind of story you find in The Vegas Year?

Who the hell wants to read about me folding?

My whole video poker machine fantasy from above was rudely interrupted by my having to make a decision between Mexican and Gambling themed breakfast options that existed on the menu.

At least that's what the woman standing in front of me with a pad wanted to know.

Hmmm. What am I in the mood for?

Can you recommend the "Montezuma's Revenge?"

What's exactly in your "Eggs on Tilt?"

You don't know for sure?

Hmmm. Will you show me if I fold?

They had something called the "Slot Machine." One of the safer items appeared to be the "Dealers Choice."

There are definitely fewer decisions to make preflop at video poker than eating at this restaurant.

After she took our order the waitress complained to us about the chef yelling in the kitchen. Chef may be a little too kind. Cook might be a slightly more appropriate word to describe the man.

She walked away. Then 30 minutes passed. If we were at a poker table a new dealer would have sat down.

The restaurant was mostly empty but in these establishments it always takes longer to get food when they're slow. Like everyone stops working and it's impossible to get any order out of the kitchen.

My wife and I were fine with the wait. We were deep in conversation.

But our waitress was not okay.

She comes over to the table and asks us if it seems like it's taking a long time.

I shrug my shoulders. I'm hungry but I'm not going to stress out about it.

We sit there in silence. She tries again.

"Don't you think it's taking a long time for your food to come out?"

I'm tempted to ask to speak to the manager, just so he can come over and I can tell him how dissatisfied our waitress is with the meal thus far. "She thinks it's taking too long."

When our food finally came out our waitress said it looked pretty good. She said it was much better than expected. I was relieved to hear she liked it. I was scared she might complain and ask to send it back to the kitchen.

We finished the meal and she brought the check. When I turned it over to see the damage, she looked at it along with me from over my shoulder.

I could feel her presence behind me. So I turned and slowly looked up at her.

She looks me right in the eye. She points towards the check and says "It seems like alot."

My bill. From her restaurant. And she's telling me it seems expensive.

Then I remembered how long the food took to come and thought maybe I should apologize to her for having made such a poor choice in deciding where to eat this evening.

I don't think our waitress liked this restaurant at all!

I don't think she'd ever want to go there to eat.

Unless it turns out that she's into video poker.

Then it might work out perfectly.